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  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 31, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Samuel 6: I know where God lives! Truly! I do! 

    2-Samuel: Part 6 of 24
    The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

    1 David again brought together all the able young men of Israel—thirty thousand.

    Out of all those millions they can only scrape together thirty thousand?  Yeah, I suppose that would be right after all their people God has killed and allowed to be killed fighting his wars against others.

    2 He and all his men went to Baalah in Judah to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the Name, the name of the LORD Almighty, who is enthroned between the cherubim on the ark.

    God is omnipresent, so he is everywhere.  Sooo, he is also enthroned between the cheeks of my arse.

    3 They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart

    Cart?  Go that way!  Cart?  Go this way!

    4 with the ark of God on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it.

    Cart?  Follow Ahio!

    5 David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before the LORD, with castanets, harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals.

    Isn’t that a little over the top?

    6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled.

    7 The LORD’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

    Aha, just like with David.  Try to do a favour and you get shat on!  Why would anyone want to follow this guy?

    8 Then David was angry because the LORD’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.

    9 David was afraid of the LORD that day and said, “How can the ark of the LORD ever come to me?”

    10 He was not willing to take the ark of the LORD to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite.

    God was ok with that?

    11 The ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and the LORD blessed him and his entire household.

    How? Did he diddle Obed-Edom’s wife?

    12 Now King David was told, “The LORD has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went to bring up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing.

    Don’t touch it dude!  You’ll get shat on from a great height!

    13 When those who were carrying the ark of the LORD had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf.

    Why does any animal have to die?  What’s the point and did that happen every six steps and why six?

    14 Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the LORD with all his might,

    Dancing?  In front of God?  If God is in between the cheribum, how can he be with David?  If you’re everywhere, then this business of being here or there is meaningless.

    15 while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

    Why?

    16 As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart.

    Aha, hate.  Now there’s an emotion we’re used to in this book.

    17 They brought the ark of the LORD and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the LORD.

    What a crock of shit. David would no more have pitched the tent than he would have made his own meals.  That’s what the slaves are for.

    18 After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD Almighty.

    More dead animals.

    19 Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.

    If there were thirty thousand troops, plus women and the slaves, then there must have been over thirty thousand loaves of bread, cakes of dates and cakes of raisins.  How many bakers did David have with him and what size ovens?  These are questions I’d like answered.  :)

    20 When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”

    Well, in those days, yes they would. Just like they have multiple wives and concubines, slaves and servants etc.  They didn’t care, so don’t start pretending they did now.

    21 David said to Michal, “It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD.

    Yeah, right.  Piss off the Mrs why don’t ya!  Moron.  You’re gonna get it now dude.

    22 I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”

    Go for it!

    23 And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

    That follows from what?  You don’t say that God caused that, but you do infer it.  What business is it of his anyway?  Moronic Book with a moronic god for morons.

    << 2-Samuel 5       Index      2-Samuel 7 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 30, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Samuel 5: God: Mysterious ways, impotent or just plain lazy? 

    2-Samuel: Part 5 of 24
    David Becomes King Over Israel

    1 All the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron and said, “We are your own flesh and blood.

    Just the leaders or everyone?

    2 In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the LORD said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’”

    How do they know that?

    3 When all the elders of Israel had come to King David at Hebron, the king made a covenant with them at Hebron before the LORD, and they anointed David king over Israel.

    4 David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years.

    5 In Hebron he reigned over Judah seven years and six months, and in Jerusalem he reigned over all Israel and Judah thirty-three years.

    What happened at the end of his reign?  Retirement?  Death?  What happened to all that hundreds of years of life shit?

    David Conquers Jerusalem

    6 The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there. The Jebusites said to David, “You will not get in here; even the blind and the lame can ward you off.” They thought, “David cannot get in here.”

    Why did they attack the Jebusites?

    7 Nevertheless, David captured the fortress of Zion—which is the City of David.

    8 On that day David had said, “Anyone who conquers the Jebusites will have to use the water shaft to reach those ‘lame and blind’ who are David’s enemies.” That is why they say, “The ‘blind and lame’ will not enter the palace.”

    That doesn’t explain anything.

    9 David then took up residence in the fortress and called it the City of David. He built up the area around it, from the terraces inward.

    10 And he became more and more powerful, because the LORD God Almighty was with him.

    Did he add an extra bedroom for God?  With a secret entrance from him study so he could visit without anyone knowing?  Wink wink, nudge nudge…

    11 Now Hiram king of Tyre sent envoys to David, along with cedar logs and carpenters and stonemasons, and they built a palace for David.

    Why did he do that?

    12 Then David knew that the LORD had established him as king over Israel and had exalted his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel.

    He just knew it?  What, did God just jack him into the bucket of facts and he just knew?

    13 After he left Hebron, David took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem, and more sons and daughters were born to him.

    All this begatting was fine with God?  He doesn’t mind this multiple wives thing?

    14 These are the names of the children born to him there: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon,

    15 Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia,

    16 Elishama, Eliada and Eliphelet.

    Why tell us?  Your point?

    David Defeats the Philistines

    17 When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over Israel, they went up in full force to search for him, but David heard about it and went down to the stronghold.

    18 Now the Philistines had come and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim;

    19 so David inquired of the LORD, “Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?”

    The LORD answered him, “Go, for I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hands.”

    If David is supposed to be so great, why does he need God’s help?  Why would God give the Philistines the ability to defeat David in the first place?  Just so he could help him and look good in the process?

    20 So David went to Baal Perazim, and there he defeated them. He said, “As waters break out, the LORD has broken out against my enemies before me.” So that place was called Baal Perazim.

    NO, he didn’t defeat shit.  God did that.  What a load of rubbish this book is!

    21 The Philistines abandoned their idols there, and David and his men carried them off.

    Carried of who or what?  The Philistines or the idols?  If the idols, why?

    22 Once more the Philistines came up and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim;

    If he defeated them, how come they are back again?  God didn’t do such a bang up job then did he!

    23 so David inquired of the LORD, and he answered, “Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the poplar trees.

    Why?

    24 As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly, because that will mean the LORD has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army.”

    If you’re all so freaking powerful, why not just strike them down and be done with it?  Why couldn’t you have done that before they even left for the Valley of Rephaim the first time?  Why create people just to kill them?  Why? Why? Freaking why?

    25 So David did as the LORD commanded him, and he struck down the Philistines all the way from Gibeon to Gezer.

    The lord went out in front to strike them.  Why does he need David in behind them to attack as well?  Is he not powerful enough?  Did he fail to plug in and recharge himself after the last failed battle?

    A millions questions, not one freaking answer.  Sigh….

    << 2-Samuel 4       Index      2-Samuel 6 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 29, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: Atheists, , , , , , Theists, Trolls,   

    Who does the burden of proof fall upon? 

    Just lately I’ve been able to watch a huge amount of traffic on the question of whether those who don’t believe in a deity have to prove that one does not exist.  The theists must be laughing themselves silly over this one.  So of course I’m going to have an opinion on this!  :)

    Let us set the scene a little.  Go back to the day/night that some human or precursor to humans first thought of the concept of a deity.  Until that time nobody had been going around saying “There is no God!”.  There was no need.  There were no theists or atheists till that moment.  There were no atheists until the moment that first theist opened their mouth and said they believed there was a god and someone heard them and probably laughed.  Maybe if they had have laughed harder, we would not be in this position today.  That though, was the time that proof became necessary.  It was up to the believers to provide that evidence.  Once they started a hootin’ and a hollerin’ about God and crew it was all up to them.  It was never up to those who did not believe in one before that day and just because someone became a believer that did not put the onus on the non believer.  Not then, not now.  Not ever!

    Why?  Well, it’s because we would have to end up proving the non existence of everything that does not exist if we start down that road. Everytime some delusional moron comes up with another idea for a god, mythical creature etc, we would be in the same spot, wasting our time and resources unnecessarily.  It is a ridiculous proposition.

    Whilever anyone, theist or atheist insists that we as atheists have some responsibility to provide evidence against the existence of any mythical being, they are only weakening our position. If atheist, they may as well go over to the theistic side if they are going to continue down this road.  It is not now and never has been our responsibility to provide evidence for or against their claims.  That onus belongs to them.

    Stay firm in your knowledge and do not allow yourselves to be sidetracked by these people.  We can do far less good in this world while we waste time on their pedantic rantings than we can if we band together, stop religion from affecting us and the rest of the world in the negative manner in which is has been since it was ‘invented’.  Each moment arguing with fools means less good achieved.  These people can argue amongst themselves if they wish to, or go and argue with their second cousins, the theists, if they wish.  If you, as an atheist, really wish to be a force for good then don’t allow yourselves to be sidetracked by these trolls.

    LET INTELLIGENCE RULE THE DAY

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 28, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Samuel 4: Think very hard before doing David any favours. 

    2-Samuel: Part 4 of 24
    Ish-Bosheth Murdered

    1 When Ish-Bosheth son of Saul heard that Abner had died in Hebron, he lost courage, and all Israel became alarmed.

    Another exaggeration.  David wouldn’t have.

    2 Now Saul’s son had two men who were leaders of raiding bands. One was named Baanah and the other Rekab; they were sons of Rimmon the Beerothite from the tribe of Benjamin—Beeroth is considered part of Benjamin,

    3 because the people of Beeroth fled to Gittaim and have resided there as foreigners to this day.

    4 (Jonathan son of Saul had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth.)

    5 Now Rekab and Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, set out for the house of Ish-Bosheth, and they arrived there in the heat of the day while he was taking his noonday rest.

    All very NOT interesting, but what’s the point?

    6 They went into the inner part of the house as if to get some wheat, and they stabbed him in the stomach. Then Rekab and his brother Baanah slipped away.

    Very nice of them!

    7 They had gone into the house while he was lying on the bed in his bedroom. After they stabbed and killed him, they cut off his head. Taking it with them, they traveled all night by way of the Arabah.

    First they stab him and slip away.  Now they stab him, kill him and cut off his head and take it with them as they slip away.  Make up your minds.

    8 They brought the head of Ish-Bosheth to David at Hebron and said to the king, “Here is the head of Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, your enemy, who tried to kill you. This day the LORD has avenged my lord the king against Saul and his offspring.”

    9 David answered Rekab and his brother Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, “As surely as the LORD lives, who has delivered me out of every trouble,

    10 when someone told me, ‘Saul is dead,’ and thought he was bringing good news, I seized him and put him to death in Ziklag. That was the reward I gave him for his news!

    Oooh, I can see what’s happening here.  As soon as someone does something they think is good for David, he kills them.  Keep watching…

    11 How much more—when wicked men have killed an innocent man in his own house and on his own bed—should I not now demand his blood from your hand and rid the earth of you!”

    Yep, here it comes…

    12 So David gave an order to his men, and they killed them. They cut off their hands and feet and hung the bodies by the pool in Hebron. But they took the head of Ish-Bosheth and buried it in Abner’s tomb at Hebron.

    Geez, David is sooooooo hard to please.  Aren’t you glad you don’t have to buy him a ‘Christ’mas present?  :)

    << 2-Samuel 3       Index      2-Samuel 5 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 27, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Samuel 3: Do as I say, not as I do – King David 

    2-Samuel: Part 3 of 24

    1 The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker.

    And tens of thousands of innocent people died because two delusional, megalomaniacs thought they were God’s favourite.

    2 Sons were born to David in Hebron: His firstborn was Amnon the son of Ahinoam of Jezreel;

    3 his second, Kileab the son of Abigail the widow of Nabal of Carmel; the third, Absalom the son of Maakah daughter of Talmai king of Geshur;

    4 the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital;

    5 and the sixth, Ithream the son of David’s wife Eglah. These were born to David in Hebron.

    Is this supposed to mean that the further a man spreads his seed, the greater he is in God’s eyes?  Otherwise, who cares?

    Abner Goes Over to David

    6 During the war between the house of Saul and the house of David, Abner had been strengthening his own position in the house of Saul.

    7 Now Saul had had a concubine named Rizpah daughter of Aiah. And Ish-Bosheth said to Abner, “Why did you sleep with my father’s concubine?”

    8 Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said. So he answered, “Am I a dog’s head—on Judah’s side? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven’t handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an offense involving this woman!

    9 May God deal with Abner, be it ever so severely, if I do not do for David what the LORD promised him on oath

    10 and transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish David’s throne over Israel and Judah from Dan to Beersheba.”

    This is complete crap.  In the previous section you were fighting David for control, not handing it over.

    11 Ish-Bosheth did not dare to say another word to Abner, because he was afraid of him.

    If he was truly afraid of him, he wouldn’t have opened his mouth in the first place.

    12 Then Abner sent messengers on his behalf to say to David, “Whose land is it? Make an agreement with me, and I will help you bring all Israel over to you.”

    David had already beaten Abner’s men.  He could have just taken over without this rubbish.

    13 “Good,” said David. “I will make an agreement with you. But I demand one thing of you: Do not come into my presence unless you bring Michal daughter of Saul when you come to see me.”

    Ah, he wants his other wife back.

    14 Then David sent messengers to Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, demanding, “Give me my wife Michal, whom I betrothed to myself for the price of a hundred Philistine foreskins.”

    15 So Ish-Bosheth gave orders and had her taken away from her husband Paltiel son of Laish.

    Wife to two men?  Still doesn’t make sense.

    16 Her husband, however, went with her, weeping behind her all the way to Bahurim. Then Abner said to him, “Go back home!” So he went back.

    17 Abner conferred with the elders of Israel and said, “For some time you have wanted to make David your king.

    18 Now do it! For the LORD promised David, ‘By my servant David I will rescue my people Israel from the hand of the Philistines and from the hand of all their enemies.’”

    If he truly meant this, why was he fighting David earlier after Saul had died?

    19 Abner also spoke to the Benjamites in person. Then he went to Hebron to tell David everything that Israel and the whole tribe of Benjamin wanted to do.

    20 When Abner, who had twenty men with him, came to David at Hebron, David prepared a feast for him and his men.

    21 Then Abner said to David, “Let me go at once and assemble all Israel for my lord the king, so that they may make a covenant with you, and that you may rule over all that your heart desires.” So David sent Abner away, and he went in peace.

    A new covenant?  Does this mean more foreskins?  Or is that only for covenants with God?  I’m never sure about the chop chop code.

    Joab Murders Abner

    22 Just then David’s men and Joab returned from a raid and brought with them a great deal of plunder. But Abner was no longer with David in Hebron, because David had sent him away, and he had gone in peace.

    23 When Joab and all the soldiers with him arrived, he was told that Abner son of Ner had come to the king and that the king had sent him away and that he had gone in peace.

    24 So Joab went to the king and said, “What have you done? Look, Abner came to you. Why did you let him go? Now he is gone!

    25 You know Abner son of Ner; he came to deceive you and observe your movements and find out everything you are doing.”

    26 Joab then left David and sent messengers after Abner, and they brought him back from the cistern at Sirah. But David did not know it.

    27 Now when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into an inner chamber, as if to speak with him privately. And there, to avenge the blood of his brother Asahel, Joab stabbed him in the stomach, and he died.

    28 Later, when David heard about this, he said, “I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the LORD concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner.

    29 May his blood fall on the head of Joab and on his whole family! May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.”

    So when David has a problem it’s alright to kill people, but others aren’t allowed to take revenge for their loved ones?  Typical bible crap.  One law for the rulers and another for the commoners.

    30 (Joab and his brother Abishai murdered Abner because he had killed their brother Asahel in the battle at Gibeon.)

    31 Then David said to Joab and all the people with him, “Tear your clothes and put on sackcloth and walk in mourning in front of Abner.” King David himself walked behind the bier.

    32 They buried Abner in Hebron, and the king wept aloud at Abner’s tomb. All the people wept also.

    33 The king sang this lament for Abner:

    “Should Abner have died as the lawless die?

    34 Your hands were not bound, your feet were not fettered. You fell as one falls before the wicked.”

    And all the people wept over him again.

    35 Then they all came and urged David to eat something while it was still day; but David took an oath, saying, “May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!”

    36 All the people took note and were pleased; indeed, everything the king did pleased them.

    A very easily pleased bunch of sock puppets they were too.

    37 So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner son of Ner.

    Anyone can lie and make out they are innocent and then go without a meal or two.  It proves nothing.  Thankfully we aren’t quite that gullible today.  Well, not quite.

    38 Then the king said to his men, “Do you not realize that a commander and a great man has fallen in Israel this day?

    Do you not realise he killed their brother?  If you claim the right to vengeance as you did with the Amalekite that killed Saul, why can’t they?  Hypocrite!

    39 And today, though I am the anointed king, I am weak, and these sons of Zeruiah are too strong for me. May the LORD repay the evildoer according to his evil deeds!”

    But he never does.  He punishes the innocent for his own mistakes most of the time.

    << 2-Samuel 2       Index      2-Samuel 4 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 26, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: , Abner, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    2-Samuel 2: All together now everybody, grab, thrust and fall. 

    2-Samuel: Part 2 of 24
    David Anointed King Over Judah

    1 In the course of time, David inquired of the LORD. “Shall I go up to one of the towns of Judah?” he asked.

    His reason for asking would be nice…

    The LORD said, “Go up.”

    And Yay, they skipped along merrily for that was their wont…

    David asked, “Where shall I go?”

    “To Hebron,” the LORD answered.

    And so they continued happily along their way until all of a sudden…

    2 So David went up there with his two wives, Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel.

    3 David also took the men who were with him, each with his family, and they settled in Hebron and its towns.

    4 Then the men of Judah came to Hebron, and there they anointed David king over the tribe of Judah.

    Why?

    When David was told that it was the men from Jabesh Gilead who had buried Saul,

    5 he sent messengers to them to say to them, “The LORD bless you for showing this kindness to Saul your master by burying him.

    What about the kindness the Amalekite showed Saul by ending his suffering?  You killed him!

    6 May the LORD now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this.

    Ah, so that’s it!  The Amalekite did Saul a favour so you did him a favour by killing him instead of making him suffer through life?  Hmmmm!

    7 Now then, be strong and brave, for Saul your master is dead, and the people of Judah have anointed me king over them.”

    I wonder how many think that is a good thing after all your kindness you’ve been showing the Philistines, the Amalekites, the Geshurites and the Girzites.

    War Between the Houses of David and Saul

    8 Meanwhile, Abner son of Ner, the commander of Saul’s army, had taken Ish-Bosheth son of Saul and brought him over to Mahanaim.

    9 He made him king over Gilead, Ashuri and Jezreel, and also over Ephraim, Benjamin and all Israel.

    How can it be all Israel if David is King over Judah?

    10 Ish-Bosheth son of Saul was forty years old when he became king over Israel, and he reigned two years. The tribe of Judah, however, remained loyal to David.

    11 The length of time David was king in Hebron over Judah was seven years and six months.

    12 Abner son of Ner, together with the men of Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, left Mahanaim and went to Gibeon.

    13 Joab son of Zeruiah and David’s men went out and met them at the pool of Gibeon. One group sat down on one side of the pool and one group on the other side.

    14 Then Abner said to Joab, “Let’s have some of the young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us.”

    “All right, let them do it,” Joab said.

    15 So they stood up and were counted off—twelve men for Benjamin and Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, and twelve for David.

    For what reason?  Their amusement?

    16 Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent’s side, and they fell down together. So that place in Gibeon was called Helkath Hazzurim.

    How very coincidental that was. Twenty Four men all the the same idea at the same time?  Give me a break.  Freaking moronic book.

    17 The battle that day was very fierce, and Abner and the Israelites were defeated by David’s men.

    18 The three sons of Zeruiah were there: Joab, Abishai and Asahel. Now Asahel was as fleet-footed as a wild gazelle.

    19 He chased Abner, turning neither to the right nor to the left as he pursued him.

    20 Abner looked behind him and asked, “Is that you, Asahel?”

    “It is,” he answered.

    We’re going to have a conversation while trying to kill each other?

    21 Then Abner said to him, “Turn aside to the right or to the left; take on one of the young men and strip him of his weapons.” But Asahel would not stop chasing him.

    22 Again Abner warned Asahel, “Stop chasing me! Why should I strike you down? How could I look your brother Joab in the face?”

    23 But Asahel refused to give up the pursuit; so Abner thrust the butt of his spear into Asahel’s stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot. And every man stopped when he came to the place where Asahel had fallen and died.

    Oh, I’d love to see that.  The butt of the spear all the way through while running away?  Highly unlikely.

    24 But Joab and Abishai pursued Abner, and as the sun was setting, they came to the hill of Ammah, near Giah on the way to the wasteland of Gibeon.

    25 Then the men of Benjamin rallied behind Abner. They formed themselves into a group and took their stand on top of a hill.

    26 Abner called out to Joab, “Must the sword devour forever? Don’t you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?”

    It might have been a good idea to think of that before starting to fight in the first place and not just when your own life is on the line.

    27 Joab answered, “As surely as God lives, if you had not spoken, the men would have continued pursuing them until morning.”

    28 So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the troops came to a halt; they no longer pursued Israel, nor did they fight anymore.

    29 All that night Abner and his men marched through the Arabah. They crossed the Jordan, continued through the morning hours and came to Mahanaim.

    30 Then Joab stopped pursuing Abner and assembled the whole army. Besides Asahel, nineteen of David’s men were found missing.

    31 But David’s men had killed three hundred and sixty Benjamites who were with Abner.

    32 They took Asahel and buried him in his father’s tomb at Bethlehem. Then Joab and his men marched all night and arrived at Hebron by daybreak.

    Ah, so the massacring of so many men was so you could march all night and what?  That was it?  This must be one of those cliff hangers you get on the tv soaps.  :)

    << 2-Samuel 1       Index      2-Samuel 3 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 25, 2011 Permalink
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    2 Samuel 1: The next time a King asks you to kill him, pretend you’re deaf and walk away. 

    2-Samuel: Part 1 of 24
    David Hears of Saul’s Death

    1 After the death of Saul, David returned from striking down the Amalekites and stayed in Ziklag two days.

    As you do when you’re tired from so much bloodthirsty activity.  It does take it’s toll you know.

    2 On the third day a man arrived from Saul’s camp with his clothes torn and dust on his head. When he came to David, he fell to the ground to pay him honor.

    It says they stayed in Ziklag two days and this guy arrives on the third day.  There would be nobody there to talk to.  Stupid book.

    3 “Where have you come from?” David asked him.

    He answered, “I have escaped from the Israelite camp.”

    Or, “I ran away from the battle”.

    4 “What happened?” David asked. “Tell me.”

    “The men fled from the battle,” he replied. “Many of them fell and died. And Saul and his son Jonathan are dead.”

    5 Then David said to the young man who brought him the report, “How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan are dead?”

    6 “I happened to be on Mount Gilboa,” the young man said, “and there was Saul, leaning on his spear, with the chariots and their drivers in hot pursuit.

    Pursuit to me means movement by both pursued and pursuer.  If Saul was leaning on his spear, then they weren’t in ‘hot pursuit’.  Someone is taking a little too much literary licence here.  :)

    7 When he turned around and saw me, he called out to me, and I said, ‘What can I do?’

    8 “He asked me, ‘Who are you?’

    “‘An Amalekite,’ I answered.

    An Amalekite; one of the people David has been slaughtering all this time.

    9 “Then he said to me, ‘Stand here by me and kill me! I’m in the throes of death, but I’m still alive.’

    10 “So I stood beside him and killed him, because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord.”

    11 Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them.

    Picture this.  Think about what it would look like for six hundred battle hardened warriors to be acting in this fashion.

    12 They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and for the nation of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.

    Add crying into the picture and think about what that would look like.  Is there really any belief that this happened?  Really?

    13 David said to the young man who brought him the report, “Where are you from?”

    “I am the son of a foreigner, an Amalekite,” he answered.

    14 David asked him, “Why weren’t you afraid to lift your hand to destroy the LORD’s anointed?”

    Maybe because it was the Lord’s anointed that ordered him to do the deed?

    15 Then David called one of his men and said, “Go, strike him down!” So he struck him down, and he died.

    Well, there’s appreciation for you.  The guy did what he was asked to do by the King and then gets assassinated for his trouble.

    16 For David had said to him, “Your blood be on your own head. Your own mouth testified against you when you said, ‘I killed the LORD’s anointed.’”

    It also testified for him when he told you Saul asked him to perform the deed.  Morons.

    David’s Lament for Saul and Jonathan

    17 David took up this lament concerning Saul and his son Jonathan,

    18 and he ordered that the people of Judah be taught this lament of the bow (it is written in the Book of Jashar):

    19 “A gazelle lies slain on your heights, Israel.
    How the mighty have fallen!

    20 “Tell it not in Gath,
    proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon,
    lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad,
    lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.

    Oh yeah, that’s a lovely line anyone would be proud to have in a song about them.

    21 “Mountains of Gilboa,
    may you have neither dew nor rain,
    may no showers fall on your terraced fields.
    For there the shield of the mighty was despised,
    the shield of Saul—no longer rubbed with oil.

    Well, how about laying blame where it should be?  God caused it.  It was all by his bidding.

    22 “From the blood of the slain,
    from the flesh of the mighty,
    the bow of Jonathan did not turn back,
    the sword of Saul did not return unsatisfied.

    23 Saul and Jonathan—
    in life they were loved and admired,
    and in death they were not parted.
    They were swifter than eagles,
    they were stronger than lions.

    Saul my have been loved, but not by everyone.  Certainly not God.

    24 “Daughters of Israel,
    weep for Saul,
    who clothed you in scarlet and finery,
    who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold.

    25 “How the mighty have fallen in battle!
    Jonathan lies slain on your heights.

    26 I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
    you were very dear to me.
    Your love for me was wonderful,
    more wonderful than that of women.

    If that last line can’t be taken for the bible being in favour of homosexuality,  then there is nothing in the bible that can be taken literally.  At all.

    27 “How the mighty have fallen!
    The weapons of war have perished!”

    If only all weapons of war had perished, we’d be in a far better position today.

    Index       2-Samuel 2 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 24, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel: The Post Mortem 

    1-Samuel: What was it all about?

    Well, that was a slightly more interesting story than Ruth. With this we had Samuel through to Saul through to David.  Saul and David being the main players.  Why God would tell Samuel to make Saul the King when he would have known that he was the wrong choice is beyond me.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m not all knowing and don’t pretend to be as opposed to this petulant freak we call God.  How this book can continue to say God is all knowing, all wise, all powerful while at the same time proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is nothing of the kind leaves me bewildered.  People read this tome daily.  They preach from it daily.  They teach it to our children daily.  And yet, while reading it they must somehow turn off that portion of the brain that leads the rest of us to think for ourselves and see how dangerous this book really is to a civilised and modern society.

    How can we ever expect to move forward into the future with a positive outlook while at the same time keeping ourselves chained like slaves to, among other things, a superstitious, lawless, genocidal, bigoted past?

    When you read section after section that Saul is tormented daily by God’s tormentors, pushed into slavishly pursuing David for no other reason than God’s amusement, to then be persuaded to give up the chase and change his mind again the following day, it just becomes a joke.  Think about it for a second.  If you were pissed off at someone and you chased them around the desert until you finally caught up with them and they were unarmed, you had a sword or spear and they kept insulting you, would you let them go?  No?  Of course not.  But this book expects us to believe that Saul would do just that in the face of David’s insults.  Do you want to believe it is because that is what God wanted him to do?  Ok, believe that, but explain it to me.  What is the payoff to anyone to have them behave in this manner?  Where is the moral teaching behind it?  The only story here is to stay the hell away from religion before it sends you around the twist and has you locked up in a rubber room somewhere.

    In one section it tells you David had three wives and in another it tells you he only had two.  One person, Jonathan, who backed David right from the beginning and was ultimately the cause of David’s life being saved was then killed without anything being done by God to save him.  What good did it do Jonathan to be a believer?

    To finish off I’d like to ask yet again, what good it does anyone, even God, to have so many people being killed day after day, week after week, year after year?  Even the Israelites aren’t being allowed to live in peace.  The millions they’ve killed certainly haven’t benefited.  The slaves they’ve captured haven’t thrown any parties and thanked anyone for being held captive and worked to death day after day.  The women/girls they capture and rape aren’t sending out messages of appreciation.  It’s no better from the other side of the equation either.  The Philistines are just as bad.  It’s just one big bloodbath that only seems to be for the amusement of God.  And what god would that be?  They don’t all believe in the same god.  Is there a whole plethora of the bastards up there in the sky playing some kind of wargame with us as the game pieces?  Millions dying in wars, earthquakes, plagues, fires, floods, famines and just for their amusement?

    Get over yourselves people.  It’s a book.  A badly written book with nothing to back it up.  Put the stupid thing down, back away from it and never pick it up again.  You and the rest of the world will be better of for it.

    << 1-Samuel 31      Index      2-Samuel 1 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 23, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 31: God goes on a holiday. 

    1-Samuel: Part 31 of 31
    Saul Takes His Life

    1 Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell dead on Mount Gilboa.

    Where was God?  He allowed this?

    2 The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua.

    Jonathan was the one who protected David, which should have pleased God.  Why wasn’t he saved?

    3 The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically.

    4 Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.”

    But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it.

    Suicide is ok?

    5 When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him.

    6 So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day.

    And verily, God didn’t giveth a crap.

    7 When the Israelites along the valley and those across the Jordan saw that the Israelite army had fled and that Saul and his sons had died, they abandoned their towns and fled. And the Philistines came and occupied them.

    8 The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa.

    9 They cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and they sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news in the temple of their idols and among their people.

    And still God does nothing.

    10 They put his armor in the temple of the Ashtoreths and fastened his body to the wall of Beth Shan.

    11 When the people of Jabesh Gilead heard what the Philistines had done to Saul,

    12 all their valiant men marched through the night to Beth Shan. They took down the bodies of Saul and his sons from the wall of Beth Shan and went to Jabesh, where they burned them.

    13 Then they took their bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree at Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.

    That’s unlikely to help them in their upcoming battles to take back this land and avenge Saul.  Stupid book.

    << 1-Samuel 30 Index 1-Samuel: The Post Mortem >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 22, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 30: Being the second to commit the same crime doesn’t make you the moral one. 

    1-Samuel: Part 30 of 31
    David Destroys the Amalekites

    1 David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it,

    2 and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them, but carried them off as they went on their way.

    3 When David and his men reached Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive.

    4 So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.

    5 David’s two wives had been captured—Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel.

    6 David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.

    Why? If God cared, wouldn’t he have saved their wives and children? We all know actions speak louder than words, so this ‘god is so freaking good’ and ‘I take strength from God’ crap isn’t worth shit.  He needs to take decisive action and actually help people.  Taking credit when they achieve something and blaming them for their shortcomings when they fail is just useless.  As is God.

    7 Then David said to Abiathar the priest, the son of Ahimelek, “Bring me the ephod.” Abiathar brought it to him,

    8 and David inquired of the LORD, “Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?”

    “Pursue them,” he answered. “You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.”

    9 David and the six hundred men with him came to the Besor Valley, where some stayed behind.

    10 Two hundred of them were too exhausted to cross the valley, but David and the other four hundred continued the pursuit.

    11 They found an Egyptian in a field and brought him to David. They gave him water to drink and food to eat—

    12 part of a cake of pressed figs and two cakes of raisins. He ate and was revived, for he had not eaten any food or drunk any water for three days and three nights.

    13 David asked him, “Who do you belong to? Where do you come from?”

    He said, “I am an Egyptian, the slave of an Amalekite. My master abandoned me when I became ill three days ago.

    14 We raided the Negev of the Kerethites, some territory belonging to Judah and the Negev of Caleb. And we burned Ziklag.”

    15 David asked him, “Can you lead me down to this raiding party?”

    He answered, “Swear to me before God that you will not kill me or hand me over to my master, and I will take you down to them.”

    Why doesn’t God just show them the way?

    16 He led David down, and there they were, scattered over the countryside, eating, drinking and reveling because of the great amount of plunder they had taken from the land of the Philistines and from Judah.

    17 David fought them from dusk until the evening of the next day, and none of them got away, except four hundred young men who rode off on camels and fled.

    18 David recovered everything the Amalekites had taken, including his two wives.

    19 Nothing was missing: young or old, boy or girl, plunder or anything else they had taken. David brought everything back.

    20 He took all the flocks and herds, and his men drove them ahead of the other livestock, saying, “This is David’s plunder.”

    21 Then David came to the two hundred men who had been too exhausted to follow him and who were left behind at the Besor Valley. They came out to meet David and the men with him. As David and his men approached, he asked them how they were.

    22 But all the evil men and troublemakers among David’s followers said, “Because they did not go out with us, we will not share with them the plunder we recovered. However, each man may take his wife and children and go.”

    23 David replied, “No, my brothers, you must not do that with what the LORD has given us. He has protected us and delivered into our hands the raiding party that came against us.

    How did God do this?  What evidence have you?  Again, saying it doesn’t make it so.

    24 Who will listen to what you say? The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike.”

    25 David made this a statute and ordinance for Israel from that day to this.

    26 When David reached Ziklag, he sent some of the plunder to the elders of Judah, who were his friends, saying, “Here is a gift for you from the plunder of the LORD’s enemies.”

    27 David sent it to those who were in Bethel, Ramoth Negev and Jattir;

    28 to those in Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa

    29 and Rakal; to those in the towns of the Jerahmeelites and the Kenites;

    30 to those in Hormah, Bor Ashan, Athak

    31 and Hebron; and to those in all the other places where he and his men had roamed.

    Which makes you no better than your enemy.  They raid and take plunder; you raid and take plunder.

    << 1-Samuel 29       Index      1-Samuel 31 >>

     

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