2-Samuel: Part 6 of 24
The Ark Brought to Jerusalem
1 David again brought together all the able young men of Israel—thirty thousand.
Out of all those millions they can only scrape together thirty thousand? Yeah, I suppose that would be right after all their people God has killed and allowed to be killed fighting his wars against others.
2 He and all his men went to Baalah in Judah to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the Name, the name of the LORD Almighty, who is enthroned between the cherubim on the ark.
God is omnipresent, so he is everywhere. Sooo, he is also enthroned between the cheeks of my arse.
3 They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart
Cart? Go that way! Cart? Go this way!
4 with the ark of God on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it.
Cart? Follow Ahio!
5 David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before the LORD, with castanets, harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals.
Isn’t that a little over the top?
6 When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled.
7 The LORD’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.
Aha, just like with David. Try to do a favour and you get shat on! Why would anyone want to follow this guy?
8 Then David was angry because the LORD’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.
9 David was afraid of the LORD that day and said, “How can the ark of the LORD ever come to me?”
10 He was not willing to take the ark of the LORD to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite.
God was ok with that?
11 The ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and the LORD blessed him and his entire household.
How? Did he diddle Obed-Edom’s wife?
12 Now King David was told, “The LORD has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went to bring up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing.
Don’t touch it dude! You’ll get shat on from a great height!
13 When those who were carrying the ark of the LORD had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf.
Why does any animal have to die? What’s the point and did that happen every six steps and why six?
14 Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the LORD with all his might,
Dancing? In front of God? If God is in between the cheribum, how can he be with David? If you’re everywhere, then this business of being here or there is meaningless.
15 while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets.
16 As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart.
Aha, hate. Now there’s an emotion we’re used to in this book.
17 They brought the ark of the LORD and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the LORD.
What a crock of shit. David would no more have pitched the tent than he would have made his own meals. That’s what the slaves are for.
18 After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD Almighty.
More dead animals.
19 Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.
If there were thirty thousand troops, plus women and the slaves, then there must have been over thirty thousand loaves of bread, cakes of dates and cakes of raisins. How many bakers did David have with him and what size ovens? These are questions I’d like answered.
20 When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”
Well, in those days, yes they would. Just like they have multiple wives and concubines, slaves and servants etc. They didn’t care, so don’t start pretending they did now.
21 David said to Michal, “It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD.
Yeah, right. Piss off the Mrs why don’t ya! Moron. You’re gonna get it now dude.
22 I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”
Go for it!
23 And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.
That follows from what? You don’t say that God caused that, but you do infer it. What business is it of his anyway? Moronic Book with a moronic god for morons.