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  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 31, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 25: The Bible: How to be a better arsehole! 

    2-Chronicles Part 25 of 36

    1 Amaziah was twenty-five years old when he began to reign; and he reigned twenty-nine years in Jerusalem: and his mother’s name was Jehoaddan, of Jerusalem.

    This is when it happened and who he was.

    2 He did that which was right in the eyes of Yahweh, but not with a perfect heart.

    This is the bit where they say that he did it but not too well.

    3 Now it happened, when the kingdom was established to him, that he killed his servants who had killed the king his father.

    And as is nearly always the case, followed by some taking of life.

    4 But he didn’t put their children to death, but did according to that which is written in the law in the book of Moses, as Yahweh commanded, saying, “The fathers shall not die for the children, neither shall the children die for the fathers; but every man shall die for his own sin.”

    Murder is fine as long as you do it God’s way.

    5 Moreover Amaziah gathered Judah together, and ordered them according to their fathers’ houses, under captains of thousands and captains of hundreds, even all Judah and Benjamin: and he numbered them from twenty years old and upward, and found them three hundred thousand chosen men, able to go forth to war, who could handle spear and shield.

    Ah war!  Couldn’t go long without that could we!!!

    6 He hired also one hundred thousand mighty men of valor out of Israel for one hundred talents of silver.

    7 A man of God came to him, saying, “O king, don’t let the army of Israel go with you; for Yahweh is not with Israel, with all the children of Ephraim.

    Of course not. God is about as fickle as you can get.  You can’t trust him.

    8 But if you will go, take action, be strong for the battle. God will overthrow you before the enemy; for God has power to help, and to overthrow.”

    9 Amaziah said to the man of God, “But what shall we do for the hundred talents which I have given to the army of Israel?”

    The man of God answered, “Yahweh is able to give you much more than this.”

    Bribery from God!!!  I’m shocked!!!  :)

    10 Then Amaziah separated them, the army that had come to him out of Ephraim, to go home again: therefore their anger was greatly kindled against Judah, and they returned home in fierce anger.

    11 Amaziah took courage, and led forth his people, and went to the Valley of Salt, and struck ten thousand of the children of Seir.

    What’s ten thousand lives to God?  Just a mornings work.  Enough for a giggle or two before the big battle I suppose.

    12 The children of Judah carry away ten thousand alive, and brought them to the top of the rock, and threw them down from the top of the rock, so that they all were broken in pieces.

    There you go.  Another ten thousand killed mercilessly.

    13 But the men of the army whom Amaziah sent back, that they should not go with him to battle, fell on the cities of Judah, from Samaria even to Beth Horon, and struck of them three thousand, and took much spoil.

    Karma dude!  :)

    14 Now it happened, after that Amaziah had come from the slaughter of the Edomites, that he brought the gods of the children of Seir, and set them up to be his gods, and bowed down himself before them, and burned incense to them.

    This is yet another example of sheer stupidity.  We are expected to believe that the guy who listened to God’s word and did as he was told, would then turn around and start bowing down to the gods that couldn’t even defend the people he just defeated.  Morons.  Sheer freaking morons!!!  Then again, the sheeple probably are stupid enough to believe this crap.

    15 Therefore the anger of Yahweh was kindled against Amaziah, and he sent to him a prophet, who said to him, “Why have you sought after the gods of the people, which have not delivered their own people out of your hand?”

    What?  God doesn’t know this stuff already?  I’m shocked!!!  :)

    16 It happened, as he talked with him, that the king said to him, “Have we made you one of the king’s counselors? Stop! Why should you be struck down?”

    Then the prophet stopped, and said, “I know that God has determined to destroy you, because you have done this, and have not listened to my counsel.”

    17 Then Amaziah king of Judah consulted his advisers, and sent to Joash, the son of Jehoahaz the son of Jehu, king of Israel, saying, “Come, let us look one another in the face.”

    18 Joash king of Israel sent to Amaziah king of Judah, saying, “The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, ‘Give your daughter to my son as his wife; then a wild animal that was in Lebanon passed by, and trampled down the thistle.

    19 You say to yourself that you have struck Edom; and your heart lifts you up to boast. Now stay at home. Why should you meddle with trouble, that you should fall, even you, and Judah with you?’”

    20 But Amaziah would not listen; for it was of God, that he might deliver them into the hand of their enemies, because they had sought after the gods of Edom.

    So God forces Amaziah to make even bigger mistakes.  Nice one God.  Arsehole!

    21 So Joash king of Israel went up; and he and Amaziah king of Judah looked one another in the face at Beth Shemesh, which belongs to Judah.

    22 Judah was defeated by Israel; and they fled every man to his tent.

    23 Joash king of Israel took Amaziah king of Judah, the son of Joash the son of Jehoahaz, at Beth Shemesh, and brought him to Jerusalem, and broke down the wall of Jerusalem from the gate of Ephraim to the corner gate, four hundred cubits.

    24 He took all the gold and silver, and all the vessels that were found in God’s house with Obed-Edom, and the treasures of the king’s house, the hostages also, and returned to Samaria.

    Of course there is the vengeance and slavery and looting.  Can’t have a good biblical tale without them.

    25 Amaziah the son of Joash king of Judah lived after the death of Joash son of Jehoahaz king of Israel fifteen years.

    26 Now the rest of the acts of Amaziah, first and last, behold, aren’t they written in the book of the kings of Judah and Israel?

    Who cares? If those stories are as lame as all these it would be pretty bad reading.

    27 Now from the time that Amaziah turned away from following Yahweh, they made a conspiracy against him in Jerusalem. He fled to Lachish; but they sent after him to Lachish, and killed him there.

    Yep, they have to die sometime.  It’s not as if anyone gets out of that bit.

    28 They brought him on horses, and buried him with his fathers in the city of Judah.

    So?  Still no moral to the story.  It’s been the same story over and over all the way through Kings 1 and 2 and now through Chronicles 1 and 2.  Blah, blah, blah.  Where are the morals?  This is more like a story of how to be an evil dictator and get yourself killed.

    << 2-Chronicles 24      Index      2-Chronicles 26 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 30, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 24: Zombie! Zombie! Zombie! Oi! Oi! Oi! 

    2-Chronicles Part 24 of 36

    1 Joash was seven years old when he began to reign; and he reigned forty years in Jerusalem: and his mother’s name was Zibiah, of Beersheba.

    Seven years old and running a country?  Sure he did.

    2 Joash did that which was right in the eyes of Yahweh all the days of Jehoiada the priest.

    3 Jehoiada took for him two wives; and he became the father of sons and daughters.

    I wasn’t expecting he’d father sheep and goats.

    4 It happened after this, that Joash intended to restore the house of Yahweh.

    At what age?

    5 He gathered together the priests and the Levites, and said to them, “Go out to the cities of Judah, and gather money to repair the house of your God from all Israel from year to year. See that you expedite this matter.” However the Levites didn’t do it right away.

    6 The king called for Jehoiada the chief, and said to him, “Why haven’t you required of the Levites to bring in the tax of Moses the servant of Yahweh, and of the assembly of Israel, out of Judah and out of Jerusalem, for the tent of the testimony?”

    7 For the sons of Athaliah, that wicked woman, had broken up God’s house; and they also gave all the dedicated things of the house of Yahweh to the Baals.

    When you killed the priests of Baal and knocked down their temples, why didn’t you take back what had been given to them?  Or did you and you’re only after more?  Hmmmmm?

    8 So the king commanded, and they made a chest, and set it outside at the gate of the house of Yahweh.

    9 They made a proclamation through Judah and Jerusalem, to bring in for Yahweh the tax that Moses the servant of God laid on Israel in the wilderness.

    10 All the princes and all the people rejoiced, and brought in, and cast into the chest, until they had made an end.

    11 It was so, that whenever the chest was brought to the king’s officers by the hand of the Levites, and when they saw that there was much money, the king’s scribe and the chief priest’s officer came and emptied the chest, and took it, and carried it to its place again. Thus they did day by day, and gathered money in abundance.

    That sounds just like religion today.  It seems like it hasn’t changed much.

    12 The king and Jehoiada gave it to such as did the work of the service of the house of Yahweh; and they hired masons and carpenters to restore the house of Yahweh, and also such as worked iron and brass to repair the house of Yahweh.

    13 So the workmen worked, and the work of repairing went forward in their hands, and they set up God’s house in its state, and strengthened it.

    14 When they had made an end, they brought the rest of the money before the king and Jehoiada, of which were made vessels for the house of Yahweh, even vessels with which to minister and to offer, and spoons, and vessels of gold and silver. They offered burnt offerings in the house of Yahweh continually all the days of Jehoiada.

    So when they didn’t need any more money they didn’t think it would be a good idea to give what was left back to the people?   Just keep it for themselves?  Also, just like today.

    15 But Jehoiada grew old and was full of days, and he died; one hundred thirty years old was he when he died.

    One hundred and thirty?  Bullshit!!!

    16 They buried him in the city of David among the kings, because he had done good in Israel, and toward God and his house.

    17 Now after the death of Jehoiada came the princes of Judah, and made obeisance to the king. Then the king listened to them.

    18 They forsook the house of Yahweh, the God of their fathers, and served the Asherim and the idols: and wrath came on Judah and Jerusalem for this their guiltiness.

    To and fro, to and fro, time after time.  It just shows how bloody stupid the religious can be.

    19 Yet he sent prophets to them, to bring them again to Yahweh; and they testified against them: but they would not give ear.

    20 The Spirit of God came on Zechariah the son of Jehoiada the priest; and he stood above the people, and said to them, “Thus says God, ‘Why do you disobey the commandments of Yahweh, so that you can’t prosper? Because you have forsaken Yahweh, he has also forsaken you.’”

    21 They conspired against him, and stoned him with stones at the commandment of the king in the court of the house of Yahweh.

    22 Thus Joash the king didn’t remember the kindness which Jehoiada his father had done to him, but killed his son. When he died, he said, “May Yahweh look at it, and repay it.”

    He forsakes God, kills his priests son, then invokes God’s name?  Fecking ridiculous.

    23 It happened at the end of the year, that the army of the Syrians came up against him: and they came to Judah and Jerusalem, and destroyed all the princes of the people from among the people, and sent all their plunder to the king of Damascus.

    “Destroyed ALL the princes of the people from among the people”.  ALL of them.  Remember that.

    24 For the army of the Syrians came with a small company of men; and Yahweh delivered a very great army into their hand, because they had forsaken Yahweh, the God of their fathers. So they executed judgment on Joash.

    25 When they were departed for him (for they left him very sick), his own servants conspired against him for the blood of the sons of Jehoiada the priest, and killed him on his bed, and he died; and they buried him in the city of David, but they didn’t bury him in the tombs of the kings.

    26 These are those who conspired against him: Zabad the son of Shimeath the Ammonitess, and Jehozabad the son of Shimrith the Moabitess.

    27 Now concerning his sons, and the greatness of the burdens laid on him, and the rebuilding of God’s house, behold, they are written in the commentary of the book of the kings. Amaziah his son reigned in his place.

    Amaziah his son.  The Kings son.  That makes him a prince.  For shit sake, they were all killed a moment ago and now this one is alive?  Were they bullshitting us again or is this another freaking Zombie?

    << 2-Chronicles 23      Index      2-Chronicles 25 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 29, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 23: Christians believe in Freedom of Religion? Sure they do. 

    2-Chronicles Part 23 of 36

    1 In the seventh year Jehoiada strengthened himself, and took the captains of hundreds, Azariah the son of Jeroham, and Ishmael the son of Jehohanan, and Azariah the son of Obed, and Maaseiah the son of Adaiah, and Elishaphat the son of Zichri, into covenant with him.

    2 They went about in Judah, and gathered the Levites out of all the cities of Judah, and the heads of fathers’ households of Israel, and they came to Jerusalem.

    The plotting begins.

    3 All the assembly made a covenant with the king in God’s house. He said to them, “Behold, the king’s son shall reign, as Yahweh has spoken concerning the sons of David.

    4 This is the thing that you shall do. A third part of you, who come in on the Sabbath, of the priests and of the Levites, shall be porters of the thresholds.

    5 A third part shall be at the king’s house; and a third part at the gate of the foundation. All the people shall be in the courts of Yahweh’s house.

    6 But let no one come into the house of Yahweh, except the priests, and those who minister of the Levites. They shall come in, for they are holy, but all the people shall follow Yahweh’s instructions.

    7 The Levites shall surround the king, every man with his weapons in his hand. Whoever comes into the house, let him be slain. Be with the king when he comes in, and when he goes out.”

    That’s a lot of armed soldiers.  All for what?  How many people are they expecting?

    8 So the Levites and all Judah did according to all that Jehoiada the priest commanded: and they took every man his men, those who were to come in on the Sabbath; with those who were to go out on the Sabbath; for Jehoiada the priest didn’t dismiss the shift.

    9 Jehoiada the priest delivered to the captains of hundreds the spears, and bucklers, and shields, that had been king David’s, which were in God’s house.

    10 He set all the people, every man with his weapon in his hand, from the right side of the house to the left side of the house, along by the altar and the house, around the king.

    11 Then they brought out the king’s son, and put the crown on him, and gave him the testimony, and made him king: and Jehoiada and his sons anointed him; and they said, “Long live the king!”

    Just another bully ready to take advantage of his position.

    12 When Athaliah heard the noise of the people running and praising the king, she came to the people into the house of Yahweh:

    13 and she looked, and, behold, the king stood by his pillar at the entrance, and the captains and the trumpets by the king; and all the people of the land rejoiced, and blew trumpets; the singers also played musical instruments, and led the singing of praise. Then Athaliah tore her clothes, and said, “Treason! treason!”

    In a way she was right.  But considering how she came to power, who cares.

    14 Jehoiada the priest brought out the captains of hundreds who were set over the army, and said to them, “Bring her out between the ranks; and whoever follows her, let him be slain with the sword.” For the priest said, “Don’t kill her in Yahweh’s house.”

    I don’t see why she shouldn’t be killed there.  He seems to like a bit of bloodshed.

    15 So they made way for her. She went to the entrance of the horse gate to the king’s house; and they killed her there.

    Dead is still dead.

    16 Jehoiada made a covenant between himself, and all the people, and the king, that they should be Yahweh’s people.

    17 All the people went to the house of Baal, and broke it down, and broke his altars and his images in pieces, and killed Mattan the priest of Baal before the altars.

    There’s freedom of religion for you.

    18 Jehoiada appointed the officers of the house of Yahweh under the hand of the priests the Levites, whom David had distributed in the house of Yahweh, to offer the burnt offerings of Yahweh, as it is written in the law of Moses, with rejoicing and with singing, according to the order of David.

    And what pray tell did they burn?  Athaliah maybe?

    19 He set the porters at the gates of the house of Yahweh, that no one who was unclean in anything should enter in.

    20 He took the captains of hundreds, and the nobles, and the governors of the people, and all the people of the land, and brought down the king from the house of Yahweh: and they came through the upper gate to the king’s house, and set the king on the throne of the kingdom.

    21 So all the people of the land rejoiced, and the city was quiet. Athaliah they had slain with the sword.

    Quiet is such a relative term.  Quiet compared to what?  For how long?  This lot never sit still without going to war for extended periods, so I suppose this might more properly be called a ‘lull’.

    << 2-Chronicles 22      Index      2-Chronicles 24 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 28, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 22: See God Kill. Kill God, Kill!!! 

    2-Chronicles Part 22 of 36

    1 The inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his place; for the band of men who came with the Arabians to the camp had slain all the eldest. So Ahaziah the son of Jehoram king of Judah reigned.

    So this book is saying that the Arabians just came in, killed a heap of people and then just walked away leaving everyone else to grow up and come after them later on?  Bullshit.  They would have taken over the country/kingdom for their own.

    2 Forty-two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign; and he reigned one year in Jerusalem: and his mother’s name was Athaliah the daughter of Omri.

    3 He also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab; for his mother was his counselor to do wickedly.

    4 He did that which was evil in the sight of Yahweh, as did the house of Ahab; for they were his counselors after the death of his father, to his destruction.

    5 He walked also after their counsel, and went with Jehoram the son of Ahab king of Israel to war against Hazael king of Syria at Ramoth Gilead: and the Syrians wounded Joram.

    6 He returned to be healed in Jezreel of the wounds which they had given him at Ramah, when he fought against Hazael king of Syria. Azariah the son of Jehoram king of Judah went down to see Jehoram the son of Ahab in Jezreel, because he was sick.

    Ok, ok, ok.  We get it.  He was a dickhead.  So fecking what?  He was a baaaaaaaad boy and paid for it.  You’ve told this damn story over and over and over till it is getting so damned annoying I don’t want to hear it anymore.  You just keep changing the name and retelling it.  Get over it already.

    7 Now the destruction of Ahaziah was of God, in that he went to Joram: for when he had come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom Yahweh had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab.

    8 It happened, when Jehu was executing judgment on the house of Ahab, that he found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brothers of Ahaziah, ministering to Ahaziah, and killed them.

    Yeah, why not!  What’s a little more blood on the ground?  They don’t seem to value life anymore than God does.

    9 He sought Ahaziah, and they caught him (now he was hiding in Samaria), and they brought him to Jehu, and killed him; and they buried him, for they said, “He is the son of Jehoshaphat, who sought Yahweh with all his heart.” The house of Ahaziah had no power to hold the kingdom.

    10 Now when Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all the royal seed of the house of Judah.

    11 But Jehoshabeath, the daughter of the king, took Joash the son of Ahaziah, and stole him away from among the king’s sons who were slain, and put him and his nurse in the bedroom. So Jehoshabeath, the daughter of king Jehoram, the wife of Jehoiada the priest (for she was the sister of Ahaziah), hid him from Athaliah, so that she didn’t kill him.

    Stupid genealogy.  It sounds more like a bunch of inbred hillbillies to me.

    12 He was with them hidden in God’s house six years: and Athaliah reigned over the land.

    It sounds more like she shit all over the land.

    << 2-Chronicles 21      Index      2-Chronicles 23 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 27, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 21: Haemorrhoids of biblical proportion or cancer of the arse? 

    2-Chronicles Part 21 of 36

    1 Jehoshaphat slept with his fathers, and was buried with his fathers in the city of David: and Jehoram his son reigned in his place.

    Bye bye Phatboy!

    2 He had brothers, the sons of Jehoshaphat: Azariah, and Jehiel, and Zechariah, and Azariah, and Michael, and Shephatiah; all these were the sons of Jehoshaphat king of Israel.

    3 Their father gave them great gifts, of silver, and of gold, and of precious things, with fortified cities in Judah: but the kingdom gave he to Jehoram, because he was the firstborn.

    An accident of birth. Great way to decide who gets what.

    4 Now when Jehoram was risen up over the kingdom of his father, and had strengthened himself, he killed all his brothers with the sword, and various also of the princes of Israel.

    Oh, oh, such a great man.  I’m in awe.  NOT!

    5 Jehoram was thirty-two years old when he began to reign; and he reigned eight years in Jerusalem.

    6 He walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as did the house of Ahab; for he had the daughter of Ahab as wife: and he did that which was evil in the sight of Yahweh.

    7 However Yahweh would not destroy the house of David, because of the covenant that he had made with David, and as he promised to give a lamp to him and to his children always.

    There’s the problem with promises without proviso.  These idiots get to do whatever they like and Head Dork supports them.

    8 In his days Edom revolted from under the hand of Judah, and made a king over themselves.

    9 Then Jehoram passed over with his captains, and all his chariots with him: and he rose up by night, and struck the Edomites who surrounded him, along with the captains of the chariots.

    10 So Edom revolted from under the hand of Judah to this day: then Libnah revolted at the same time from under his hand, because he had forsaken Yahweh, the God of his fathers.

    11 Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah, and made the inhabitants of Jerusalem to play the prostitute, and led Judah astray.

    12 A letter came to him from Elijah the prophet, saying, “Thus says Yahweh, the God of David your father, ‘Because you have not walked in the ways of Jehoshaphat your father, nor in the ways of Asa king of Judah,

    13 but have walked in the way of the kings of Israel, and have made Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem to play the prostitute, like the house of Ahab did, and also have slain your brothers of your father’s house, who were better than yourself:

    14 behold, Yahweh will strike with a great plague your people, and your children, and your wives, and all your substance;

    And then the support stops.  Why?  Didn’t we just get told it wouldn’t?

    15 and you shall have great sickness by disease of your bowels, until your bowels fall out by reason of the sickness, day by day.’”

    Haemorrhoids of Biblical Proportion? Cancer of the Arse?  Nasty bastard this guy.

    16 Yahweh stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians who are beside the Ethiopians:

    17 and they came up against Judah, and broke into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king’s house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, except Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons.

    18 After all this Yahweh struck him in his bowels with an incurable disease.

    Struck who?  The way this reads it could be either Jehoram or Jehoahaz.

    19 It happened, in process of time, at the end of two years, that his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness, and he died of severe diseases. His people made no burning for him, like the burning of his fathers.

    20 Thirty-two years old was he when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years: and he departed without being desired; and they buried him in the city of David, but not in the tombs of the kings.

    Wow!  I’m truly at a loss for words.

    << 2-Chronicles 20      Index      2-Chronicles 22 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 26, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 20: Hey Phatboy! Why you no love me no more? – God 

    2-Chronicles Part 20 of 36

    1 It happened after this, that the children of Moab, and the children of Ammon, and with them some of the Ammonites, came against Jehoshaphat to battle.

    Poor Phatboy!

    2 Then some came who told Jehoshaphat, saying, “A great multitude is coming against you from beyond the sea from Syria. Behold, they are in Hazazon Tamar” (that is, En Gedi).

    Beyond the sea?  Syria to Judah?  Sure they did. Going across the Dead Sea might be quicker, but it allows them to be seen coming across.  Defence would be much easier.  Having the Moab come from the south, the Syrians from the north and split Judah’s forces would be smarter.

    3 Jehoshaphat was alarmed, and set himself to seek to Yahweh. He proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah.

    Starve your army.  There’s a great way to get them ready for war.

    4 Judah gathered themselves together, to seek help from Yahweh. They came out of all the cities of Judah to seek Yahweh.

    5 Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of Yahweh, before the new court;

    6 and he said, “Yahweh, the God of our fathers, aren’t you God in heaven? Aren’t you ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? Power and might are in your hand, so that no one is able to withstand you.

    He’s asking the question?  This isn’t building up God by saying nice things about him.  It’s questioning his power or commitment.

    7 Didn’t you, our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel, and give it to the seed of Abraham your friend forever?

    8 They lived in it, and have built you a sanctuary in it for your name, saying,

    9 ‘If evil comes on us—the sword, judgment, pestilence, or famine—we will stand before this house, and before you, (for your name is in this house), and cry to you in our affliction, and you will hear and save.’

    If he was half the god you think he is he wouldn’t allow those things to afflict you in the first place.

    10 Now, behold, the children of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom you would not let Israel invade, when they came out of the land of Egypt, but they turned aside from them, and didn’t destroy them;

    11 behold, how they reward us, to come to cast us out of your possession, which you have given us to inherit.

    God must have known.  He knows everything.  You’re being set up.  He likes war.  It’s all you guys have ever done since leaving Egypt.

    12 Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no might against this great company that comes against us; neither know we what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

    13 All Judah stood before Yahweh, with their little ones, their wives, and their children.

    Little ones and their children?  Aren’t the little ones the children?  If not, what are the little ones?

    14 Then the Spirit of Yahweh came on Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, the Levite, of the sons of Asaph, in the midst of the assembly;

    Can’t we just get to the point without the genealogy?

    15 and he said, “Listen, all Judah, and you inhabitants of Jerusalem, and you king Jehoshaphat. Thus says Yahweh to you, ‘Don’t be afraid, neither be dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God’s.

    This quite plainly says God is going to fight, not Phatboy’s army.  If that is possible, what need of the armies of the past?  Couldn’t God have taken care of things then and saved all the lives that have been lost in the multitude of wars they have fought?

    16 Tomorrow go down against them. Behold, they are coming up by the ascent of Ziz. You shall find them at the end of the valley, before the wilderness of Jeruel.

    Then you get ‘go down against them’.

    17 You will not need to fight this battle. Set yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of Yahweh with you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Don’t be afraid, nor be dismayed. Go out against them tomorrow, for Yahweh is with you.’”

    And ‘go out against them’.

    18 Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground; and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before Yahweh, worshiping Yahweh.

    19 The Levites, of the children of the Kohathites and of the children of the Korahites, stood up to praise Yahweh, the God of Israel, with an exceeding loud voice.

    20 They rose early in the morning, and went forth into the wilderness of Tekoa: and as they went forth, Jehoshaphat stood and said, “Listen to me, Judah, and you inhabitants of Jerusalem! Believe in Yahweh your God, so you shall be established! Believe his prophets, so you shall prosper.”

    21 When he had taken counsel with the people, he appointed those who should sing to Yahweh, and give praise in holy array, as they went out before the army, and say, Give thanks to Yahweh; for his loving kindness endures forever.

    If he actually has loving kindness, he rarely shows it.

    22 When they began to sing and to praise, Yahweh set ambushers against the children of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah; and they were struck.

    23 For the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of Mount Seir, utterly to kill and destroy them: and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, everyone helped to destroy another.

    24 When Judah came to the place overlooking the wilderness, they looked at the multitude; and behold, they were dead bodies fallen to the earth, and there were none who escaped.

    So what we have is God allowing these people to be left alone till he had use of them and then he kills them all.  This was a planned massacre.

    25 When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take their plunder, they found among them in abundance both riches and dead bodies, and precious jewels, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away: and they were three days in taking the plunder, it was so much.

    26 On the fourth day they assembled themselves in the valley of Beracah; for there they blessed Yahweh: therefore the name of that place was called The valley of Beracah to this day.

    Blessed him for mass murder?  It was unnecessary loss of life that he could have avoided.  He is a god after all.

    27 Then they returned, every man of Judah and Jerusalem, and Jehoshaphat in their forefront, to go again to Jerusalem with joy; for Yahweh had made them to rejoice over their enemies.

    Yep, nothing like rejoicing over someone else’s death.  Good going God.  Bastard.

    28 They came to Jerusalem with stringed instruments and harps and trumpets to the house of Yahweh.

    29 The fear of God was on all the kingdoms of the countries, when they heard that Yahweh fought against the enemies of Israel.

    That wasn’t fighting.  He made them kill each other.  He just talked them into doing it while he sat back and giggled.

    30 So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet; for his God gave him rest all around.

    31 Jehoshaphat reigned over Judah: he was thirty-five years old when he began to reign; and he reigned twenty-five years in Jerusalem: and his mother’s name was Azubah the daughter of Shilhi.

    32 He walked in the way of Asa his father, and didn’t turn aside from it, doing that which was right in the eyes of Yahweh.

    33 However the high places were not taken away; neither as yet had the people set their hearts to the God of their fathers.

    Try explaining that.  God kills all their enemies and still they don’t set their hearts to him?  Bullshit.  After being saved from certain death and watching as God killed everyone who was coming against them, they would have done anything and everything to appease him.

    34 Now the rest of the acts of Jehoshaphat, first and last, behold, they are written in the history of Jehu the son of Hanani, which is inserted in the book of the kings of Israel.

    35 After this Jehoshaphat king of Judah joined himself with Ahaziah king of Israel. The same did very wickedly:

    36 and he joined himself with him to make ships to go to Tarshish; and they made the ships in Ezion Geber.

    37 Then Eliezer the son of Dodavahu of Mareshah prophesied against Jehoshaphat, saying, “Because you have joined yourself with Ahaziah, Yahweh has destroyed your works.” The ships were broken, so that they were not able to go to Tarshish.

    Again, knowing that God is so powerful, why would Phatboy turn against him and put himself in harms way?  It doesn’t make sense.  Being as superstitious as they were and therefore believing that God could zap them for looking the wrong way, he wouldn’t do this.  It makes no sense.

    << 2-Chronicles 19      Index      2-Chronicles 21 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 25, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 19: I do NOT respect you! – God. 

    2-Chronicles Part 19 of 36

    1 Jehoshaphat the king of Judah returned to his house in peace to Jerusalem.

    It’s a pity the people they killed couldn’t say the same.

    2 Jehu the son of Hanani the seer went out to meet him, and said to king Jehoshaphat, “Should you help the wicked, and love those who hate Yahweh? Because of this, wrath is on you from before Yahweh.

    In yesterday’s piece, we heard that Micaiah was the only prophet willing to speak honestly about his prophesies instead of only telling the kings what they wanted to hear.  Why then would we believe this one?

    3 Nevertheless there are good things found in you, in that you have put away the Asheroth out of the land, and have set your heart to seek God.”

    So, in other words, God would have preferred it if PhatBoy here had have had ALL his enemies killed instead of being compassionate and allowing some of them to go home in peace.  A very telling line.

    4 Jehoshaphat lived at Jerusalem: and he went out again among the people from Beersheba to the hill country of Ephraim, and brought them back to Yahweh, the God of their fathers.

    5 He set judges in the land throughout all the fortified cities of Judah, city by city,

    6 and said to the judges, “Consider what you do: for you don’t judge for man, but for Yahweh; and he is with you in the judgment.

    So punish like it’s going out of style and make the bastards pay with blood.  Compassion is for the weak seemingly.

    7 Now therefore let the fear of Yahweh be on you. Take heed and do it: for there is no iniquity with Yahweh our God, nor respect of persons, nor taking of bribes.”

    There you have it.  No respect for persons from Yahweh.

    8 Moreover in Jerusalem Jehoshaphat appointed Levites and priests, and of the heads of the fathers’ households of Israel, for the judgment of Yahweh, and for controversies. They returned to Jerusalem.

    9 He commanded them, saying, “Thus you shall do in the fear of Yahweh, faithfully, and with a perfect heart.

    A person should do what is right because it is right.  Not out of fear.

    10 Whenever any controversy shall come to you from your brothers who dwell in their cities, between blood and blood, between law and commandment, statutes and ordinances, you shall warn them, that they not be guilty towards Yahweh, and so wrath come on you and on your brothers. Do this, and you shall not be guilty.

    How about just judging them fairly and keeping the peace?  It seems to work for others.

    11 Behold, Amariah the chief priest is over you in all matters of Yahweh; and Zebadiah the son of Ishmael, the ruler of the house of Judah, in all the king’s matters: also the Levites shall be officers before you. Deal courageously, and may Yahweh be with the good.”

    That would be nice, but his track record says otherwise.

    << 2-Chronicles 18      Index      2-Chronicles 20 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 24, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 18: Extra, extra. Yahweh speaks evil. Read all about it! 

    2-Chronicles Part 18 of 36

    1 Now Jehoshaphat had riches and honor in abundance; and he joined affinity with Ahab.

    2 After certain years he went down to Ahab to Samaria. Ahab killed sheep and cattle for him in abundance, and for the people who were with him, and moved him to go up with him to Ramoth Gilead.

    3 Ahab king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat king of Judah, “Will you go with me to Ramoth Gilead?”

    He answered him, “I am as you are, and my people as your people. We will be with you in the war.”

    Always war.  Does it ever stop?

    4 Jehoshaphat said to the king of Israel, “Please inquire first for the word of Yahweh.”

    5 Then the king of Israel gathered the prophets together, four hundred men, and said to them, “Shall we go to Ramoth Gilead to battle, or shall I forbear?”

    They said, “Go up; for God will deliver it into the hand of the king.”

    6 But Jehoshaphat said, “Isn’t there here a prophet of Yahweh besides, that we may inquire of him?”

    7 The king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “There is yet one man by whom we may inquire of Yahweh; but I hate him, for he never prophesies good concerning me, but always evil. He is Micaiah the son of Imla.”

    Ah, this guy.  Shun him because he doesn’t say what you want him to?  That’s a great way to treat your advisers.

    Jehoshaphat said, “Don’t let the king say so.”

    8 Then the king of Israel called an officer, and said, “Get Micaiah the son of Imla quickly.”

    9 Now the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat the king of Judah sat each on his throne, arrayed in their robes, and they were sitting in an open place at the entrance of the gate of Samaria; and all the prophets were prophesying before them.

    I wonder what that looks like?

    10 Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah made him horns of iron, and said, “Thus says Yahweh, ‘With these you shall push the Syrians, until they are consumed.’”

    11 All the prophets prophesied so, saying, “Go up to Ramoth Gilead, and prosper; for Yahweh will deliver it into the hand of the king.”

    12 The messenger who went to call Micaiah spoke to him, saying, “Behold, the words of the prophets declare good to the king with one mouth. Let your word therefore, please be like one of theirs, and speak good.”

    What is the use of a prophet who has to read a script?  Let him make up his own fairy tales.

    13 Micaiah said, “As Yahweh lives, what my God says, that will I speak.”

    14 When he had come to the king, the king said to him, “Micaiah, shall we go to Ramoth Gilead to battle, or shall I forbear?”

    He said, “Go up, and prosper. They shall be delivered into your hand.”

    15 The king said to him, “How many times shall I adjure you that you speak to me nothing but the truth in the name of Yahweh?”

    He tells you what you want to hear and you still complain?

    16 He said, “I saw all Israel scattered on the mountains, as sheep that have no shepherd. Yahweh said, ‘These have no master. Let them return every man to his house in peace.’”

    17 The king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “Didn’t I tell you that he would not prophesy good concerning me, but evil?”

    18 Micaiah said, “Therefore hear the word of Yahweh: I saw Yahweh sitting on his throne, and all the army of heaven standing on his right hand and on his left.

    19 Yahweh said, ‘Who shall entice Ahab king of Israel, that he may go up and fall at Ramoth Gilead?’ One spoke saying in this way, and another saying in that way.

    20 A spirit came out, stood before Yahweh, and said, ‘I will entice him.’

    “Yahweh said to him, ‘How?’

    21 “He said, ‘I will go forth, and will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets.’

    Them’s fightin’ words.  You’ll be in trouble with the Prophet’s Union over that one.  :)

    “He said, ‘You will entice him, and will prevail also. Go forth, and do so.’

    22 “Now therefore, behold, Yahweh has put a lying spirit in the mouth of these your prophets; and Yahweh has spoken evil concerning you.”

    Yahweh is accused of speaking evil?  I’m starting to warm to this guy.

    23 Then Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah came near, and struck Micaiah on the cheek, and said, “Which way did the Spirit of Yahweh go from me to speak to you?”

    24 Micaiah said, “Behold, you shall see on that day, when you shall go into an inner room to hide yourself.”

    That sounds like code for something.

    25 The king of Israel said, “Take Micaiah, and carry him back to Amon the governor of the city, and to Joash the king’s son;

    26 and say, ‘Thus says the king, “Put this fellow in the prison, and feed him with bread of affliction and with water of affliction, until I return in peace.”’”

    Of affliction?  I wonder what that is supposed to mean.

    27 Micaiah said, “If you return at all in peace, Yahweh has not spoken by me.” He said, “Listen, you peoples, all of you!”

    28 So the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat the king of Judah went up to Ramoth Gilead.

    29 The king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “I will disguise myself, and go into the battle; but you put on your robes.” So the king of Israel disguised himself; and they went into the battle.

    30 Now the king of Syria had commanded the captains of his chariots, saying, “Fight neither with small nor great, except only with the king of Israel.”

    Are we talking with the army of Israel or are they being instructed to find the King of Israel and kill him?

    31 It happened, when the captains of the chariots saw Jehoshaphat, that they said, “It is the king of Israel!” Therefore they turned around to fight against him. But Jehoshaphat cried out, and Yahweh helped him; and God moved them to depart from him.

    So, it was just the king.  Strange.

    32 It happened, when the captains of the chariots saw that it was not the king of Israel, that they turned back from pursuing him.

    The men saw that it wasn’t Ahab and left.  It had nothing to do with Yahweh.  How come he gets the credit?

    33 A certain man drew his bow at random, and struck the king of Israel between the joints of the armor. Therefore he said to the driver of the chariot, “Turn your hand, and carry me out of the army; for I am severely wounded.”

    That’s what is bound to happen when you go to war.

    34 The battle increased that day. However the king of Israel propped himself up in his chariot against the Syrians until the evening; and about the time of the going down of the sun, he died.

    Yeah, he just had to stay alive to the last second.  Just like a B Grade movie.

    << 2-Chronicles 17      Index      2-Chronicles 19 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 23, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 17: War, war, war!!! Where are the morals? 

    2-Chronicles Part 17 of 36

    1 Jehoshaphat his son reigned in his place, and strengthened himself against Israel.

    2 He placed forces in all the fortified cities of Judah, and set garrisons in the land of Judah, and in the cities of Ephraim, which Asa his father had taken.

    Is this damn book ever going to get off the subject of fricking war?  For shit sake, there is more to life than beating the crap out of your neighbours.

    3 Yahweh was with Jehoshaphat, because he walked in the first ways of his father David, and didn’t seek the Baals,

    4 but sought to the God of his father, and walked in his commandments, and not after the doings of Israel.

    5 Therefore Yahweh established the kingdom in his hand; and all Judah brought to Jehoshaphat tribute; and he had riches and honor in abundance.

    This shouldn’t be about one man and how wealthy and powerful he can get by sucking up to Yahweh!

    6 His heart was lifted up in the ways of Yahweh: and furthermore he took away the high places and the Asherim out of Judah.

    7 Also in the third year of his reign he sent his princes, even Ben Hail, and Obadiah, and Zechariah, and Nethanel, and Micaiah, to teach in the cities of Judah;

    Teach what?  How to be a mindless sock puppet?

    8 and with them the Levites, even Shemaiah, and Nethaniah, and Zebadiah, and Asahel, and Shemiramoth, and Jehonathan, and Adonijah, and Tobijah, and Tobadonijah, the Levites; and with them Elishama and Jehoram, the priests.

    9 They taught in Judah, having the book of the law of Yahweh with them; and they went about throughout all the cities of Judah, and taught among the people.

    Taught them what?  How to wage war?  Kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people?  Rape?  Pillage?  Plunder?

    10 The fear of Yahweh fell on all the kingdoms of the lands that were around Judah, so that they made no war against Jehoshaphat.

    Why couldn’t that be the way right from the beginning so all this waste of life never had to happen?

    11 Some of the Philistines brought Jehoshaphat presents, and silver for tribute; the Arabians also brought him flocks, seven thousand and seven hundred rams, and seven thousand and seven hundred male goats.

    12 Jehoshaphat grew great exceedingly; and he built in Judah castles and cities of store.

    All about wealth and power as usual and only gained through death and fear.

    13 He had many works in the cities of Judah; and men of war, mighty men of valor, in Jerusalem.

    14 This was the numbering of them according to their fathers’ houses: Of Judah, the captains of thousands: Adnah the captain, and with him mighty men of valor three hundred thousand;

    15 and next to him Jehohanan the captain, and with him two hundred eighty thousand;

    16 and next to him Amasiah the son of Zichri, who willingly offered himself to Yahweh; and with him two hundred thousand mighty men of valor.

    17 Of Benjamin: Eliada a mighty man of valor, and with him two hundred thousand armed with bow and shield;

    18 and next to him Jehozabad and with him one hundred eighty thousand ready prepared for war.

    19 These were those who waited on the king, besides those whom the king put in the fortified cities throughout all Judah.

    Warmongering morons.  Stupid freaking book!!!

    << 2-Chronicles 16      Index      2-Chronicles 18 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 22, 2011 Permalink
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    2-Chronicles 16: The Book of “What Not To Do”. 

    2-Chronicles Part 16 of 36

    1 In the six and thirtieth year of the reign of Asa, Baasha king of Israel went up against Judah, and built Ramah, that he might not allow anyone to go out or come in to Asa king of Judah.

    War.

    2 Then Asa brought out silver and gold out of the treasures of the house of Yahweh and of the king’s house, and sent to Ben Hadad king of Syria, who lived at Damascus, saying,

    Bribery.

    3 “Let there be a treaty between me and you, as there was between my father and your father. Behold, I have sent you silver and gold. Go, break your treaty with Baasha king of Israel, that he may depart from me.”

    Treachery.

    4 Ben Hadad listened to king Asa, and sent the captains of his armies against the cities of Israel; and they struck Ijon, and Dan, and Abel Maim, and all the storage cities of Naphtali.

    Death.

    5 It happened, when Baasha heard of it, that he left off building Ramah, and let his work cease.

    6 Then Asa the king took all Judah; and they carried away the stones of Ramah, and its timber, with which Baasha had built; and he built therewith Geba and Mizpah.

    Theft.

    7 At that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah, and said to him, “Because you have relied on the king of Syria, and have not relied on Yahweh your God, therefore is the army of the king of Syria escaped out of your hand.

    Fairy Stories.

    8 Weren’t the Ethiopians and the Lubim a huge army, with chariots and horsemen exceeding many? Yet, because you relied on Yahweh, he delivered them into your hand.

    Brainwashing.

    9 For the eyes of Yahweh run back and forth throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. Herein you have done foolishly; for from henceforth you shall have wars.”

    Threats.

    10 Then Asa was angry with the seer, and put him in the prison; for he was in a rage with him because of this thing. Asa oppressed some of the people at the same time.

    Revenge.

    11 Behold, the acts of Asa, first and last, behold, they are written in the book of the kings of Judah and Israel.

    Who cares?

    12 In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was diseased in his feet; his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he didn’t seek Yahweh, but to the physicians.

    He must have had some brains then.

    13 Asa slept with his fathers, and died in the one and fortieth year of his reign.

    He died.

    14 They buried him in his own tombs, which he had dug out for himself in the city of David, and laid him in the bed which was filled with sweet odors and various kinds of spices prepared by the perfumers’ art: and they made a very great burning for him.

    Did you learn anything new?  I didn’t.  Same old silly crap of war and death over who believes in what god.  Sad really, that anyone thinks this has any meaning of value whatsoever.  Unless of course you use it as a book of “What Not To Do”.

    << 2-Chronicles 15      Index      2-Chronicles 17 >>

     

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