You just HAVE to love the Bible.
Cattle – Have as many as you can get and be ready to sell or sacrifice as Gods needs dictate.
Children – Keep the little ones away from atheists as they want to eat them. How can you sacrifice them after that? Silly atheists.
Clear thinking – If the bible is telling you what to think it is ok to think that, but let’s be clear, you shouldn’t be thinking other stuff, because it’s harmful to your chances of gaining entry into heaven. Stay clear.
Courage – Fighting for something even if you don’t believe in it is courageous, because it takes courage to just do as you are told and not think for yourself and do what you would normally think is right. That is why we have ‘clear thinking’ isn’t it?
Education – You already have it. It’s simple. Love God and do as he says.
Fairness – It doesn’t matter what’s fair. If the bible tells you to kill the whole village including the children and cattle, you do it. You get to live and he gets to die. That’s balance.
Family – Have more children even if it costs you your life because God needs more followers, but be prepared to sacrifice a couple in Gods honour.
Goats – See Wives.
Hate – Gods enemies are your enemies.
Honesty – Tell the truth when you go to confession, even if you lied earlier. It’s only really needed then anyway. If you are honest all the time you would have less to confess.
Love – Just so long as it’s God you love. If you are loving anybody else, you aren’t giving enough love to God.
Love of the truth – Hey, love it all you want, but only if it’s the truth the bible gives you. All other truths are lies.
Wives – As per cattle.
Work – Work as hard as you can so you can give it to God because you don’t need as much as he does because he needs Crystal Palaces and Mega Churches and Crosses and Statues and Fonts and Pews and Steeples and Altars and Apses and Rectories and Retreats and Basilicas and Wafers and Wine and Incense and Funny Dresses and Funny Hats and Funny Ball shaped thingies to burn the incense in and swing around while you sing and worship him and wear out the knees in the only pair of pants you own because you gave all your money to the church so that he may be praised in a better manner so that even more people can know his greatness which is all powerful and all knowing and merciful even if a few children are sacrificed and their mothers are left crying which is ok because the work and bearing of more children will take their minds off it while their husbands are out tilling the fields to grow more crops to make more money to give to God so that his followers can preach the evils of condoms that kill people when they stop them getting aids/hiv and then they can see the greatness of a God that has allowed them to die even though they were saved from the sin of using that condom against the wishes of men in funny hats that know the will of God and want everyone to love Him and only Him except when they want to love little boys that weren’t sacrificed to make his greatness even greater so that he could show his love to all men by killing those not of his chosen people that were not the only ones he created because if they were He’d have nobody to kill to show his chosen that they are his chosen and then they would be confused and not know they were the chosen because there were no ‘not chosen’ people around to slaughter in His name and be thrown into a pile and burnt while they danced and lauded praise upon God for being so loving that he saved the not chosen for the purpose of slaying so they could have a party and dance and sing as long as it was only for the purpose of praising him because dancing and singing for any other reason is a sin and you could be punished by his other followers and they would have to whip you and beat you and stone you till you died because you had done things he allowed you to do because he is so infinitely wise and loving and merciful that he knows you couldn’t be happy in this life without the free will to choose your own actions even if you knew that by doing so you would be killed by pious people that also had free will not to kill you but would still do so because you were a filthy sinner and it would be an insult to God to do otherwise even if they had done the same thing and had not been found out because they were sneakier than you were and that just proves that to love God you have to punish people even when you don’t agree that the crime was a just one but as long as it is God’s will it still needs to be punished and you are willing to mete out said punishment because Jesus died for your sins and so others have to die for theirs so that they are showing gratitude that God cut himself in half and made the other half into his own son that he sent down to earth to do things he knew would piss people off and cause them to torture and kill him and put him in a cave so that he could then miraculously come back to life and show that even Zombies are good and kind and need to be respected and have idols made of them so that really superstitious people made signs in the air with their hands and fingers that could protect them from the evils in the world that God created so that people had bad things to do so that other people could fight them in his name and make the world a better place so that even more people could worship him by going to church and confession and confessing that they murdered a child because they were disrespectful which was ok because it must have been God’s will that they kill them and confess so that their immortal soul could be saved and go to Heaven and sit with God for eternity because that is what any right thinking individual would do. So there.



