Genesis 14: Did anyone hear what God said?
1 At this time Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Kedorlaomer king of Elam and Tidal king of Goiim
Kings, kings, kings and kings. No wonder there were wars all over the place. Murder and mayhem seems to be the order of the day. What was God thinking? Or was he thinking? Seems more like he just had a fetish for the spilling of human blood.
2 went to war against Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar).
Yeah, such a great world this guy set up. Is this the way an intelligent, superior and compassionate person would act?
3 All these latter kings joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (the Salt Sea).
4 For twelve years they had been subject to Kedorlaomer, but in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
5 In the fourteenth year, Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him went out and defeated the Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathaim
6 and the Horites in the hill country of Seir, as far as El Paran near the desert.
7 Then they turned back and went to En Mishpat (that is, Kadesh), and they conquered the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who were living in Hazazon Tamar.
God must have been so proud.
8 Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) marched out and drew up their battle lines in the Valley of Siddim
Oh yeah, I bet they were best buddies.
9 against Kedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goiim, Amraphel king of Shinar and Arioch king of Ellasar—four kings against five.
As you would.
10 Now the Valley of Siddim was full of tar pits, and when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some of the men fell into them and the rest fled to the hills.
11 The four kings seized all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food; then they went away.
Yeah, they just left. Tralalalalala, off we go merrily into the hills.
12 They also carried off Abram’s nephew Lot and his possessions, since he was living in Sodom.
13 One who had escaped came and reported this to Abram the Hebrew. Now Abram was living near the great trees of Mamre the Amorite, a brother of Eshcol and Aner, all of whom were allied with Abram.
14 When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he called out the 318 trained men born in his household and went in pursuit as far as Dan.
Now I have to call you on this. 318? How would anyone know that number precisely so far removed from the time and place? I call shenanigans.
15 During the night Abram divided his men to attack them and he routed them, pursuing them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus.
16 He recovered all the goods and brought back his relative Lot and his possessions, together with the women and the other people.
Oh yeah, that’s right. Women are possessions as far as God is concerned. Misogynistic bastard. You can see I love him can’t you!
17 After Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King’s Valley).
18 Then Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine. He was priest of God Most High,
It’s a pity text doesn’t allow me to use funny voices here, because “yes, I am the priest of the God Most High and I wear a funny hat” would sound really cool. It really is a part for Mel Blanc.
19 and he blessed Abram, saying, “Blessed be Abram by God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth.
Creator of all places where we defecate and burn our rubbish. Blessed be my snot, for even it is of God.
20 And blessed be God Most High, who delivered your enemies into your hand.” Then Abram gave him a tenth of everything.
Tithing at it’s best.
21 The king of Sodom said to Abram, “Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself.”
We all know what the king of Sodom wanted. I bet he wore a funny hat too.
22 But Abram said to the king of Sodom, “I have raised my hand to the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath
He should have taken an affirmation. Much safer.
23 that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, ‘I made Abram rich.’
That’s what God wanted? How petty.
24 I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me—to Aner, Eshcol and Mamre. Let them have their share.”
This would have made a great musical/comedy with Mel Blanc and Boy George.