Genesis 34: Did anyone hear what God said?

Genesis: Part 34 of 50

Dinah and the Shechemites

1 Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land.

2 When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her.

Rape.

3 His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her.

Immediately after raping the girl?

4 And Shechem said to his father Hamor, “Get me this girl as my wife.”

Oh man, what can you say about this?  Utter tripe.  Rape her, speak to her tenderly and then order your father to buy her for you.

5 When Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock; so he kept quiet about it until they came home.

Like, who would keep quiet after their daughter was raped?  Especially when your brother is a local ruler, you’d be off to see him, not sitting on your backside like a useless wimp.

6 Then Shechem’s father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob.

Hey Jacob my lad, would you mind if my son, you know, the one that raped your daughter, marries her?

7 Now Jacob’s sons had come in from the fields as soon as they heard what had happened. They were filled with grief and fury, because Shechem had done a disgraceful thing in Israel by lying with Jacob’s daughter—a thing that should not be done.

This is the bit that should have applied to Jacob once he found out.

8 But Hamor said to them, “My son Shechem has his heart set on your daughter. Please give her to him as his wife.

It wasn’t his heart that was on Dinah, it was…   Nah, I’ll leave it there.

9 Intermarry with us; give us your daughters and take our daughters for yourselves.

Let’s trade women.  Nothing but the typical misogyny of the bible.

10 You can settle among us; the land is open to you. Live in it, trade in it, and acquire property in it.”

Jacob’s brother is also a freaking ruler, it’s not like he needs you to offer any damn thing.  Moron.

11 Then Shechem said to Dinah’s father and brothers, “Let me find favor in your eyes, and I will give you whatever you ask.

Hold on, the rotten mongrel who raped his daughter is standing right in front of him and he allows him to make bribes?

12 Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I’ll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the girl as my wife.”

Cool, ask for his life!!!

13 Because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob’s sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor.

As you do when you are a God fearing people.

14 They said to them, “We can’t do such a thing; we can’t give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us.

Aha, the dick choppers are back.

15 We will give our consent to you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males.

16 Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We’ll settle among you and become one people with you.

17 But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we’ll take our sister and go.”

Cue the mystery music…

18 Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem.

Yeah, you get the choices of death or having your dick chopped and of course you’d take the latter.  This is typical though.  It just goes to show how much the women at that time meant to them.  They’d trade them for a sick donkey if they thought they’d get one extra days work from the donkey.

19 The young man, who was the most honored of all his father’s household, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob’s daughter.

Only after he’d already taken her out for a spin and raped her.

20 So Hamor and his son Shechem went to the gate of their city to speak to their fellow townsmen.

21 “These men are friendly toward us,” they said. “Let them live in our land and trade in it; the land has plenty of room for them. We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours.

It wasn’t up to them.  Esau had already said they could live there.

22 But the men will consent to live with us as one people only on the condition that our males be circumcised, as they themselves are.

23 Won’t their livestock, their property and all their other animals become ours? So let us give our consent to them, and they will settle among us.”

24 All the men who went out of the city gate agreed with Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male in the city was circumcised.

Stir fry that night.

25 Three days later, while all of them were still in pain, two of Jacob’s sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male.

Ok, ok, ok, this is getting more like a Monty Python sketch now.  Only two of them and they killed all the males?  Get a grip.

26 They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword and took Dinah from Shechem’s house and left.

27 The sons of Jacob came upon the dead bodies and looted the city where their sister had been defiled.

28 They seized their flocks and herds and donkeys and everything else of theirs in the city and out in the fields.

29 They carried off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses.

Again, as you do when you love God.

30 Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have brought trouble on me by making me a stench to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed.”

Jacob priorities are sooooo messed up.  If he’d have treated his daughter properly in the first place this never would have happened.

31 But they replied, “Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?”

Why not?  You sell them off all the time without their consent.  Why is this case any different.

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