Exodus 34: The Flight from Egypt

Exodus: Part 34 of 40

The New Stone Tablets

1 The LORD said to Moses, “Chisel out two stone tablets like the first ones, and I will write on them the words that were on the first tablets, which you broke.

Why not just make another set?  If making Moses do it again is a punishment, then say so.

2 Be ready in the morning, and then come up on Mount Sinai. Present yourself to me there on top of the mountain.

3 No one is to come with you or be seen anywhere on the mountain; not even the flocks and herds may graze in front of the mountain.”

Then just make the flocks unable to go past whatever arbitrary boundary you wish to set.  Why make others do your work?

4 So Moses chiseled out two stone tablets like the first ones and went up Mount Sinai early in the morning, as the LORD had commanded him; and he carried the two stone tablets in his hands.

5 Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD.

God stands there with him, but doesn’t want him to see his face? Yeah, good luck with that.

6 And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,

There are no words I can think of that would describe the complete loss of words I felt when I read that.  Dumfounded doesn’t even come close. Gobsmacked doesn’t suffice either.  Ten thousand facepalms might come close.  Might.

7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.”

How can anyone say they forgive wickedness and punish the guilty in the same breath?  Then to admit they punish innocent children for imagined sins they didn’t commit.  Ten million gobsmacked, dumfounded facepalms!!!

8 Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped.

Anyone who would worship this sack of shit is no better than they are. This ‘god’ is a lying, murderous, bloodthirsty, genocidal, egomaniacal, narcissistic, sonofabitch, and he’s getting off easy with that description.

9 “O Lord, if I have found favor in your eyes,” he said, “then let the Lord go with us. Although this is a stiff-necked people, forgive our wickedness and our sin, and take us as your inheritance.”

10 Then the LORD said: “I am making a covenant with you. Before all your people I will do wonders never before done in any nation in all the world. The people you live among will see how awesome is the work that I, the LORD, will do for you.

Gonna pluck a rabbit out of a hat?

11 Obey what I command you today. I will drive out before you the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.

Why? What have they done to deserve this?

12 Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land where you are going, or they will be a snare among you.

Why can’t God make them good people and treat them better?

13 Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and cut down their Asherah poles.

14 Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

Jealousy is a sin!!!!

15 “Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices.

You admit there are other gods?  What happened to you being the only god?

16 And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same.

Lovely imagery there God.

17 “Do not make cast idols.

Make them out of wood.

18 “Celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread. For seven days eat bread made without yeast, as I commanded you. Do this at the appointed time in the month of Abib, for in that month you came out of Egypt.

Still no reason for not using yeast.

19 “The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock.

In what way? Are you going to eat them? Just kill them? Make them wear funny clothes and wave bits of meat around?

20 Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons. “No one is to appear before me empty-handed.

And if they do?

21 “Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest.

Yeah, leave your crops in the ground and let them rot while you rest. Don’t worry that your children might starve to death. Not a problem for God.

22 “Celebrate the Feast of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Feast of Ingathering at the turn of the year.

23 Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign LORD, the God of Israel.

24 I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the LORD your God.

25 “Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Feast remain until morning.

Why are you so worried about yeast?  Is it your Kryptonite?  Hmmmmm?

26 “Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God.
“Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk.”

Yeah, give God the best because he doesn’t think you deserve the fruits of your own labour.

27 Then the LORD said to Moses, “Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel.”

28 Moses was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments.

It took forty days and nights to do just ten lousy commandments?  I know he was using a chisel, but sheesh, talk about slow.  Not to mention most of them weren’t worth wasting your time on.

The Radiant Face of Moses

29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD.

Godburn.  He forgot his GPF99999999999999.

30 When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him.

31 But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them.

32 Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai.

Forty days and nights for God to articulate just 341 words? Maybe the language they used took more so let’s be nice and say 1000 words.  Still, forty days and nights?

33 When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face.

34 But whenever he entered the LORD’s presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded,

35 they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.

Veil fetish?

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