Numbers 26: More laws and crap
Numbers: Part 26 of 36
The Second Census
1 After the plague the LORD said to Moses and Eleazar son of Aaron, the priest,
Bwahahahahahahahaha, did you see that Bob? Huh? Did you see that? Wasn’t that sweet?
2 “Take a census of the whole Israelite community by families—all those twenty years old or more who are able to serve in the army of Israel.”
Still taking a longterm view of wiping the rest of humanity from the face of the earth? Onya God. Keep up the good work dude.
3 So on the plains of Moab by the Jordan across from Jericho, Moses and Eleazar the priest spoke with them and said,
Even if the words really mattered, the place it happened has about as much relevance as sunshine to a blind mole rat.
4 “Take a census of the men twenty years old or more, as the LORD commanded Moses.” These were the Israelites who came out of Egypt:
Numbers. Get it? Freaking ridiculous rubbish. If God really had the power he says he has, he’d just wipe away his peoples enemies and be done with it. Maybe Zeus took them away from him for being a naughty deity.
5 The descendants of Reuben, the firstborn son of Israel, were: through Hanok, the Hanokite clan; through Pallu, the Palluite clan;
6 through Hezron, the Hezronite clan; through Karmi, the Karmite clan.
7 These were the clans of Reuben; those numbered were 43,730.
8 The son of Pallu was Eliab,
9 and the sons of Eliab were Nemuel, Dathan and Abiram. The same Dathan and Abiram were the community officials who rebelled against Moses and Aaron and were among Korah’s followers when they rebelled against the LORD.
10 The earth opened its mouth and swallowed them along with Korah, whose followers died when the fire devoured the 250 men. And they served as a warning sign.
11 The line of Korah, however, did not die out.
12 The descendants of Simeon by their clans were: through Nemuel, the Nemuelite clan; through Jamin, the Jaminite clan; through Jakin, the Jakinite clan;
13 through Zerah, the Zerahite clan; through Shaul, the Shaulite clan.
14 These were the clans of Simeon; those numbered were 22,200.
15 The descendants of Gad by their clans were: through Zephon, the Zephonite clan; through Haggi, the Haggite clan; through Shuni, the Shunite clan;
16 through Ozni, the Oznite clan; through Eri, the Erite clan;
17 through Arodi, the Arodite clan; through Areli, the Arelite clan.
18 These were the clans of Gad; those numbered were 40,500.
19 Er and Onan were sons of Judah, but they died in Canaan.
20 The descendants of Judah by their clans were: through Shelah, the Shelanite clan; through Perez, the Perezite clan; through Zerah, the Zerahite clan.
21 The descendants of Perez were: through Hezron, the Hezronite clan; through Hamul, the Hamulite clan.
22 These were the clans of Judah; those numbered were 76,500.
23 The descendants of Issachar by their clans were: through Tola, the Tolaite clan; through Puah, the Puite clan;
24 through Jashub, the Jashubite clan; through Shimron, the Shimronite clan.
25 These were the clans of Issachar; those numbered were 64,300.
26 The descendants of Zebulun by their clans were: through Sered, the Seredite clan; through Elon, the Elonite clan; through Jahleel, the Jahleelite clan.
27 These were the clans of Zebulun; those numbered were 60,500.
28 The descendants of Joseph by their clans through Manasseh and Ephraim were:
29 The descendants of Manasseh: through Makir, the Makirite clan (Makir was the father of Gilead); through Gilead, the Gileadite clan.
30 These were the descendants of Gilead: through Iezer, the Iezerite clan; through Helek, the Helekite clan;
31 through Asriel, the Asrielite clan; through Shechem, the Shechemite clan;
32 through Shemida, the Shemidaite clan; through Hepher, the Hepherite clan.
33 (Zelophehad son of Hepher had no sons; he had only daughters, whose names were Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milkah and Tirzah.)
34 These were the clans of Manasseh; those numbered were 52,700.
35 These were the descendants of Ephraim by their clans: through Shuthelah, the Shuthelahite clan; through Beker, the Bekerite clan; through Tahan, the Tahanite clan.
36 These were the descendants of Shuthelah: through Eran, the Eranite clan.
37 These were the clans of Ephraim; those numbered were 32,500. These were the descendants of Joseph by their clans.
38 The descendants of Benjamin by their clans were: through Bela, the Belaite clan; through Ashbel, the Ashbelite clan; through Ahiram, the Ahiramite clan;
39 through Shupham, the Shuphamite clan; through Hupham, the Huphamite clan.
40 The descendants of Bela through Ard and Naaman were: through Ard, the Ardite clan; through Naaman, the Naamite clan.
41 These were the clans of Benjamin; those numbered were 45,600.
42 These were the descendants of Dan by their clans: through Shuham, the Shuhamite clan. These were the clans of Dan:
43 All of them were Shuhamite clans; and those numbered were 64,400.
44 The descendants of Asher by their clans were: through Imnah, the Imnite clan; through Ishvi, the Ishvite clan; through Beriah, the Beriite clan;
45 and through the descendants of Beriah: through Heber, the Heberite clan; through Malkiel, the Malkielite clan.
46 (Asher had a daughter named Serah.)
47 These were the clans of Asher; those numbered were 53,400.
48 The descendants of Naphtali by their clans were: through Jahzeel, the Jahzeelite clan; through Guni, the Gunite clan;
49 through Jezer, the Jezerite clan; through Shillem, the Shillemite clan.
50 These were the clans of Naphtali; those numbered were 45,400.
51 The total number of the men of Israel was 601,730.
52 The LORD said to Moses,
I have this sweet parcel of land I’d like to get off my hands. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
53 “The land is to be allotted to them as an inheritance based on the number of names.
54 To a larger group give a larger inheritance, and to a smaller group a smaller one; each is to receive its inheritance according to the number of those listed.
55 Be sure that the land is distributed by lot. What each group inherits will be according to the names for its ancestral tribe.
56 Each inheritance is to be distributed by lot among the larger and smaller groups.”
57 These were the Levites who were counted by their clans: through Gershon, the Gershonite clan; through Kohath, the Kohathite clan; through Merari, the Merarite clan.
58 These also were Levite clans: the Libnite clan, the Hebronite clan, the Mahlite clan, the Mushite clan, the Korahite clan. (Kohath was the forefather of Amram;
59 the name of Amram’s wife was Jochebed, a descendant of Levi, who was born to the Levites in Egypt. To Amram she bore Aaron, Moses and their sister Miriam.
60 Aaron was the father of Nadab and Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar.
61 But Nadab and Abihu died when they made an offering before the LORD with unauthorized fire.)
Oh yeah, bring that up again. Harp, harp, harp, all day long. Get over it.
62 All the male Levites a month old or more numbered 23,000. They were not counted along with the other Israelites because they received no inheritance among them.
63 These are the ones counted by Moses and Eleazar the priest when they counted the Israelites on the plains of Moab by the Jordan across from Jericho.
64 Not one of them was among those counted by Moses and Aaron the priest when they counted the Israelites in the Desert of Sinai.
65 For the LORD had told those Israelites they would surely die in the wilderness, and not one of them was left except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun.
So much for them all dying in the desert. Or do you have plans? Hmmmm?