2-Kings 11: It’s good to be King. Even at age 7.
2-Kings Part 11 of 25
1 Now when Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all the seed royal.
This genocidal rubbish is wearing a bit thin. Is this the only way they know how to solve problems?
2 But Jehosheba, the daughter of king Joram, sister of Ahaziah, took Joash the son of Ahaziah, and stole him away from among the king’s sons who were slain, even him and his nurse, and put them in the bedroom; and they hid him from Athaliah, so that he was not slain;
First, this proves the first line to be false as Athaliah did NOT destroy all the royal seed. Second, there’s always one that has to be saved just in the nick of time. The last one was Moses.
3 He was with her hidden in the house of Yahweh six years. Athaliah reigned over the land.
4 In the seventh year Jehoiada sent and fetched the captains over hundreds of the Carites and of the guard, and brought them to him into the house of Yahweh; and he made a covenant with them, and took an oath of them in the house of Yahweh, and showed them the king’s son.
5 He commanded them, saying, “This is the thing that you shall do: a third part of you, who come in on the Sabbath, shall be keepers of the watch of the king’s house;
6 A third part shall be at the gate Sur; and a third part at the gate behind the guard. So you shall keep the watch of the house, and be a barrier.
7 The two companies of you, even all who go out on the Sabbath, shall keep the watch of the house of Yahweh around the king.
8 You shall surround the king, every man with his weapons in his hand; and he who comes within the ranks, let him be slain. Be with the king when he goes out, and when he comes in.”
9 The captains over hundreds did according to all that Jehoiada the priest commanded; and they took every man his men, those who were to come in on the Sabbath, with those who were to go out on the Sabbath, and came to Jehoiada the priest.
All that just to say that the priest got the guards to protect the kid. Long winded bastards.
10 The priest delivered to the captains over hundreds the spears and shields that had been king David’s, which were in the house of Yahweh.
11 The guard stood, every man with his weapons in his hand, from the right side of the house to the left side of the house, along by the altar and the house, around the king.
12 Then he brought out the king’s son, and put the crown on him, and gave him the testimony; and they made him king, and anointed him; and they clapped their hands, and said, “Long live the king!”
13 When Athaliah heard the noise of the guard and of the people, she came to the people into the house of Yahweh:
14 and she looked, and behold, the king stood by the pillar, as the tradition was, and the captains and the trumpets by the king; and all the people of the land rejoiced, and blew trumpets. Then Athaliah tore her clothes, and cried, “Treason! Treason!”
15 Jehoiada the priest commanded the captains of hundreds who were set over the army, and said to them, “Bring her out between the ranks. Kill him who follows her with the sword.” For the priest said, “Don’t let her be slain in the house of Yahweh.”
Death. The one cure-all for everything biblical.
16 So they made way for her; and she went by the way of the horses’ entry to the king’s house. She was slain there.
17 Jehoiada made a covenant between Yahweh and the king and the people, that they should be Yahweh’s people; between the king also and the people.
18 All the people of the land went to the house of Baal, and broke it down; his altars and his images broke they in pieces thoroughly, and killed Mattan the priest of Baal before the altars. The priest appointed officers over the house of Yahweh.
Death before conversion huh?
19 He took the captains over hundreds, and the Carites, and the guard, and all the people of the land; and they brought down the king from the house of Yahweh, and came by the way of the gate of the guard to the king’s house. He sat on the throne of the kings.
20 So all the people of the land rejoiced, and the city was quiet. Athaliah they had slain with the sword at the king’s house.
21 Jehoash was seven years old when he began to reign.
I wonder what his first ten commands could have been.
- More toys.
- I’m the king. I can play when I want.
- I say when it’s bedtime.
- Pay attention to me or I’ll have a tantrum.
- I don’t have to count if I don’t want to.
- It’s mine and you can’t have it.
- No, I want that camel you boogerhead.
- You’re a stupid head and I don’t want to play with you.
- Ok, I’ll eat the sprouts, but I’m not touching the donkey testicles.
- Yahweh, Shmahweh! You’re not cutting my weiner.
Thanks go to my friends in The Big Friendly Atheist group on facebook for these. Thanks guys.