2-Chronicles 36: Thou shalt not pick boogers!!!
2-Chronicles Part 36 of 36
1 Then the people of the land took Jehoahaz the son of Josiah, and made him king in his father’s place in Jerusalem.
I bet he wouldn’t have been all that happy about it. Kings have a habit of dying before their time with God on their side.
2 Joahaz was twenty-three years old when he began to reign; and he reigned three months in Jerusalem.
Wow, that was a short one.
3 The king of Egypt deposed him at Jerusalem, and fined the land one hundred talents of silver and a talent of gold.
And the ‘land’ dipped into it’s Piggy Bank and paid up. Damned extortionists!
4 The king of Egypt made Eliakim his brother king over Judah and Jerusalem, and changed his name to Jehoiakim. Neco took Joahaz his brother, and carried him to Egypt.
I bet he was tired after that.
5 Jehoiakim was twenty-five years old when he began to reign; and he reigned eleven years in Jerusalem: and he did that which was evil in the sight of Yahweh his God.
Masturbation? IVF? Stem Cell research? Attend a gay pride rally?
6 Against him came up Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, and bound him in fetters, to carry him to Babylon.
They like carrying people around. It’s good exercise.
7 Nebuchadnezzar also carried off the vessels of the house of Yahweh to Babylon, and put them in his temple at Babylon.
He must have had big hands.
8 Now the rest of the acts of Jehoiakim, and his abominations which he did, and that which was found in him, behold, they are written in the book of the kings of Israel and Judah: and Jehoiachin his son reigned in his place.
Is this book of the kings some kind of dossier or rap sheet containing all their criminal acts? It sounds like it.
9 Jehoiachin was eight years old when he began to reign; and he reigned three months and ten days in Jerusalem: and he did that which was evil in the sight of Yahweh.
He did evil at eight years old? Picked boogers out of his nose? Missed the toilet?
10 At the return of the year king Nebuchadnezzar sent, and brought him to Babylon, with the goodly vessels of the house of Yahweh, and made Zedekiah his brother king over Judah and Jerusalem.
Is Zedekiah, Nebuchadnezzar’s brother or Jehoiachin’s brother? It doesn’t specify.
11 Zedekiah was twenty-one years old when he began to reign; and he reigned eleven years in Jerusalem:
12 and he did that which was evil in the sight of Yahweh his God; he didn’t humble himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of Yahweh.
God can’t look after an eight year old for more than three months, but allows a twenty one year old to carry on being ‘evil’ for eleven years? That doesn’t sound like he has much power over anything.
13 He also rebelled against king Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him swear by God: but he stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart against turning to Yahweh, the God of Israel.
God couldn’t overcome human stubbornness?
14 Moreover all the chiefs of the priests, and the people, trespassed very greatly after all the abominations of the nations; and they polluted the house of Yahweh which he had made holy in Jerusalem.
How did they do that? Spit? Fart? Pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
15 Yahweh, the God of their fathers, sent to them by his messengers, rising up early and sending, because he had compassion on his people, and on his dwelling place:
God rose up early? He has a bedtime? Does he wear a nightcap?
He Rose Early!
16 but they mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and scoffed at his prophets, until the wrath of Yahweh arose against his people, until there was no remedy.
This is a tired old refrain.
17 Therefore he brought on them the king of the Chaldeans, who killed their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion on young man or virgin, old man or gray-headed: he gave them all into his hand.
So no man, young or old was spared. That would mean there were no men left in Israel.
18 All the vessels of God’s house, great and small, and the treasures of the house of Yahweh, and the treasures of the king, and of his princes, all these he brought to Babylon.
Why did God want all this paraphernalia in the first place if he couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of it? He’s allowed it to be looted so many times.
19 They burnt God’s house, and broke down the wall of Jerusalem, and burnt all its palaces with fire, and destroyed all the goodly vessels of it.
And the women?
20 He carried those who had escaped from the sword away to Babylon; and they were servants to him and his sons until the reign of the kingdom of Persia:
Then who was left to look after the women?
21 to fulfill the word of Yahweh by the mouth of Jeremiah, until the land had enjoyed its Sabbaths. As long as it lay desolate it kept Sabbath, to fulfill seventy years.
No men for seventy years. Even the youngest female would be past childbearing age by that time. So no more Israel?
22 Now in the first year of Cyrus king of Persia, that the word of Yahweh by the mouth of Jeremiah might be accomplished, Yahweh stirred up the spirit of Cyrus king of Persia, so that he made a proclamation throughout all his kingdom, and put it also in writing, saying,
23 ”Thus says Cyrus king of Persia, ‘Yahweh, the God of heaven, has given all the kingdoms of the earth to me; and he has commanded me to build him a house in Jerusalem, which is in Judah. Whoever there is among you of all his people, Yahweh his God be with him, and let him go up.’”
Putting your heads on the chopping block is what it would be. Wake up guys! He’s a dick!