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  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 7, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles: The Post Mortem 

    1-Chronicles: What was it all about?

    Well, that’s the easiest one yet. Quite simply it was nothing other than a rehash of a small part of Kings so that a couple of the more famous Kings could be lauded with praise yet again. There was absolutely no need for this book to be included in the bible in the first place.

    I am becoming more and more disappointed with the bible with every piece that I read lately. There is nothing in it to give it the title of a ‘good book’. I am not seeing moral actions. If the people themselves are living moral lives we are not hearing about it. Even if they were, it is within a nation that is anything but moral. The wars being waged non-stop just to gain profit are not moral.

    All I see so far is that some moron made up a story about a god that he talked others into believing. It has been carried on, built up, and used to excuse the most horrific of crimes ever since. So many people have been sucked in by a fairy story that now it has a life of it’s own. It’s a sad indictment of our modern society that so many can still believe in such things.

    << 1-Chronicles 29       Index      2-Chronicles 1 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 6, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles 29: No, no, no! I give it to you and then you give it to me! 

    1-Chronicles Part 29 of 29

    1 David the king said to all the assembly, “Solomon my son, whom alone God has chosen, is yet young and tender, and the work is great; for the palace is not for man, but for Yahweh God.

    2 Now I have prepared with all my might for the house of my God the gold for the things of gold, and the silver for the things of silver, and the brass for the things of brass, the iron for the things of iron, and wood for the things of wood; onyx stones, and stones to be set, stones for inlaid work, and of various colors, and all kinds of precious stones, and marble stones in abundance.

    It was God who wanted the gold, silver, precious stones etc.  What need has a deity of such things?

    3 In addition, because I have set my affection on the house of my God, since I have a treasure of my own of gold and silver, I give it to the house of my God, over and above all that I have prepared for the holy house,

    As it still belongs to you while you are alive, what difference does it make except to make you look good?

    4 even three thousand talents of gold, of the gold of Ophir, and seven thousand talents of refined silver, with which to overlay the walls of the houses;

    5 of gold for the things of gold, and of silver for the things of silver, and for all kinds of work to be made by the hands of artisans. Who then offers willingly to consecrate himself this day to Yahweh?”

    6 Then the princes of the fathers’ households, and the princes of the tribes of Israel, and the captains of thousands and of hundreds, with the rulers over the king’s work, offered willingly;

    7 and they gave for the service of God’s house of gold five thousand talents and ten thousand darics, and of silver ten thousand talents, and of brass eighteen thousand talents, and of iron a hundred thousand talents.

    8 They with whom precious stones were found gave them to the treasure of the house of Yahweh, under the hand of Jehiel the Gershonite.

    9 Then the people rejoiced, because they offered willingly, because with a perfect heart they offered willingly to Yahweh: and David the king also rejoiced with great joy.

    Quite a lot of treasure gathered in one place.  I wonder where it has gone?  I have heard no mention of it’s disappearance yet. One would think that a jealous god would have had a rather large hissy fit having all that treasure disappear.  We’ll see.

    10 Therefore David blessed Yahweh before all the assembly; and David said, “You are blessed, Yahweh, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever.

    Hahahahahahahahaha!!!  A mortal blessing a deity.  That must have made God giggle.

    11 Yours, Yahweh, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty! For all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, Yahweh, and you are exalted as head above all.

    If ‘everything’ is God’s, then what good does it do to pretend to give it to him?

    12 Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all; and in your hand is power and might; and it is in your hand to make great, and to give strength to all.

    Yet all he seems capable of doing is creating warmongering nations for his own amusement.

    13 Now therefore, our God, we thank you, and praise your glorious name.

    14 But who am I, and what is my people, that we should be able to offer so willingly as this? For all things come from you, and of your own have we given you.

    Exactly you moron!

    15 For we are strangers before you, and foreigners, as all our fathers were. Our days on the earth are as a shadow, and there is no remaining.

    No, not strangers.  You are his children and he is all knowing.  He knows you very well.

    16 Yahweh our God, all this store that we have prepared to build you a house for your holy name comes from your hand, and is all your own.

    17 I know also, my God, that you try the heart, and have pleasure in uprightness. As for me, in the uprightness of my heart I have willingly offered all these things. Now have I seen with joy your people, that are present here, offer willingly to you.

    18 Yahweh, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Israel, our fathers, keep this forever in the imagination of the thoughts of the heart of your people, and prepare their heart for you;

    19 and give to Solomon my son a perfect heart, to keep your commandments, your testimonies, and your statutes, and to do all these things, and to build the palace, for which I have made provision.”

    So why didn’t God create them all perfect to begin with instead of going through this bullshit?

    20 David said to all the assembly, “Now bless Yahweh your God!”

    All the assembly blessed Yahweh, the God of their fathers, and bowed down their heads and prostrated themselves before Yahweh and the king.

    21 They sacrificed sacrifices to Yahweh, and offered burnt offerings to Yahweh, on the next day after that day, even one thousand bulls, one thousand rams, and one thousand lambs, with their drink offerings, and sacrifices in abundance for all Israel,

    Nice amount of life lost there to aggrandise a figment of your imaginations.  Very humane.  NOT!!!

    22 and ate and drink before Yahweh on that day with great gladness. They made Solomon the son of David king the second time, and anointed him to Yahweh to be prince, and Zadok to be priest.

    23 Then Solomon sat on the throne of Yahweh as king instead of David his father, and prospered; and all Israel obeyed him.

    24 All the princes, the mighty men, and also all of the sons of king David submitted themselves to Solomon the king.

    25 Yahweh magnified Solomon exceedingly in the sight of all Israel, and bestowed on him such royal majesty as had not been on any king before him in Israel.

    26 Now David the son of Jesse reigned over all Israel.

    No! Solomon is the king now.  Geez, get your story straight!

    27 The time that he reigned over Israel was forty years; he reigned seven years in Hebron, and he reigned thirty-three years in Jerusalem.

    28 He died in a good old age, full of days, riches, and honor: and Solomon his son reigned in his place.

    29 Now the acts of David the king, first and last, behold, they are written in the history of Samuel the seer, and in the history of Nathan the prophet, and in the history of Gad the seer,

    30 with all his reign and his might, and the times that went over him, and over Israel, and over all the kingdoms of the countries.

    What a crock!

    << 1-Chronicles 28       Index      The Post Mortem >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 5, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles 28: Times up. I don’t need you now. Get the hell out!!! 

    1-Chronicles Part 28 of 29

    1 David assembled all the princes of Israel, the princes of the tribes, and the captains of the companies who served the king by division, and the captains of thousands, and the captains of hundreds, and the rulers over all the substance and possessions of the king and of his sons, with the officers, and the mighty men, even all the mighty men of valor, to Jerusalem.

    2 Then David the king stood up on his feet, and said, “Hear me, my brothers, and my people! As for me, it was in my heart to build a house of rest for the ark of the covenant of Yahweh, and for the footstool of our God; and I had prepared for the building.

    3 But God said to me, ‘You shall not build a house for my name, because you are a man of war, and have shed blood.’

    You are what God made you.

    4 However Yahweh, the God of Israel, chose me out of all the house of my father to be king over Israel forever. For he has chosen Judah to be prince; and in the house of Judah, the house of my father; and among the sons of my father he took pleasure in me to make me king over all Israel.

    5 Of all my sons (for Yahweh has given me many sons), he has chosen Solomon my son to sit on the throne of Yahweh’s kingdom over Israel.

    6 He said to me, ‘Solomon, your son, shall build my house and my courts; for I have chosen him to be my son, and I will be his father.

    7 I will establish his kingdom forever, if he continues to do my commandments and my ordinances, as at this day.’

    8 Now therefore, in the sight of all Israel, the assembly of Yahweh, and in the audience of our God, observe and seek out all the commandments of Yahweh your God; that you may possess this good land, and leave it for an inheritance to your children after you forever.

    Wouldn’t it have been lovely if it could have been given as an inheritance to the children of the people you stole it from in the first place?  They had possession of it and had worked it till it was worth something.  They put their blood sweat and tears into making it what it was until you came along and stole it from them.

    9 You, Solomon my son, know the God of your father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind; for Yahweh searches all hearts, and understands all the imaginations of the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever.

    Then how come he never seems to know what it happening from one minute to the next?  Why does he have to wait until something goes wrong before he says something and steps in?  Why do people have to die when he could do something about it prior to the event?

    10 Take heed now; for Yahweh has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary. Be strong, and do it.”

    11 Then David gave to Solomon his son the pattern of the porch of the temple, and of its houses, and of its treasuries, and of the upper rooms of it, and of the inner rooms of it, and of the place of the mercy seat;

    12 and the pattern of all that he had by the Spirit, for the courts of the house of Yahweh, and for all the surrounding rooms, for the treasuries of God’s house, and for the treasuries of the dedicated things;

    13 also for the divisions of the priests and the Levites, and for all the work of the service of the house of Yahweh, and for all the vessels of service in the house of Yahweh;

    14 of gold by weight for the gold, for all vessels of every kind of service; for all the vessels of silver by weight, for all vessels of every kind of service;

    15 by weight also for the lampstands of gold, and for its lamps, of gold, by weight for every lampstand and for its lamps; and for the lampstands of silver, by weight for every lampstand and for its lamps, according to the use of every lampstand;

    16 and the gold by weight for the tables of show bread, for every table; and silver for the tables of silver;

    17 and the forks, and the basins, and the cups, of pure gold; and for the golden bowls by weight for every bowl; and for the silver bowls by weight for every bowl;

    18 and for the altar of incense refined gold by weight; and gold for the pattern of the chariot, the cherubim, that spread out, and covered the ark of the covenant of Yahweh.

    19 “All this,” said David, “I have been made to understand in writing from the hand of Yahweh, even all the works of this pattern.”

    20 David said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do it. Don’t be afraid, nor be dismayed; for Yahweh God, even my God, is with you. He will not fail you, nor forsake you, until all the work for the service of the house of Yahweh is finished.

    So he will forsake them after the work is finished?  Is that all he is after?

    21 Behold, there are the divisions of the priests and the Levites, for all the service of God’s house. There shall be with you in all kinds of work every willing man who has skill, for any kind of service. Also the captains and all the people will be entirely at your command.”

    Until you have outlived your usefulness. It seems to be his way.  Never satisfied, never happy.

    << 1-Chronicles 27       Index      1-Chronicles 29 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 4, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles 27: Freaking Bureaucrats!!! 

    1-Chronicles Part 27 of 29

    1 Now the children of Israel after their number, the heads of fathers’ households and the captains of thousands and of hundreds, and their officers who served the king, in any matter of the divisions which came in and went out month by month throughout all the months of the year—of every division were twenty-four thousand.

    What? Twelve armies?  One for each month?  I must be reading this wrong.

    2 Over the first division for the first month was Jashobeam the son of Zabdiel: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    3 He was of the children of Perez, the chief of all the captains of the army for the first month.

    It seems not.

    4 Over the division of the second month was Dodai the Ahohite, and his division; and Mikloth the ruler: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    5 The third captain of the army for the third month was Benaiah, the son of Jehoiada the priest, chief: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    6 This is that Benaiah, who was the mighty man of the thirty, and over the thirty: and of his division was Ammizabad his son.

    7 The fourth captain for the fourth month was Asahel the brother of Joab, and Zebadiah his son after him: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    8 The fifth captain for this fifth month was Shamhuth the Izrahite: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    9 The sixth captain for the sixth month was Ira the son of Ikkesh the Tekoite: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    10 The seventh captain for the seventh month was Helez the Pelonite, of the children of Ephraim: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    11 The eighth captain for the eighth month was Sibbecai the Hushathite, of the Zerahites: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    12 The ninth captain for the ninth month was Abiezer the Anathothite, of the Benjamites: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    13 The tenth captain for the tenth month was Maharai the Netophathite, of the Zerahites: and in his division were Twenty-four thousand.

    14 The eleventh captain for the eleventh month was Benaiah the Pirathonite, of the children of Ephraim: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    15 The twelfth captain for the twelfth month was Heldai the Netophathite, of Othniel: and in his division were twenty-four thousand.

    Well, there you go.  Twelve armies of Twenty Four Thousand each.  So each army sat around doing nothing for eleven months of the year?

    16 Furthermore over the tribes of Israel: of the Reubenites was Eliezer the son of Zichri the ruler: of the Simeonites, Shephatiah the son of Maacah:

    17 of Levi, Hashabiah the son of Kemuel: of Aaron, Zadok:

    18 of Judah, Elihu, one of the brothers of David: of Issachar, Omri the son of Michael:

    19 of Zebulun, Ishmaiah the son of Obadiah: of Naphtali, Jeremoth the son of Azriel:

    20 of the children of Ephraim, Hoshea the son of Azaziah: of the half-tribe of Manasseh, Joel the son of Pedaiah:

    21 of the half-tribe of Manasseh in Gilead, Iddo the son of Zechariah: of Benjamin, Jaasiel the son of Abner:

    22 of Dan, Azarel the son of Jeroham. These were the captains of the tribes of Israel.

    23 But David didn’t take the number of them from twenty years old and under, because Yahweh had said he would increase Israel like the stars of the sky.

    Well seemingly Yahweh hadn’t counted the stars in the sky very well.  There are billions of them and Israel has never been that numerous.

    24 Joab the son of Zeruiah began to number, but didn’t finish; and there came wrath for this on Israel; neither was the number put into the account in the chronicles of king David.

    25 Over the king’s treasures was Azmaveth the son of Adiel: and over the treasures in the fields, in the cities, and in the villages, and in the towers, was Jonathan the son of Uzziah:

    26 Over those who did the work of the field for tillage of the ground was Ezri the son of Chelub:

    27 and over the vineyards was Shimei the Ramathite: and over the increase of the vineyards for the wine cellars was Zabdi the Shiphmite:

    28 and over the olive trees and the sycamore trees that were in the lowland was Baal Hanan the Gederite: and over the cellars of oil was Joash:

    29 and over the herds that fed in Sharon was Shitrai the Sharonite: and over the herds that were in the valleys was Shaphat the son of Adlai:

    30 and over the camels was Obil the Ishmaelite: and over the donkeys was Jehdeiah the Meronothite: and over the flocks was Jaziz the Hagrite.

    Who was over the latrines?  Who was over education?  Who was over health?

    31 All these were the rulers of the substance which was king David’s.

    32 Also Jonathan, David’s uncle, was a counselor, a man of understanding, and a scribe: and Jehiel the son of Hachmoni was with the king’s sons:

    33 Ahithophel was the king’s counselor: and Hushai the Archite was the king’s friend:

    34 and after Ahithophel was Jehoiada the son of Benaiah, and Abiathar: and the captain of the king’s army was Joab.

    Freaking bureaucrats!

    << 1-Chronicles 26       Index      1-Chronicles 28 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 3, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles 26: Jobs for the boys! 

    1-Chronicles Part 26 of 29

    Do you have your counting fingers ready?  :)

    1 For the divisions of the doorkeepers: of the Korahites, Meshelemiah the son of Kore, of the sons of Asaph.

    2 Meshelemiah had sons: Zechariah the firstborn, Jediael the second, Zebadiah the third, Jathniel the fourth,

    3 Elam the fifth, Jehohanan the sixth, Eliehoenai the seventh.

    4 Obed-Edom had sons: Shemaiah the firstborn, Jehozabad the second, Joah the third, and Sacar the fourth, and Nethanel the fifth,

    5 Ammiel the sixth, Issachar the seventh, Peullethai the eighth; for God blessed him.

    6 Also to Shemaiah his son were sons born, who ruled over the house of their father; for they were mighty men of valor.

    7 The sons of Shemaiah: Othni, and Rephael, and Obed, Elzabad, whose brothers were valiant men, Elihu, and Semachiah.

    8 All these were of the sons of Obed-Edom: they and their sons and their brothers, able men in strength for the service; sixty-two of Obed-Edom.

    9 Meshelemiah had sons and brothers, valiant men, eighteen.

    10 Also Hosah, of the children of Merari, had sons: Shimri the chief, (for though he was not the firstborn, yet his father made him chief),

    11 Hilkiah the second, Tebaliah the third, Zechariah the fourth: all the sons and brothers of Hosah were thirteen.

    12 Of these were the divisions of the doorkeepers, even of the chief men, having offices like their brothers, to minister in the house of Yahweh.

    13 They cast lots, the small as well as the great, according to their fathers’ houses, for every gate.

    There must have been a fecking lot of gates.

    14 The lot eastward fell to Shelemiah. Then for Zechariah his son, a wise counselor, they cast lots; and his lot came out northward.

    15 To Obed-Edom southward; and to his sons the storehouse.

    16 To Shuppim and Hosah westward, by the gate of Shallecheth, at the causeway that goes up, watch against watch.

    17 Eastward were six Levites, northward four a day, southward four a day, and for the storehouse two and two.

    18 For Parbar westward, four at the causeway, and two at Parbar.

    19 These were the divisions of the doorkeepers; of the sons of the Korahites, and of the sons of Merari.

    20 Of the Levites, Ahijah was over the treasures of God’s house, and over the treasures of the dedicated things.

    21 The sons of Ladan, the sons of the Gershonites belonging to Ladan, the heads of the fathers’ households belonging to Ladan the Gershonite: Jehieli.

    22 The sons of Jehieli: Zetham, and Joel his brother, over the treasures of the house of Yahweh.

    It sounds more like a lot of guys standing around doing bugger all and getting paid for it.

    23 Of the Amramites, of the Izharites, of the Hebronites, of the Uzzielites:

    24 and Shebuel the son of Gershom, the son of Moses, was ruler over the treasures.

    25 His brothers: of Eliezer, Rehabiah his son, and Jeshaiah his son, and Joram his son, and Zichri his son, and Shelomoth his son.

    26 This Shelomoth and his brothers were over all the treasures of the dedicated things, which David the king, and the heads of the fathers’ households, the captains over thousands and hundreds, and the captains of the army, had dedicated.

    27 They dedicated some of the spoil won in battles to repair the house of Yahweh.

    28 All that Samuel the seer, and Saul the son of Kish, and Abner the son of Ner, and Joab the son of Zeruiah, had dedicated, whoever had dedicated anything, it was under the hand of Shelomoth, and of his brothers.

    29 Of the Izharites, Chenaniah and his sons were for the outward business over Israel, for officers and judges.

    30 Of the Hebronites, Hashabiah and his brothers, men of valor, one thousand seven hundred, had the oversight of Israel beyond the Jordan westward, for all the business of Yahweh, and for the service of the king.

    31 Of the Hebronites was Jerijah the chief, even of the Hebronites, according to their generations by fathers’ households. In the fortieth year of the reign of David they were sought for, and there were found among them mighty men of valor at Jazer of Gilead.

    32 His brothers, men of valor, were two thousand seven hundred, heads of fathers’ households, whom king David made overseers over the Reubenites, and the Gadites, and the half-tribe of the Manassites, for every matter pertaining to God, and for the affairs of the king.

    Two thousand seven hundred men to oversee the people? They must be a rowdy lot.

    << 1-Chronicles 25       Index      1-Chronicles 27 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 2, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles 25: On the twelfth day of dumbness… 

    1-Chronicles Part 25 of 29

    1 Moreover, David and the captains of the army set apart for the service certain of the sons of Asaph, and of Heman, and of Jeduthun, who should prophesy with harps, with stringed instruments, and with cymbals: and the number of those who did the work according to their service was:

    Prophesy with harps, stringed instruments (I thought a harp was a stringed instrument) and cymbals?  How does playing instruments equate to prophesying?

    2 of the sons of Asaph: Zaccur, and Joseph, and Nethaniah, and Asharelah, the sons of Asaph, under the hand of Asaph, who prophesied after the order of the king.

    Prophesy to order?  Dubious at best!

    3 Of Jeduthun; the sons of Jeduthun: Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six, under the hands of their father Jeduthun with the harp, who prophesied in giving thanks and praising Yahweh.

    Prophesied in giving thanks?  What the hell type of prophesying is this?  My understanding of the word is ‘to predict with assurance or on the basis of mystic knowledge’.  What has that to do with giving thanks?

    4 Of Heman; the sons of Heman: Bukkiah, Mattaniah, Uzziel, Shebuel, and Jerimoth, Hananiah, Hanani, Eliathah, Giddalti, and Romamti-Ezer, Joshbekashah, Mallothi, Hothir, Mahazioth.

    5 All these were the sons of Heman the king’s seer in the words of God, to lift up the horn. God gave to Heman fourteen sons and three daughters.

    Someone else’s sons and daughters or did God diddle Heman’s wife too?

    6 All these were under the hands of their father for song in the house of Yahweh, with cymbals, stringed instruments, and harps, for the service of God’s house; Asaph, Jeduthun, and Heman being under the order of the king.

    7 The number of them, with their brothers who were instructed in singing to Yahweh, even all who were skillful, was two hundred eighty-eight.

    That’s some choir!

    8 They cast lots for their offices, all alike, as well the small as the great, the teacher as the scholar.

    Still not a good way of filling a position.

    Now, please be aware that you are about to start laughing.  Especially if you think the number twelve is funny.  Lameness has abounded throughout this idiot book, but now they are stretching things a bit too far.  Would you really believe this?

     

    9 Now the first lot came forth for Asaph to Joseph: the second to Gedaliah; he and his brothers and sons were twelve:

    10 the third to Zaccur, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    11 the fourth to Izri, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    12 the fifth to Nethaniah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    13 the sixth to Bukkiah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    14 the seventh to Jesharelah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    15 the eighth to Jeshaiah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    16 the ninth to Mattaniah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    17 the tenth to Shimei, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    18 the eleventh to Azarel, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    19 the twelfth to Hashabiah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    20 for the thirteenth, Shubael, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    21 for the fourteenth, Mattithiah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    22 for the fifteenth to Jeremoth, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    23 for the sixteenth to Hananiah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    24 for the seventeenth to Joshbekashah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    25 for the eighteenth to Hanani, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    26 for the nineteenth to Mallothi, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    27 for the twentieth to Eliathah, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    28 for the one and twentieth to Hothir, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    29 for the two and twentieth to Giddalti, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    30 for the three and twentieth to Mahazioth, his sons and his brothers, twelve:

    31 for the four and twentieth to Romamti-Ezer, his sons and his brothers, twelve.

    All of them?  Twelve?  Grrrrooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

    << 1-Chronicles 24       Index      1-Chronicles 26 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 1, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Chronicles 24: Who’s your Daddy? 

    1-Chronicles Part 24 of 29

    1 These were the divisions of the sons of Aaron. The sons of Aaron: Nadab and Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar.

    It means nothing, so who cares?  Not me!

    2 But Nadab and Abihu died before their father, and had no children: therefore Eleazar and Ithamar executed the priest’s office.

    They should have executed the priest.  It was what they did very well back then.

    3 David with Zadok of the sons of Eleazar, and Ahimelech of the sons of Ithamar, divided them according to their ordering in their service.

    4 There were more chief men found of the sons of Eleazar than of the sons of Ithamar; and they were divided like this: of the sons of Eleazar there were sixteen, heads of fathers’ houses; and of the sons of Ithamar, according to their fathers’ houses, eight.

    It would have been simpler to just divide the sons.  A couple of horses would have done the job just fine.  It would have given the animals a bit of payback for all the injustices done to them by humans.

    5 Thus were they divided impartially by drawing lots; for there were princes of the sanctuary, and princes of God, both of the sons of Eleazar, and of the sons of Ithamar.

    6 Shemaiah the son of Nethanel the scribe, who was of the Levites, wrote them in the presence of the king, and the princes, and Zadok the priest, and Ahimelech the son of Abiathar, and the heads of the fathers’ households of the priests and of the Levites; one fathers’ house being taken for Eleazar, and one taken for Ithamar.

    Beware! Counting begins here…

    7 Now the first lot came forth to Jehoiarib, the second to Jedaiah,

    8 the third to Harim, the fourth to Seorim,

    9 the fifth to Malchijah, the sixth to Mijamin,

    10 the seventh to Hakkoz, the eighth to Abijah,

    11 the ninth to Jeshua, the tenth to Shecaniah,

    12 the eleventh to Eliashib, the twelfth to Jakim,

    13 the thirteenth to Huppah, the fourteenth to Jeshebeab,

    14 the fifteenth to Bilgah, the sixteenth to Immer,

    15 the seventeenth to Hezir, the eighteenth to Happizzez,

    16 the nineteenth to Pethahiah, the twentieth to Jehezkel,

    17 the twenty-first to Jachin, the twenty-second to Gamul,

    18 the twenty-third to Delaiah, the twenty-fourth to Maaziah.

    and a partridge in a pear tree…

    19 This was their ordering in their service, to come into the house of Yahweh according to the ordinance given to them by Aaron their father, as Yahweh, the God of Israel, had commanded him.

    20 Of the rest of the sons of Levi: of the sons of Amram, Shubael; of the sons of Shubael, Jehdeiah.

    21 Of Rehabiah: of the sons of Rehabiah, Isshiah the chief.

    22 Of the Izharites, Shelomoth; of the sons of Shelomoth, Jahath.

    23 The sons of Hebron: Jeriah, Amariah the second, Jahaziel the third, Jekameam the fourth.

    24 The sons of Uzziel, Micah; of the sons of Micah, Shamir.

    25 The brother of Micah, Isshiah; of the sons of Isshiah, Zechariah.

    26 The sons of Merari: Mahli and Mushi; the sons of Jaaziah: Beno.

    27 The sons of Merari: of Jaaziah, Beno, and Shoham, and Zaccur, and Ibri.

    28 Of Mahli: Eleazar, who had no sons.

    29 Of Kish; the sons of Kish: Jerahmeel.

    30 The sons of Mushi: Mahli, and Eder, and Jerimoth. These were the sons of the Levites after their fathers’ houses.

    31 These likewise cast lots even as their brothers the sons of Aaron in the presence of David the king, and Zadok, and Ahimelech, and the heads of the fathers’ households of the priests and of the Levites; the fathers’ households of the chief even as those of his younger brother.

    << 1-Chronicles 23       Index      1-Chronicles 25 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on June 30, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Chronicles, , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Chronicles 23: Pink Tutus anyone? 

    1-Chronicles Part 23 of 29

    1 Now David was old and full of days; and he made Solomon his son king over Israel.

    2 He gathered together all the princes of Israel, with the priests and the Levites.

    Then they all put on pink tutus and danced a jig for Yahweh!   No?  Bugger!  :)

    3 The Levites were numbered from thirty years old and upward: and their number by their polls, man by man, was thirty-eight thousand.

    4 David said, “Of these, twenty-four thousand were to oversee the work of the house of Yahweh; six thousand were officers and judges;

    We’re talking a small house here people, so I have to ask why we need twenty four thousand overseers!

    5 four thousand were doorkeepers; and four thousand praised Yahweh with the instruments which I made, for giving praise.”

    There weren’t that many doors either.

    6 David divided them into divisions according to the sons of Levi: Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.

    7 Of the Gershonites: Ladan and Shimei.

    8 The sons of Ladan: Jehiel the chief, and Zetham, and Joel, three.

    9 The sons of Shimei: Shelomoth, and Haziel, and Haran, three. These were the heads of the fathers’ households of Ladan.

    10 The sons of Shimei: Jahath, Zina, and Jeush, and Beriah. These four were the sons of Shimei.

    11 Jahath was the chief, and Zizah the second: but Jeush and Beriah didn’t have many sons; therefore they became a fathers’ house in one reckoning.

    12 The sons of Kohath: Amram, Izhar, Hebron, and Uzziel, four.

    13 The sons of Amram: Aaron and Moses; and Aaron was separated, that he should sanctify the most holy things, he and his sons, forever, to burn incense before Yahweh, to minister to him, and to bless in his name, forever.

    14 But as for Moses the man of God, his sons were named among the tribe of Levi.

    What the hell does any of this mean?  All that is happening is that people are being born into jobs they may not want or be capable of doing.  It’s a ridiculous way of doing things.

    15 The sons of Moses: Gershom and Eliezer.

    16 The sons of Gershom: Shebuel the chief.

    17 The sons of Eliezer were: Rehabiah the chief; and Eliezer had no other sons; but the sons of Rehabiah were very many.

    18 The sons of Izhar: Shelomith the chief.

    19 The sons of Hebron: Jeriah the chief, Amariah the second, Jahaziel the third, and Jekameam the fourth.

    20 The sons of Uzziel: Micah the chief, and Isshiah the second.

    21 The sons of Merari: Mahli and Mushi. The sons of Mahli: Eleazar and Kish.

    22 Eleazar died, and had no sons, but daughters only: and their brothers the sons of Kish took them as wives.

    ‘Took them’ sounds about right.

    23 The sons of Mushi: Mahli, and Eder, and Jeremoth, three.

    24 These were the sons of Levi after their fathers’ houses, even the heads of the fathers’ houses of those who were counted individually, in the number of names by their polls, who did the work for the service of the house of Yahweh, from twenty years old and upward.

    25 For David said, “Yahweh, the God of Israel, has given rest to his people; and he dwells in Jerusalem forever.

    If he is omnipresent, he doesn’t just live in Jerusalem.  He’s everywhere.  Pervert!

    26 Also the Levites will no longer need to carry the tabernacle and all its vessels for its service.”

    Do they get unemployment now?

    27 For by the last words of David the sons of Levi were numbered, from twenty years old and upward.

    28 For their office was to wait on the sons of Aaron for the service of the house of Yahweh, in the courts, and in the rooms, and in the purifying of all holy things, even the work of the service of God’s house;

    29 for the show bread also, and for the fine flour for a meal offering, whether of unleavened wafers, or of that which is baked in the pan, or of that which is soaked, and for all kinds of measure and size;

    30 and to stand every morning to thank and praise Yahweh, and likewise in the evening;

    Not a very productive bunch, while those who actually put in a days work, have to carry them forever.  Not a fair distribution of labour.

    31 and to offer all burnt offerings to Yahweh, on the Sabbaths, on the new moons, and on the set feasts, in number according to the ordinance concerning them, continually before Yahweh;

    32 and that they should keep the duty of the Tent of Meeting, and the duty of the holy place, and the duty of the sons of Aaron their brothers, for the service of the house of Yahweh.

    Still, there isn’t anything remotely about morals in this book.  If they weren’t so driven by appeasing a bastard God that really didn’t care about them they might have remembered to include some.

    << 1-Chronicles 22       Index      1-Chronicles 24 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on June 29, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Chronicles, , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Chronicles 22: Why would anyone want to be God’s doormat? 

    1-Chronicles Part 22 of 29

    Ok, time to come clean here.  I messed up and gave you part 23 last night, so here to get things in the correct order is the real part 22.

    1 Then David said, “This is the house of Yahweh God, and this is the altar of burnt offering for Israel.”

    2 David gave orders to gather together the foreigners who were in the land of Israel; and he set masons to cut worked stones to build God’s house.

    Slavery! You can’t call it anything else.

    3 David prepared iron in abundance for the nails for the doors of the gates, and for the couplings; and brass in abundance without weight;

    No, he had iron prepared.  Anyone would think he built Israel by hand all on his own.

    4 and cedar trees without number: for the Sidonians and they of Tyre brought cedar trees in abundance to David.

    5 David said, “Solomon my son is young and tender, and the house that is to be built for Yahweh must be exceedingly magnificent, of fame and of glory throughout all countries. I will therefore make preparation for it.” So David prepared abundantly before his death.

    6 Then he called for Solomon his son, and commanded him to build a house for Yahweh, the God of Israel.

    7 David said to Solomon his son, “As for me, it was in my heart to build a house to the name of Yahweh my God.

    8 But the word of Yahweh came to me, saying, ‘You have shed blood abundantly, and have made great wars. You shall not build a house to my name, because you have shed much blood on the earth in my sight.

    Which is exactly what God asked him to do.  What’s his problem?

    9 Behold, a son shall be born to you, who shall be a man of rest. I will give him rest from all his enemies all around; for his name shall be Solomon, and I will give peace and quietness to Israel in his days.

    10 He shall build a house for my name; and he shall be my son, and I will be his father; and I will establish the throne of his kingdom over Israel for ever.’

    So, you diddled David’s wife as well huh?  Naughty God, Bad God!!!

    11 Now, my son, may Yahweh be with you and prosper you, and build the house of Yahweh your God, as he has spoken concerning you.

    12 May Yahweh give you discretion and understanding, and put you in charge of Israel; that so you may keep the law of Yahweh your God.

    13 Then you will prosper, if you observe to do the statutes and the ordinances which Yahweh gave Moses concerning Israel. Be strong, and courageous. Don’t be afraid, neither be dismayed.

    14 Now, behold, in my affliction I have prepared for the house of Yahweh one hundred thousand talents of gold, one million talents of silver, and brass and iron without weight; for it is in abundance. I have also prepared timber and stone; and you may add to them.

    15 There are also workmen with you in abundance, cutters and workers of stone and timber, and all kinds of men who are skillful in every kind of work:

    Are there men who know how to add frilly lace to pink tutus?  Hmmmm?  I bet not!!!

    16 of the gold, the silver, and the brass, and the iron, there is no number. Arise and be doing, and may Yahweh be with you.”

    17 David also commanded all the princes of Israel to help Solomon his son, saying,

    18 “Isn’t Yahweh your God with you? Hasn’t he given you rest on every side? For he has delivered the inhabitants of the land into my hand; and the land is subdued before Yahweh, and before his people.

    19 Now set your heart and your soul to seek after Yahweh your God. Arise therefore, and build the sanctuary of Yahweh God, to bring the ark of the covenant of Yahweh, and the holy vessels of God, into the house that is to be built to the name of Yahweh.”

    Yes!  Be good little sock puppets!  Give up your free will.  Give up your right to self determination.  Morons!!!

    << 1-Chronicles 21       Index      1-Chronicles 23 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on June 28, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Chronicles, , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Chronicles 21: Does God need a little blue pill? 

    1-Chronicles Part 21 of 29

    1 Satan stood up against Israel, and moved David to number Israel.

    Satan?  Satan who?  Is he David’s son?  Is he the king of some neighbouring state?  We wouldn’t know.  This is the first mention of the guy so far and therefore he could be anyone.

    2 David said to Joab and to the princes of the people, “Go, number Israel from Beersheba even to Dan; and bring me word, that I may know the sum of them.”

    Why does Satan need to know this?  Isn’t he powerful enough to know how many there are anyway?

    3 Joab said, “May Yahweh make his people a hundred times as many as they are. But, my lord the king, aren’t they all my lord’s servants? Why does my lord require this thing? Why will he be a cause of guilt to Israel?”

    Why would it be a cause of guilt?

    4 Nevertheless the king’s word prevailed against Joab. Therefore Joab departed, and went throughout all Israel, and came to Jerusalem.

    5 Joab gave up the sum of the numbering of the people to David. All those of Israel were one million one hundred thousand men who drew sword: and in Judah were four hundred seventy thousand men who drew sword.

    Seemingly only those who can wield a sword are worth counting.

    6 But he didn’t count Levi and Benjamin among them; for the king’s word was abominable to Joab.

    7 God was displeased with this thing; therefore he struck Israel.

    What ‘thing’ is he displeased with?  The counting or Joab not doing his job right?

    8 David said to God, “I have sinned greatly, in that I have done this thing. But now, put away, I beg you, the iniquity of your servant; for I have done very foolishly.”

    This idiot book has been saying for quite a while that David did no wrong and yet here is another example of how wrong he could be.

    9 Yahweh spoke to Gad, David’s seer, saying,

    10 “Go and speak to David, saying, ‘Thus says Yahweh, “I offer you three things. Choose one of them, that I may do it to you.”’”

    11 So Gad came to David, and said to him, “Thus says Yahweh, ‘Take your choice:

    12 either three years of famine; or three months to be consumed before your foes, while the sword of your enemies overtakes you; or else three days the sword of Yahweh, even pestilence in the land, and the angel of Yahweh destroying throughout all the borders of Israel. Now therefore consider what answer I shall return to him who sent me.’”

    Wow, he sure does like to punish.  Even having to choose is a punishment.

    13 David said to Gad, “I am in distress. Let me fall, I pray, into the hand of Yahweh; for his mercies are very great. Let me not fall into the hand of man.”

    14 So Yahweh sent a pestilence on Israel; and seventy thousand men of Israel fell.

    So seventy thousand innocent men die for the perceived crimes of one man?

    15 God sent an angel to Jerusalem to destroy it. As he was about to destroy, Yahweh saw, and he relented of the disaster, and said to the destroying angel, “It is enough; now stay your hand.” The angel of Yahweh was standing by the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite.

    Here is yet another example of God’s non omniscience.  He would have know exactly what was going to happen without having to ‘see’ before he made up his mind to relent.

    16 David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of Yahweh standing between earth and the sky, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem.

    Then David and the elders, clothed in sackcloth, fell on their faces.

    17 David said to God, “Isn’t it I who commanded the people to be numbered? It is even I who have sinned and done very wickedly; but these sheep, what have they done? Please let your hand, O Yahweh my God, be against me, and against my father’s house; but not against your people, that they should be plagued.”

    18 Then the angel of Yahweh commanded Gad to tell David that David should go up, and raise an altar to Yahweh in the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite.

    Why is it that a God needs an altar?  What does it do for him?

    19 David went up at the saying of Gad, which he spoke in the name of Yahweh.

    20 Ornan turned back, and saw the angel; and his four sons who were with him hid themselves. Now Ornan was threshing wheat.

    21 As David came to Ornan, Ornan looked and saw David, and went out of the threshing floor, and bowed himself to David with his face to the ground.

    22 Then David said to Ornan, “Give me the place of this threshing floor, that I may build thereon an altar to Yahweh. You shall sell it to me for the full price, that the plague may be stopped from afflicting the people.”

    23 Ornan said to David, “Take it for yourself, and let my lord the king do that which is good in his eyes. Behold, I give the oxen for burnt offerings, and the threshing instruments for wood, and the wheat for the meal offering. I give it all.”

    24 King David said to Ornan, “No; but I will most certainly buy it for the full price. For I will not take that which is yours for Yahweh, nor offer a burnt offering without cost.”

    25 So David gave to Ornan six hundred shekels of gold by weight for the place.

    26 David built an altar to Yahweh there, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings, and called on Yahweh; and he answered him from the sky by fire on the altar of burnt offering.

    27 Yahweh commanded the angel; and he put up his sword again into its sheath.

    28 At that time, when David saw that Yahweh had answered him in the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite, then he sacrificed there.

    29 For the tabernacle of Yahweh, which Moses made in the wilderness, and the altar of burnt offering, were at that time in the high place at Gibeon.

    30 But David couldn’t go before it to inquire of God; for he was afraid because of the sword of the angel of Yahweh.

    If he knew that God had already stopped, why would he be afraid?  None of this makes very much sense at all.

    << 1-Chronicles 20       Index      1-Chronicles 22 >>

     

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