Tagged: 1-Kings Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 12, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , ,   

    1-Kings: The Post Mortem 

    1-Kings: What was it all about?

    Except for the first couple of Kings, they were all the same moronic Baal worshipping, Asherah Pole worshipping, prophet loving, bloodthirsty, morons.  What was the difference between them and the first couple?  The first couple had a ‘thing’ for God instead of Baal and Asherah. So, they were all delusional morons.

    This prophet thing gets me a little too.  Hundreds of them?  If you really thought God spoke through your prophets, wouldn’t you only need one?  Is there really a need to have four hundred prophesies that tell you the same thing?  How can you expect to get factual prophesies when you threaten your prophets?  They are only going to tell you what you want to hear which is useless at best and disastrous at worst.

    Dead people coming back to life is always a showstopper.  Most people fixate on Jesus being the Bible’s Zombie, but he’s certainly not the only one.  There were others before him like the Widow of Zarephath’s son.  So why aren’t we seeing Zombies these days?  Wouldn’t that be fun?  Or maybe not.  Can you imagine not being able to get rid of George Dubya or Donald Trump?  <shudder>

    And what is with the ‘book of the annals of the kings of Israel’? It doesn’t exist but is referenced in the bible.  Maybe never existed.  The silly part is that if something these kings did was pertinent to the story it would have been included in the bible itself.

    1-Kings is replete with idiot kings who did nothing be piss God off over and over and get more of their people killed.  The fact that God would sentence so many generations to this kind of treatment because he was annoyed with one person or even a few people is close to genocide.  He’s close to wiping these people from the face of the earth.  Not to mention that some have been wiped out.  How can anything that gets to this point be taken seriously by what are purported to be mature, intelligent beings?

    I despair for the future of the human race if we, as modern people, still have so many that take this crap seriously.

    << 1-Kings 22      Index      2-Kings: 1 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 11, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 22: Will you lot please pay attention! I know it’s boring, but please… :) 

    1-Kings Part 22 of 22
    Micaiah Prophesies Against Ahab

    1 For three years there was no war between Aram and Israel.

    2 But in the third year Jehoshaphat king of Judah went down to see the king of Israel.

    3 The king of Israel had said to his officials, “Don’t you know that Ramoth Gilead belongs to us and yet we are doing nothing to retake it from the king of Aram?”

    4 So he asked Jehoshaphat, “Will you go with me to fight against Ramoth Gilead?”

    Jehoshaphat replied to the king of Israel, “I am as you are, my people as your people, my horses as your horses.”

    5 But Jehoshaphat also said to the king of Israel, “First seek the counsel of the LORD.”

    Now you know THAT is going to cause trouble don’t you!

    6 So the king of Israel brought together the prophets—about four hundred men—and asked them, “Shall I go to war against Ramoth Gilead, or shall I refrain?”

    You’re asking for a decision from a committee of four hundred men?  Moron!

    “Go,” they answered, “for the Lord will give it into the king’s hand.”

    7 But Jehoshaphat asked, “Is there no longer a prophet of the LORD here whom we can inquire of?”

    8 The king of Israel answered Jehoshaphat, “There is still one prophet through whom we can inquire of the LORD, but I hate him because he never prophesies anything good about me, but always bad. He is Micaiah son of Imlah.”

    You expect all prophesies to be in your favour?  You don’t need a prophet.  You need a guy who can change the future.  Oh, you do have one.  God!  But he’s not helping you much is he?

    “The king should not say such a thing,” Jehoshaphat replied.

    9 So the king of Israel called one of his officials and said, “Bring Micaiah son of Imlah at once.”

    10 Dressed in their royal robes, the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat king of Judah were sitting on their thrones at the threshing floor by the entrance of the gate of Samaria, with all the prophets prophesying before them.

    There’s hundreds of these guys.  What then does it look and sound like to have them all prophesying at the same time?

    11 Now Zedekiah son of Kenaanah had made iron horns and he declared, “This is what the LORD says: ‘With these you will gore the Arameans until they are destroyed.’”

    12 All the other prophets were prophesying the same thing. “Attack Ramoth Gilead and be victorious,” they said, “for the LORD will give it into the king’s hand.”

    13 The messenger who had gone to summon Micaiah said to him, “Look, the other prophets without exception are predicting success for the king. Let your word agree with theirs, and speak favorably.”

    14 But Micaiah said, “As surely as the LORD lives, I can tell him only what the LORD tells me.”

    An honest man.  What a refreshing change.

    15 When he arrived, the king asked him, “Micaiah, shall we go to war against Ramoth Gilead, or not?”

    “Attack and be victorious,” he answered, “for the LORD will give it into the king’s hand.”

    Hey, what happened to being honest?  I’m sooooo dissapointed.

    16 The king said to him, “How many times must I make you swear to tell me nothing but the truth in the name of the LORD?”

    17 Then Micaiah answered, “I saw all Israel scattered on the hills like sheep without a shepherd, and the LORD said, ‘These people have no master. Let each one go home in peace.’”

    That’s better.

    18 The king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “Didn’t I tell you that he never prophesies anything good about me, but only bad?”

    You got exactly what you demanded and you still aren’t happy.

    19 Micaiah continued, “Therefore hear the word of the LORD: I saw the LORD sitting on his throne with all the multitudes of heaven standing around him on his right and on his left.

    20 And the LORD said, ‘Who will entice Ahab into attacking Ramoth Gilead and going to his death there?’

    “One suggested this, and another that.

    This is starting to sound better.

    21 Finally, a spirit came forward, stood before the LORD and said, ‘I will entice him.’

    22 “‘By what means?’ the LORD asked.

    “‘I will go out and be a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said.

    “‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the LORD. ‘Go and do it.’

    23 “So now the LORD has put a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours. The LORD has decreed disaster for you.”

    Time to tear your clothes, put on sackcloth and hope for mercy dude. Oh sorry, you already did that.  :)

    24 Then Zedekiah son of Kenaanah went up and slapped Micaiah in the face. “Which way did the spirit from the LORD go when he went from me to speak to you?” he asked.

    25 Micaiah replied, “You will find out on the day you go to hide in an inner room.”

    Nice return of serve there.

    26 The king of Israel then ordered, “Take Micaiah and send him back to Amon the ruler of the city and to Joash the king’s son

    27 and say, ‘This is what the king says: Put this fellow in prison and give him nothing but bread and water until I return safely.’”

    28 Micaiah declared, “If you ever return safely, the LORD has not spoken through me.” Then he added, “Mark my words, all you people!”

    Cue dramatic music…  Da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Ahab Killed at Ramoth Gilead

    29 So the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat king of Judah went up to Ramoth Gilead.

    30 The king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “I will enter the battle in disguise, but you wear your royal robes.” So the king of Israel disguised himself and went into battle.

    31 Now the king of Aram had ordered his thirty-two chariot commanders, “Do not fight with anyone, small or great, except the king of Israel.”

    That ‘should’ effectively take them out of the battle.

    32 When the chariot commanders saw Jehoshaphat, they thought, “Surely this is the king of Israel.” So they turned to attack him, but when Jehoshaphat cried out,

    33 the chariot commanders saw that he was not the king of Israel and stopped pursuing him.

    34 But someone drew his bow at random and hit the king of Israel between the sections of his armor. The king told his chariot driver, “Wheel around and get me out of the fighting. I’ve been wounded.”

    Awwwww, how sad!

    35 All day long the battle raged, and the king was propped up in his chariot facing the Arameans. The blood from his wound ran onto the floor of the chariot, and that evening he died.

    Well, he was warned.

    36 As the sun was setting, a cry spread through the army: “Every man to his town. Every man to his land!”

    37 So the king died and was brought to Samaria, and they buried him there.

    38 They washed the chariot at a pool in Samaria (where the prostitutes bathed), and the dogs licked up his blood, as the word of the LORD had declared.

    39 As for the other events of Ahab’s reign, including all he did, the palace he built and adorned with ivory, and the cities he fortified, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel?

    I don’t know and I don’t really care.  This book alone is one religious book too many.

    40 Ahab rested with his ancestors. And Ahaziah his son succeeded him as king.

    Will he reign successfully?  Will God allow him to live?  This and more coming up in another exciting and fun filled chapter.  Maybe!

    Jehoshaphat King of Judah

    41 Jehoshaphat son of Asa became king of Judah in the fourth year of Ahab king of Israel.

    42 Jehoshaphat was thirty-five years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem twenty-five years. His mother’s name was Azubah daughter of Shilhi.

    43 In everything he followed the ways of his father Asa and did not stray from them; he did what was right in the eyes of the LORD. The high places, however, were not removed, and the people continued to offer sacrifices and burn incense there.

    Deja Vu!

    44 Jehoshaphat was also at peace with the king of Israel.

    45 As for the other events of Jehoshaphat’s reign, the things he achieved and his military exploits, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah?

    Deja Vu of deja vu?

    46 He rid the land of the rest of the male shrine prostitutes who remained there even after the reign of his father Asa.

    47 There was then no king in Edom; a provincial governor ruled.

    48 Now Jehoshaphat built a fleet of trading ships to go to Ophir for gold, but they never set sail—they were wrecked at Ezion Geber.

    49 At that time Ahaziah son of Ahab said to Jehoshaphat, “Let my men sail with yours,” but Jehoshaphat refused.

    50 Then Jehoshaphat rested with his ancestors and was buried with them in the city of David his father. And Jehoram his son succeeded him as king.

    That’s what happens when Kings die I suppose.

    Ahaziah King of Israel

    51 Ahaziah son of Ahab became king of Israel in Samaria in the seventeenth year of Jehoshaphat king of Judah, and he reigned over Israel two years.

    52 He did evil in the eyes of the LORD, because he followed the ways of his father and mother and of Jeroboam son of Nebat, who caused Israel to sin.

    53 He served and worshiped Baal and aroused the anger of the LORD, the God of Israel, just as his father had done.

    At whose bidding?

    << 1-Kings 21       Index       1-Kings: The Post Mortem >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 10, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 21: Two reasons why Christianity is evil and immoral. 

    1-Kings Part 21 of 22
    Naboth’s Vineyard

    1 Some time later there was an incident involving a vineyard belonging to Naboth the Jezreelite. The vineyard was in Jezreel, close to the palace of Ahab king of Samaria.

    Isn’t he King of Israel?

    2 Ahab said to Naboth, “Let me have your vineyard to use for a vegetable garden, since it is close to my palace. In exchange I will give you a better vineyard or, if you prefer, I will pay you whatever it is worth.”

    3 But Naboth replied, “The LORD forbid that I should give you the inheritance of my ancestors.”

    4 So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezreelite had said, “I will not give you the inheritance of my ancestors.” He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat.

    How old is this guy?  8 1/2 ?

    5 His wife Jezebel came in and asked him, “Why are you so sullen? Why won’t you eat?”

    6 He answered her, “Because I said to Naboth the Jezreelite, ‘Sell me your vineyard; or if you prefer, I will give you another vineyard in its place.’ But he said, ‘I will not give you my vineyard.’”

    7 Jezebel his wife said, “Is this how you act as king over Israel? Get up and eat! Cheer up. I’ll get you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite.”

    It does not bode well for Jezebel to be let loose upon unsuspecting victims.

    8 So she wrote letters in Ahab’s name, placed his seal on them, and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city with him.

    9 In those letters she wrote:

    “Proclaim a day of fasting and seat Naboth in a prominent place among the people.

    10 But seat two scoundrels opposite him and have them bring charges that he has cursed both God and the king. Then take him out and stone him to death.”

    11 So the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city did as Jezebel directed in the letters she had written to them.

    Was he that influential that they would lie about God and murder someone?

    12 They proclaimed a fast and seated Naboth in a prominent place among the people.

    13 Then two scoundrels came and sat opposite him and brought charges against Naboth before the people, saying, “Naboth has cursed both God and the king.” So they took him outside the city and stoned him to death.

    And right there is the problem with religion.  All it takes is an accusation for someone to lose their life.  Learn from that people.  Religion is an insidious disease that should be stamped out before we come full circle and end up in the same predicament as Europe during the Inquisition.

    14 Then they sent word to Jezebel: “Naboth has been stoned to death.”

    15 As soon as Jezebel heard that Naboth had been stoned to death, she said to Ahab, “Get up and take possession of the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite that he refused to sell you. He is no longer alive, but dead.”

    16 When Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, he got up and went down to take possession of Naboth’s vineyard.

    17 Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite:

    How did the word of the Lord come to Elijah?  In a dream?  On a piece of toast?  Strategically arranged camel fleas?

    18 “Go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, who rules in Samaria. He is now in Naboth’s vineyard, where he has gone to take possession of it.

    19 Say to him, ‘This is what the LORD says: Have you not murdered a man and seized his property?’ Then say to him, ‘This is what the LORD says: In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’”

    20 Ahab said to Elijah, “So you have found me, my enemy!”

    So we go straight from being told to say it, to having already said it?  Silly book.

    “I have found you,” he answered, “because you have sold yourself to do evil in the eyes of the LORD.

    21 He says, ‘I am going to bring disaster on you. I will wipe out your descendants and cut off from Ahab every last male in Israel—slave or free.

    22 I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat and that of Baasha son of Ahijah, because you have aroused my anger and have caused Israel to sin.’

    23 “And also concerning Jezebel the LORD says: ‘Dogs will devour Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel.’

    24 “Dogs will eat those belonging to Ahab who die in the city, and the birds will feed on those who die in the country.”

    This seems to be God’s favourite thing lately.  Makes you wonder what he has in mind for his next trick.

    25 (There was never anyone like Ahab, who sold himself to do evil in the eyes of the LORD, urged on by Jezebel his wife.

    26 He behaved in the vilest manner by going after idols, like the Amorites the LORD drove out before Israel.)

    27 When Ahab heard these words, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and fasted. He lay in sackcloth and went around meekly.

    28 Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite:

    29 “Have you noticed how Ahab has humbled himself before me? Because he has humbled himself, I will not bring this disaster in his day, but I will bring it on his house in the days of his son.”

    So you’re saying that the guilty get away with the crime by humbling themselves but the innocent have to pay the price?  This is yet another problem with religion.  It tends to allow the guilty to get away with things if they repent, but punish the innocent in their place.  Shameful behaviour.

    << 1-Kings 20       Index      1-Kings 22 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 9, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 20: Gods. Just say NO! 

    1-Kings Part 20 of 22
    Ben-Hadad Attacks Samaria

    1 Now Ben-Hadad king of Aram mustered his entire army. Accompanied by thirty-two kings with their horses and chariots, he went up and besieged Samaria and attacked it.

    Such a small area to have so many kings.  Probably a very good reason why they can’t get on and are always fighting with each other.

    2 He sent messengers into the city to Ahab king of Israel, saying, “This is what Ben-Hadad says:

    3 ‘Your silver and gold are mine, and the best of your wives and children are mine.’”

    4 The king of Israel answered, “Just as you say, my lord the king. I and all I have are yours.”

    Wow, that’s giving in easy.  Not even putting up a fight.

    5 The messengers came again and said, “This is what Ben-Hadad says: ‘I sent to demand your silver and gold, your wives and your children.

    6 But about this time tomorrow I am going to send my officials to search your palace and the houses of your officials. They will seize everything you value and carry it away.’”

    7 The king of Israel summoned all the elders of the land and said to them, “See how this man is looking for trouble! When he sent for my wives and my children, my silver and my gold, I did not refuse him.”

    Do you really think just giving away your wives and children to protect yourself is the right thing to do?

    8 The elders and the people all answered, “Don’t listen to him or agree to his demands.”

    9 So he replied to Ben-Hadad’s messengers, “Tell my lord the king, ‘Your servant will do all you demanded the first time, but this demand I cannot meet.’” They left and took the answer back to Ben-Hadad.

    So he’s still giving away his wives, children, gold and silver?  No one in their right mind just gives away their children.  At least not people with morals.

    10 Then Ben-Hadad sent another message to Ahab: “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if enough dust remains in Samaria to give each of my men a handful.”

    11 The king of Israel answered, “Tell him: ‘One who puts on his armor should not boast like one who takes it off.’”

    Oh Snap!

    12 Ben-Hadad heard this message while he and the kings were drinking in their tents, and he ordered his men: “Prepare to attack.” So they prepared to attack the city.

    Yet again, another petty war over petty reasons and all for a petty god.

    Ahab Defeats Ben-Hadad

    13 Meanwhile a prophet came to Ahab king of Israel and announced, “This is what the LORD says: ‘Do you see this vast army? I will give it into your hand today, and then you will know that I am the LORD.’”

    14 “But who will do this?” asked Ahab.

    The prophet replied, “This is what the LORD says: ‘The junior officers under the provincial commanders will do it.’”

    “And who will start the battle?” he asked.

    The prophet answered, “You will.”

    A prophet?  This just after Elijah says he is the only prophet?  Is this Elijah?  Is it one of the one hundred hidden prophets and if so, what are they doing coming out of hiding?  Explanations please.

    15 So Ahab summoned the 232 junior officers under the provincial commanders. Then he assembled the rest of the Israelites, 7,000 in all.

    I’m still wondering if this 7,000 figure is the whole of the Israelite nation or if it is just the Israelite army.

    16 They set out at noon while Ben-Hadad and the 32 kings allied with him were in their tents getting drunk.

    17 The junior officers under the provincial commanders went out first.

    Now Ben-Hadad had dispatched scouts, who reported, “Men are advancing from Samaria.”

    18 He said, “If they have come out for peace, take them alive; if they have come out for war, take them alive.”

    19 The junior officers under the provincial commanders marched out of the city with the army behind them

    20 and each one struck down his opponent. At that, the Arameans fled, with the Israelites in pursuit. But Ben-Hadad king of Aram escaped on horseback with some of his horsemen.

    Big mouth, no heart.  Not much of a brain either.  Getting drunk before a battle?  Not much of an example for the men.

    21 The king of Israel advanced and overpowered the horses and chariots and inflicted heavy losses on the Arameans.

    22 Afterward, the prophet came to the king of Israel and said, “Strengthen your position and see what must be done, because next spring the king of Aram will attack you again.”

    And on it goes…

    23 Meanwhile, the officials of the king of Aram advised him, “Their gods are gods of the hills. That is why they were too strong for us. But if we fight them on the plains, surely we will be stronger than they.

    It seems more likely that when you use the word ‘god’, you’re looking for trouble one way or another.  Just give them up.  Say NO!

    24 Do this: Remove all the kings from their commands and replace them with other officers.

    Remove kings?  Just like they were commanders?  That isn’t what a king is, so you must be meaning ‘kill’ the kings.  Why not just say so?

    25 You must also raise an army like the one you lost—horse for horse and chariot for chariot—so we can fight Israel on the plains. Then surely we will be stronger than they.” He agreed with them and acted accordingly.

    26 The next spring Ben-Hadad mustered the Arameans and went up to Aphek to fight against Israel.

    27 When the Israelites were also mustered and given provisions, they marched out to meet them. The Israelites camped opposite them like two small flocks of goats, while the Arameans covered the countryside.

    28 The man of God came up and told the king of Israel, “This is what the LORD says: ‘Because the Arameans think the LORD is a god of the hills and not a god of the valleys, I will deliver this vast army into your hands, and you will know that I am the LORD.’”

    At what price?

    29 For seven days they camped opposite each other, and on the seventh day the battle was joined. The Israelites inflicted a hundred thousand casualties on the Aramean foot soldiers in one day.

    So God interferes at the cost of one hundred thousand lives?  Such compassion.

    30 The rest of them escaped to the city of Aphek, where the wall collapsed on twenty-seven thousand of them. And Ben-Hadad fled to the city and hid in an inner room.

    Think about that for a minute.  We’re talking about more than two thousand years ago and they had a wall big enough to kill twenty thousand men?  Freaking BULLSHIT!  Freaking LIARS!

    31 His officials said to him, “Look, we have heard that the kings of Israel are merciful. Let us go to the king of Israel with sackcloth around our waists and ropes around our heads. Perhaps he will spare your life.”

    Why is your life so much more precious than your men’s lives?  You didn’t seem to care that they were getting killed.  You only start worrying when it’s your own pathetic neck that is in trouble.  Pretty typical of a lot of leaders.  All full of themselves until it’s their life on the line.

    32 Wearing sackcloth around their waists and ropes around their heads, they went to the king of Israel and said, “Your servant Ben-Hadad says: ‘Please let me live.’”

    The king answered, “Is he still alive? He is my brother.”

    33 The men took this as a good sign and were quick to pick up his word. “Yes, your brother Ben-Hadad!” they said.

    “Go and get him,” the king said. When Ben-Hadad came out, Ahab had him come up into his chariot.

    34 “I will return the cities my father took from your father,” Ben-Hadad offered. “You may set up your own market areas in Damascus, as my father did in Samaria.”

    Ahab said, “On the basis of a treaty I will set you free.” So he made a treaty with him, and let him go.

    Ben-Haddad has attacked you at least twice, didn’t care one bit about his men but you trust him?  What’s to stop him from raising another army and coming back next spring yet again?

    A Prophet Condemns Ahab

    35 By the word of the LORD one of the company of the prophets said to his companion, “Strike me with your weapon,” but he refused.

    Why would God want one prophet to strike and possibly kill another prophet?

    36 So the prophet said, “Because you have not obeyed the LORD, as soon as you leave me a lion will kill you.” And after the man went away, a lion found him and killed him.

    God has him killed by a lion because he refused to take a life?

    37 The prophet found another man and said, “Strike me, please.” So the man struck him and wounded him.

    38 Then the prophet went and stood by the road waiting for the king. He disguised himself with his headband down over his eyes.

    Wooooooooooo spooky!

    39 As the king passed by, the prophet called out to him, “Your servant went into the thick of the battle, and someone came to me with a captive and said, ‘Guard this man. If he is missing, it will be your life for his life, or you must pay a talent of silver.’

    40 While your servant was busy here and there, the man disappeared.”

    “That is your sentence,” the king of Israel said. “You have pronounced it yourself.”

    41 Then the prophet quickly removed the headband from his eyes, and the king of Israel recognized him as one of the prophets.

    42 He said to the king, “This is what the LORD says: ‘You have set free a man I had determined should die. Therefore it is your life for his life, your people for his people.’”

    43 Sullen and angry, the king of Israel went to his palace in Samaria.

    So if we put this into language everyone can understand it would read something like this: The prophet just told King Ahab that he is going to die for allowing King Ben-Haddad to live.  Why can’t they just freaking say so instead of wrapping everything up in such idiotic language?

    << 1-Kings 19       Index      1-Kings 21 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 8, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 19: Elijah, King of the Cowards. 

    1-Kings Part 19 of 22
    Elijah Flees to Horeb

    1 Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword.

    2 So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”

    That’s bright.  Let him know you’re coming.

    3 Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,

    He can kill 850 prophets, but runs away from one woman?

    4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”

    Go on Lord, do it!  Do it I say!  :)

    5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

    All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.”

    Did he need reminding to breath too?

    6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

    7 The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.”

    8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.

    Are you freaking kidding me?  Forty days and forty nights on one lousy meal?

    9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

    The LORD Appears to Elijah

    And the word of the LORD came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

    Pretty stupid question if it was the angel of the lord who sent him there.

    10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

    11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”

    How can a being that is omnipresent ‘pass by’?

    Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.

    12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

    13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

    Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

    Maybe doing just what you asked?

    14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

    15 The LORD said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram.

    16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet.

    17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu.

    18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

    So out of all the millions, we are down to seven thousand?

    The Call of Elisha

    19 So Elijah went from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him.

    20 Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. “Let me kiss my father and mother goodbye,” he said, “and then I will come with you.”

    “Go back,” Elijah replied. “What have I done to you?”

    21 So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his servant.

    Just because you had a cloak thrown on you by some passerby?  Groan!!!

    << 1-Kings 18      Index      1-Kings 20 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 7, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 18: Another 850 dead at God’s command. Plus 2 Bulls. 

    1-Kings Part 18 of 22
    Elijah and Obadiah

    1 After a long time, in the third year, the word of the LORD came to Elijah: “Go and present yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the land.”

    What was the criteria for giving in and looking after them at last?  And why Ahab?

    2 So Elijah went to present himself to Ahab.

    Now the famine was severe in Samaria,

    Well, after a long drought, that God caused, what would you expect?

    3 and Ahab had summoned Obadiah, his palace administrator. (Obadiah was a devout believer in the LORD.

    Why? Had God spoken to him or was he just another sock puppet?

    4 While Jezebel was killing off the LORD’s prophets,

    Why was God allowing her to kill off his prophets?  Can’t he even take care of them?

    Obadiah had taken a hundred prophets and hidden them in two caves, fifty in each, and had supplied them with food and water.)

    Where was he getting the water and food from for that amount of mouths?

    5 Ahab had said to Obadiah, “Go through the land to all the springs and valleys. Maybe we can find some grass to keep the horses and mules alive so we will not have to kill any of our animals.”

    Why hadn’t God provided for them?  Because they can’t ‘believe’ in him?

    6 So they divided the land they were to cover, Ahab going in one direction and Obadiah in another.

    This sounds like they were friends out to try and do something positive.

    7 As Obadiah was walking along, Elijah met him. Obadiah recognized him, bowed down to the ground, and said, “Is it really you, my lord Elijah?”

    Ah, it’s the boss.  Well, one of them.  :)

    8 “Yes,” he replied. “Go tell your master, ‘Elijah is here.’”

    Why?

    9 “What have I done wrong,” asked Obadiah, “that you are handing your servant over to Ahab to be put to death?

    You just accused your lord of trying to kill you?  Brave boy.

    10 As surely as the LORD your God lives, there is not a nation or kingdom where my master has not sent someone to look for you. And whenever a nation or kingdom claimed you were not there, he made them swear they could not find you.

    11 But now you tell me to go to my master and say, ‘Elijah is here.’

    12 I don’t know where the Spirit of the LORD may carry you when I leave you. If I go and tell Ahab and he doesn’t find you, he will kill me. Yet I your servant have worshiped the LORD since my youth.

    Why don’t they explain this shit first so you have some idea of what they are talking about?  Not to mention they give no examples.  Just believe them I guess.  NOT!

    13 Haven’t you heard, my lord, what I did while Jezebel was killing the prophets of the LORD? I hid a hundred of the LORD’s prophets in two caves, fifty in each, and supplied them with food and water.

    14 And now you tell me to go to my master and say, ‘Elijah is here.’ He will kill me!”

    15 Elijah said, “As the LORD Almighty lives, whom I serve, I will surely present myself to Ahab today.”

    See, there you go.  You can believe him now can’t you?

    Elijah on Mount Carmel

    16 So Obadiah went to meet Ahab and told him, and Ahab went to meet Elijah.

    17 When he saw Elijah, he said to him, “Is that you, you troubler of Israel?”

    Wow, first words out of your mouth and you insult the guy.  Lovely.

    18 “I have not made trouble for Israel,” Elijah replied. “But you and your father’s family have. You have abandoned the LORD’s commands and have followed the Baals.

    Whoa, return of serve!

    19 Now summon the people from all over Israel to meet me on Mount Carmel. And bring the four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal and the four hundred prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table.”

    Now, if you were willing to insult Elijah the way Ahab did, would you obey him?

    20 So Ahab sent word throughout all Israel and assembled the prophets on Mount Carmel.

    21 Elijah went before the people and said, “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.”

    But the people said nothing.

    Why would you?  None of them have any proof either way.

    22 Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only one of the LORD’s prophets left, but Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets.

    How can you be the only one when there are at least one hundred still alive hidden in caves?  Moron.

    23 Get two bulls for us. Let Baal’s prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it.

    24 Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the LORD. The god who answers by fire—he is God.”

    Like two kids in the playground yelling out “my dad’s bigger than your dad”.  What an idiotic pissing match this is.

    Then all the people said, “What you say is good.”

    25 Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “Choose one of the bulls and prepare it first, since there are so many of you. Call on the name of your god, but do not light the fire.”

    Hold on. I have a problem with this.  This is God’s book.  Of course it will be written to say he won.  What does it say in Baal’s book?  :)

    26 So they took the bull given them and prepared it.

    Then they called on the name of Baal from morning till noon. “Baal, answer us!” they shouted. But there was no response; no one answered. And they danced around the altar they had made.

    27 At noon Elijah began to taunt them. “Shout louder!” he said. “Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened.”

    Is this how God’s prophets act?  Not nice.

    28 So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed.

    Why would people continue to act in this manner unless some proof of the existence of Baal had been shown to them at some time in the past?  If there wasn’t any, they would be following God by now because at least he’s shown proof of his existence (at least as far as this fairytale book goes) by the mean spirited actions he’s taken.

    29 Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention.

    Much like God these days.  :)

    30 Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come here to me.” They came to him, and he repaired the altar of the LORD, which had been torn down.

    31 Elijah took twelve stones, one for each of the tribes descended from Jacob, to whom the word of the LORD had come, saying, “Your name shall be Israel.”

    32 With the stones he built an altar in the name of the LORD, and he dug a trench around it large enough to hold two seahs of seed.

    33 He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood. Then he said to them, “Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.”

    That’s two innocent bulls that have not had their lives taken from them for no good reason.

    34 “Do it again,” he said, and they did it again.

    “Do it a third time,” he ordered, and they did it the third time.

    Is this a biblical form of Simon Says?

    35 The water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench.

    That’s a fair amount of water to waste in the middle of a drought and famine.

    36 At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: “LORD, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command.

    37 Answer me, LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.”

    Just had a thought.  What if God is Baal as well?  Does he play both roles?  How would we know?  Hmmmmm?

    38 Then the fire of the LORD fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.

    Fire burned up the stones?  Sure it did. hehe

    39 When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, “The LORD—he is God! The LORD—he is God!”

    Fickle bastards.  Stay with Baal, at least he hasn’t caused you problems like God.

    40 Then Elijah commanded them, “Seize the prophets of Baal. Don’t let anyone get away!” They seized them, and Elijah had them brought down to the Kishon Valley and slaughtered there.

    Just as they should have expected in the first place and had the good sense not to go.  But we’re talking about deluded morons here.

    41 And Elijah said to Ahab, “Go, eat and drink, for there is the sound of a heavy rain.”

    Even rain would not end the famine soon enough to be wasting food.  Or is God going to give him extra and not the rest of his flock?  It would be typical that he’d give some to the King/prophets and not the sheep.  Let them die or fend for themselves.

    42 So Ahab went off to eat and drink, but Elijah climbed to the top of Carmel, bent down to the ground and put his face between his knees.

    43 “Go and look toward the sea,” he told his servant. And he went up and looked.

    “There is nothing there,” he said.

    Seven times Elijah said, “Go back.”

    Anyone being told this over and over would have asked why way before the seventh time.  Why isn’t that here?

    44 The seventh time the servant reported, “A cloud as small as a man’s hand is rising from the sea.”

    So Elijah said, “Go and tell Ahab, ‘Hitch up your chariot and go down before the rain stops you.’”

    I’m getting tired of asking why, but, why?

    45 Meanwhile, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain started falling and Ahab rode off to Jezreel.

    A heavy rain after a long drought would wash away the good topsoil.  Good going God.

    46 The power of the LORD came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel.

    Run Forest run!!!

    << 1-Kings 17       Index      1-Kings 19 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 6, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 17: More Hocus Pocus. 

    1-Kings Part 17 of 22
    Elijah Announces a Great Drought

    1 Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.”

    More punishment for ‘his’ people. Oh how nice it must be to have such a caring and compassionate overlord such as he!

    Elijah Fed by Ravens

    2 Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah:

    3 “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan.

    4 You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.”

    5 So he did what the LORD had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there.

    6 The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.

    One word.  Why?

    Elijah and the Widow at Zarephath

    7 Some time later the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land.

    8 Then the word of the LORD came to him:

    9 “Go at once to Zarephath in the region of Sidon and stay there. I have directed a widow there to supply you with food.”

    10 So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, “Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?”

    11 As she was going to get it, he called, “And bring me, please, a piece of bread.”

    12 “As surely as the LORD your God lives,” she replied, “I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.”

    13 Elijah said to her, “Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son.

    14 For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’”

    15 She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family.

    While others around then died needlessly.

    16 For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.

    17 Some time later the son of the woman who owned the house became ill. He grew worse and worse, and finally stopped breathing.

    Good job God.  What did the kid do to piss you off?

    18 She said to Elijah, “What do you have against me, man of God? Did you come to remind me of my sin and kill my son?”

    19 “Give me your son,” Elijah replied. He took him from her arms, carried him to the upper room where he was staying, and laid him on his bed.

    20 Then he cried out to the LORD, “LORD my God, have you brought tragedy even on this widow I am staying with, by causing her son to die?”

    21 Then he stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried out to the LORD, “LORD my God, let this boy’s life return to him!”

    22 The LORD heard Elijah’s cry, and the boy’s life returned to him, and he lived.

    It’s a miracle. A miracle I say.  I now believe.  Really!  You believe me don’t you?  No?  Good!  Because this is such a freaking ridiculous book that even 5 years olds question it.

    23 Elijah picked up the child and carried him down from the room into the house. He gave him to his mother and said, “Look, your son is alive!”

    24 Then the woman said to Elijah, “Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the LORD from your mouth is the truth.”

    Who’s to say he just wasn’t in a real deep sleep with very shallow breathing?  It’s not like they’d know.

    << 1-Kings 16       Index      1-Kings 18 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 5, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 16: Ground Hog Day! 

    1-Kings Part 16 of 22

    1 Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu son of Hanani concerning Baasha:

    2 “I lifted you up from the dust and appointed you ruler over my people Israel, but you followed the ways of Jeroboam and caused my people Israel to sin and to arouse my anger by their sins.

    3 So I am about to wipe out Baasha and his house, and I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat.

    4 Dogs will eat those belonging to Baasha who die in the city, and birds will feed on those who die in the country.”

    5 As for the other events of Baasha’s reign, what he did and his achievements, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel?

    6 Baasha rested with his ancestors and was buried in Tirzah. And Elah his son succeeded him as king.

    7 Moreover, the word of the LORD came through the prophet Jehu son of Hanani to Baasha and his house, because of all the evil he had done in the eyes of the LORD, arousing his anger by the things he did, becoming like the house of Jeroboam—and also because he destroyed it.

    Haven’t we read all this many times before?

    Elah King of Israel

    8 In the twenty-sixth year of Asa king of Judah, Elah son of Baasha became king of Israel, and he reigned in Tirzah two years.

    9 Zimri, one of his officials, who had command of half his chariots, plotted against him. Elah was in Tirzah at the time, getting drunk in the home of Arza, the palace administrator at Tirzah.

    10 Zimri came in, struck him down and killed him in the twenty-seventh year of Asa king of Judah. Then he succeeded him as king.

    There’s loyalty for you.

    11 As soon as he began to reign and was seated on the throne, he killed off Baasha’s whole family. He did not spare a single male, whether relative or friend.

    Can you see God’s influence here?

    12 So Zimri destroyed the whole family of Baasha, in accordance with the word of the LORD spoken against Baasha through the prophet Jehu—

    13 because of all the sins Baasha and his son Elah had committed and had caused Israel to commit, so that they aroused the anger of the LORD, the God of Israel, by their worthless idols.

    Considering the negative effects God is having upon the Israelites, the ‘worthless idols’ are a raging success.  At least they did no harm.

    14 As for the other events of Elah’s reign, and all he did, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel?

    Blah blah blah!  If this was the best he did, the rest must be worthless.

    Zimri King of Israel

    15 In the twenty-seventh year of Asa king of Judah, Zimri reigned in Tirzah seven days. The army was encamped near Gibbethon, a Philistine town.

    16 When the Israelites in the camp heard that Zimri had plotted against the king and murdered him, they proclaimed Omri, the commander of the army, king over Israel that very day there in the camp.

    17 Then Omri and all the Israelites with him withdrew from Gibbethon and laid siege to Tirzah.

    18 When Zimri saw that the city was taken, he went into the citadel of the royal palace and set the palace on fire around him. So he died,

    19 because of the sins he had committed, doing evil in the eyes of the LORD and following the ways of Jeroboam and committing the same sin Jeroboam had caused Israel to commit.

    20 As for the other events of Zimri’s reign, and the rebellion he carried out, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel?

    This is getting rather tiresome.

    Omri King of Israel

    21 Then the people of Israel were split into two factions; half supported Tibni son of Ginath for king, and the other half supported Omri.

    22 But Omri’s followers proved stronger than those of Tibni son of Ginath. So Tibni died and Omri became king.

    23 In the thirty-first year of Asa king of Judah, Omri became king of Israel, and he reigned twelve years, six of them in Tirzah.

    24 He bought the hill of Samaria from Shemer for two talents of silver and built a city on the hill, calling it Samaria, after Shemer, the name of the former owner of the hill.

    25 But Omri did evil in the eyes of the LORD and sinned more than all those before him.

    As seemed to be the order of the day back then.

    26 He followed completely the ways of Jeroboam son of Nebat, committing the same sin Jeroboam had caused Israel to commit, so that they aroused the anger of the LORD, the God of Israel, by their worthless idols.

    27 As for the other events of Omri’s reign, what he did and the things he achieved, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel?

    Get over it.

    28 Omri rested with his ancestors and was buried in Samaria. And Ahab his son succeeded him as king.

    The end is near dear reader, you’ll be out of your misery soon enough.  :)

    Ahab Becomes King of Israel

    29 In the thirty-eighth year of Asa king of Judah, Ahab son of Omri became king of Israel, and he reigned in Samaria over Israel twenty-two years.

    30 Ahab son of Omri did more evil in the eyes of the LORD than any of those before him.

    Oooooh, never would have expected that.

    31 He not only considered it trivial to commit the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, but he also married Jezebel daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and began to serve Baal and worship him.

    32 He set up an altar for Baal in the temple of Baal that he built in Samaria.

    33 Ahab also made an Asherah pole and did more to arouse the anger of the LORD, the God of Israel, than did all the kings of Israel before him.

    Sigh…

    34 In Ahab’s time, Hiel of Bethel rebuilt Jericho. He laid its foundations at the cost of his firstborn son Abiram, and he set up its gates at the cost of his youngest son Segub, in accordance with the word of the LORD spoken by Joshua son of Nun.

    God wanted the lives of his two sons just for a buildings foundations and a gate?  Bastard!

    << 1-Kings 15       Index      1-Kings 17 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 4, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 15: God, aka The Devil in Disguise! 

    1-Kings Part 15 of 22
    Abijah King of Judah

    1 In the eighteenth year of the reign of Jeroboam son of Nebat, Abijah became king of Judah,

    2 and he reigned in Jerusalem three years. His mother’s name was Maakah daughter of Abishalom.

    3 He committed all the sins his father had done before him; his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his forefather had been.

    4 Nevertheless, for David’s sake the LORD his God gave him a lamp in Jerusalem by raising up a son to succeed him and by making Jerusalem strong.

    He raises them up, he knocks them down, he strengthens them, he weakens them, he loves them, he hates them, he helps them and then he kicks their arses for them.  When is this prick ever going to make up his freaking mind?

    5 For David had done what was right in the eyes of the LORD and had not failed to keep any of the LORD’s commands all the days of his life—except in the case of Uriah the Hittite.

    Bullshit.

    6 There was war between Abijah and Jeroboam throughout Abijah’s lifetime.

    They’re both Israelites, so why keep them fighting when God could fix it at any time he pleased?

    7 As for the other events of Abijah’s reign, and all he did, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah? There was war between Abijah and Jeroboam.

    8 And Abijah rested with his ancestors and was buried in the City of David. And Asa his son succeeded him as king.

    So far the only so called moral here is love God or get your head kicked in. By God.  There are more people in the world who don’t believe in God and are happy than there are believers who are happy.  Who would you side with?

    Asa King of Judah

    9 In the twentieth year of Jeroboam king of Israel, Asa became king of Judah,

    10 and he reigned in Jerusalem forty-one years. His grandmother’s name was Maakah daughter of Abishalom.

    11 Asa did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, as his father David had done,

    Must be a suckup!  :)

    12 He expelled the male shrine prostitutes from the land and got rid of all the idols his ancestors had made.

    13 He even deposed his grandmother Maakah from her position as queen mother, because she had made a repulsive image for the worship of Asherah. Asa cut it down and burned it in the Kidron Valley.

    14 Although he did not remove the high places, Asa’s heart was fully committed to the LORD all his life.

    The two things don’t go together dude.  If he really was fully committed to the Lord he would have gotten rid of the high places.

    15 He brought into the temple of the LORD the silver and gold and the articles that he and his father had dedicated.

    16 There was war between Asa and Baasha king of Israel throughout their reigns.

    God not willing to help his little sock puppet?

    17 Baasha king of Israel went up against Judah and fortified Ramah to prevent anyone from leaving or entering the territory of Asa king of Judah.

    18 Asa then took all the silver and gold that was left in the treasuries of the LORD’s temple and of his own palace. He entrusted it to his officials and sent them to Ben-Hadad son of Tabrimmon, the son of Hezion, the king of Aram, who was ruling in Damascus.

    19 “Let there be a treaty between me and you,” he said, “as there was between my father and your father. See, I am sending you a gift of silver and gold. Now break your treaty with Baasha king of Israel so he will withdraw from me.”

    20 Ben-Hadad agreed with King Asa and sent the commanders of his forces against the towns of Israel. He conquered Ijon, Dan, Abel Beth Maakah and all Kinnereth in addition to Naphtali.

    Mercenary bastard!  Breaking a treaty for the loot.

    21 When Baasha heard this, he stopped building Ramah and withdrew to Tirzah.

    22 Then King Asa issued an order to all Judah—no one was exempt—and they carried away from Ramah the stones and timber Baasha had been using there. With them King Asa built up Geba in Benjamin, and also Mizpah.

    23 As for all the other events of Asa’s reign, all his achievements, all he did and the cities he built, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah? In his old age, however, his feet became diseased.

    What have his mangy feet got to do with anything?

    24 Then Asa rested with his ancestors and was buried with them in the city of his father David. And Jehoshaphat his son succeeded him as king.

    Nadab King of Israel

    25 Nadab son of Jeroboam became king of Israel in the second year of Asa king of Judah, and he reigned over Israel two years.

    26 He did evil in the eyes of the LORD, following the ways of his father and committing the same sin his father had caused Israel to commit.

    27 Baasha son of Ahijah from the tribe of Issachar plotted against him, and he struck him down at Gibbethon, a Philistine town, while Nadab and all Israel were besieging it.

    28 Baasha killed Nadab in the third year of Asa king of Judah and succeeded him as king.

    29 As soon as he began to reign, he killed Jeroboam’s whole family. He did not leave Jeroboam anyone that breathed, but destroyed them all, according to the word of the LORD given through his servant Ahijah the Shilonite.

    Lovely. God orders the whole family to be killed because of one person.  That is supposed to be moral people.  According to this book, that is moral behaviour.  Excuse me while I go outside and vomit!!!

    30 This happened because of the sins Jeroboam had committed and had caused Israel to commit, and because he aroused the anger of the LORD, the God of Israel.

    No, God was just using that as an excuse to be a freaking bully.

    31 As for the other events of Nadab’s reign, and all he did, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel?

    Who cares if they are written in the Annals of the Kings of Israel.  It’s all crap anyway.  Just rubbish that God wanted and not very good stuff either if what we are reading here is anything to go by.

    32 There was war between Asa and Baasha king of Israel throughout their reigns.

    As per God’s wishes.

    Baasha King of Israel

    33 In the third year of Asa king of Judah, Baasha son of Ahijah became king of all Israel in Tirzah, and he reigned twenty-four years.

    34 He did evil in the eyes of the LORD, following the ways of Jeroboam and committing the same sin Jeroboam had caused Israel to commit.

    Because that is what God wanted.  Remember, he is the puppet master!!!

    << 1-Kings 14      Index      1-Kings 16 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on May 3, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Kings, , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Kings 14: Why? Who cares? God just said so. 

    1-Kings Part 14 of 22
    Ahijah’s Prophecy Against Jeroboam

    1 At that time Abijah son of Jeroboam became ill,

    2 and Jeroboam said to his wife, “Go, disguise yourself, so you won’t be recognized as the wife of Jeroboam. Then go to Shiloh. Ahijah the prophet is there—the one who told me I would be king over this people.

    3 Take ten loaves of bread with you, some cakes and a jar of honey, and go to him. He will tell you what will happen to the boy.”

    4 So Jeroboam’s wife did what he said and went to Ahijah’s house in Shiloh.

    Now Ahijah could not see; his sight was gone because of his age.

    Sight doesn’t go because of age, but we can’t expect them to have know this back then.  Different time and all.  Or could we?  God was supposed to know all.  Apparently though, he didn’t tell the Israelites shit!

    5 But the LORD had told Ahijah, “Jeroboam’s wife is coming to ask you about her son, for he is ill, and you are to give her such and such an answer. When she arrives, she will pretend to be someone else.”

    6 So when Ahijah heard the sound of her footsteps at the door, he said, “Come in, wife of Jeroboam. Why this pretense? I have been sent to you with bad news.

    You haven’t been sent anywhere.  She was sent to you.

    7 Go, tell Jeroboam that this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘I raised you up from among the people and appointed you ruler over my people Israel.

    8 I tore the kingdom away from the house of David and gave it to you, but you have not been like my servant David, who kept my commands and followed me with all his heart, doing only what was right in my eyes.

    More bullshit.  Read back over the whole David saga and you’ll see he didn’t keep all of God’s commands.

    9 You have done more evil than all who lived before you. You have made for yourself other gods, idols made of metal; you have aroused my anger and turned your back on me.

    Except for God at least.  God is much more evil.

    10 “‘Because of this, I am going to bring disaster on the house of Jeroboam. I will cut off from Jeroboam every last male in Israel—slave or free. I will burn up the house of Jeroboam as one burns dung, until it is all gone.

    11 Dogs will eat those belonging to Jeroboam who die in the city, and the birds will feed on those who die in the country. The LORD has spoken!’

    Pretty much typical behaviour from the villain of the piece.

    12 “As for you, go back home. When you set foot in your city, the boy will die.

    13 All Israel will mourn for him and bury him. He is the only one belonging to Jeroboam who will be buried, because he is the only one in the house of Jeroboam in whom the LORD, the God of Israel, has found anything good.

    Then the question must be asked, why did God create such faulty beings?  Especially as he created them in his own image.  Is he incapable of getting anything right?

    14 “The LORD will raise up for himself a king over Israel who will cut off the family of Jeroboam. Even now this is beginning to happen.

    How is any of this supposed to people want to follow God?  Why would anyone feel that this god was worth following?  All he ever does is cause death, pain and misery.

    15 And the LORD will strike Israel, so that it will be like a reed swaying in the water. He will uproot Israel from this good land that he gave to their ancestors and scatter them beyond the Euphrates River, because they aroused the LORD’s anger by making Asherah poles.

    Wow, what a ridiculous attitude to take to the whole of the Israelite people!  They couldn’t have all turned against him, so why punish everyone?  Pathetic and lazy attitude.

    16 And he will give Israel up because of the sins Jeroboam has committed and has caused Israel to commit.”

    17 Then Jeroboam’s wife got up and left and went to Tirzah. As soon as she stepped over the threshold of the house, the boy died.

    18 They buried him, and all Israel mourned for him, as the LORD had said through his servant the prophet Ahijah.

    19 The other events of Jeroboam’s reign, his wars and how he ruled, are written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel.

    20 He reigned for twenty-two years and then rested with his ancestors. And Nadab his son succeeded him as king.

    This is of course if God allows him to rest.  Can’t really trust that guy you know.

    Rehoboam King of Judah

    21 Rehoboam son of Solomon was king in Judah. He was forty-one years old when he became king, and he reigned seventeen years in Jerusalem, the city the LORD had chosen out of all the tribes of Israel in which to put his Name. His mother’s name was Naamah; she was an Ammonite.

    22 Judah did evil in the eyes of the LORD. By the sins they committed they stirred up his jealous anger more than those who were before them had done.

    23 They also set up for themselves high places, sacred stones and Asherah poles on every high hill and under every spreading tree.

    This is unbelievable in the extreme.  If the people knew, as they would have, that God had cursed them all due to the errors of the past, they would have changed and not allowed the curse to continue.  Or is this once again God sticking his nose in and making them behave in this manner just to satisfy his own twisted sense of humour?

    24 There were even male shrine prostitutes in the land; the people engaged in all the detestable practices of the nations the LORD had driven out before the Israelites.

    Detestable to whom?  Only God seemingly.  The previous people didn’t mind. The Israelites there now don’t seem to mind.  So who has the problem?

    25 In the fifth year of King Rehoboam, Shishak king of Egypt attacked Jerusalem.

    At whose bidding?

    26 He carried off the treasures of the temple of the LORD and the treasures of the royal palace. He took everything, including all the gold shields Solomon had made.

    As this was foretold by God himself, I’d say it was at God’s bidding.  So why are the Egyptians getting the blame?

    27 So King Rehoboam made bronze shields to replace them and assigned these to the commanders of the guard on duty at the entrance to the royal palace.

    28 Whenever the king went to the LORD’s temple, the guards bore the shields, and afterward they returned them to the guardroom.

    29 As for the other events of Rehoboam’s reign, and all he did, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah?

    30 There was continual warfare between Rehoboam and Jeroboam.

    Whose fault is that?  God’s fault as usual.

    31 And Rehoboam rested with his ancestors and was buried with them in the City of David. His mother’s name was Naamah; she was an Ammonite. And Abijah his son succeeded him as king.

    And a partridge in a pear tree.  Why did I say that?  Doesn’t make any difference why.  Nothing in this book seems to.

    << 1-Kings 13       Index      1-Kings 15 >>

     

← Older posts

c
compose new post
j
next post/next comment
k
previous post/previous comment
r
reply
e
edit
o
show/hide comments
t
go to top
l
go to login
h
show/hide help
shift + esc
cancel