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  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 24, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel: The Post Mortem 

    1-Samuel: What was it all about?

    Well, that was a slightly more interesting story than Ruth. With this we had Samuel through to Saul through to David.  Saul and David being the main players.  Why God would tell Samuel to make Saul the King when he would have known that he was the wrong choice is beyond me.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m not all knowing and don’t pretend to be as opposed to this petulant freak we call God.  How this book can continue to say God is all knowing, all wise, all powerful while at the same time proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is nothing of the kind leaves me bewildered.  People read this tome daily.  They preach from it daily.  They teach it to our children daily.  And yet, while reading it they must somehow turn off that portion of the brain that leads the rest of us to think for ourselves and see how dangerous this book really is to a civilised and modern society.

    How can we ever expect to move forward into the future with a positive outlook while at the same time keeping ourselves chained like slaves to, among other things, a superstitious, lawless, genocidal, bigoted past?

    When you read section after section that Saul is tormented daily by God’s tormentors, pushed into slavishly pursuing David for no other reason than God’s amusement, to then be persuaded to give up the chase and change his mind again the following day, it just becomes a joke.  Think about it for a second.  If you were pissed off at someone and you chased them around the desert until you finally caught up with them and they were unarmed, you had a sword or spear and they kept insulting you, would you let them go?  No?  Of course not.  But this book expects us to believe that Saul would do just that in the face of David’s insults.  Do you want to believe it is because that is what God wanted him to do?  Ok, believe that, but explain it to me.  What is the payoff to anyone to have them behave in this manner?  Where is the moral teaching behind it?  The only story here is to stay the hell away from religion before it sends you around the twist and has you locked up in a rubber room somewhere.

    In one section it tells you David had three wives and in another it tells you he only had two.  One person, Jonathan, who backed David right from the beginning and was ultimately the cause of David’s life being saved was then killed without anything being done by God to save him.  What good did it do Jonathan to be a believer?

    To finish off I’d like to ask yet again, what good it does anyone, even God, to have so many people being killed day after day, week after week, year after year?  Even the Israelites aren’t being allowed to live in peace.  The millions they’ve killed certainly haven’t benefited.  The slaves they’ve captured haven’t thrown any parties and thanked anyone for being held captive and worked to death day after day.  The women/girls they capture and rape aren’t sending out messages of appreciation.  It’s no better from the other side of the equation either.  The Philistines are just as bad.  It’s just one big bloodbath that only seems to be for the amusement of God.  And what god would that be?  They don’t all believe in the same god.  Is there a whole plethora of the bastards up there in the sky playing some kind of wargame with us as the game pieces?  Millions dying in wars, earthquakes, plagues, fires, floods, famines and just for their amusement?

    Get over yourselves people.  It’s a book.  A badly written book with nothing to back it up.  Put the stupid thing down, back away from it and never pick it up again.  You and the rest of the world will be better of for it.

    << 1-Samuel 31      Index      2-Samuel 1 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 23, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 31: God goes on a holiday. 

    1-Samuel: Part 31 of 31
    Saul Takes His Life

    1 Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell dead on Mount Gilboa.

    Where was God?  He allowed this?

    2 The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua.

    Jonathan was the one who protected David, which should have pleased God.  Why wasn’t he saved?

    3 The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically.

    4 Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.”

    But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it.

    Suicide is ok?

    5 When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him.

    6 So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day.

    And verily, God didn’t giveth a crap.

    7 When the Israelites along the valley and those across the Jordan saw that the Israelite army had fled and that Saul and his sons had died, they abandoned their towns and fled. And the Philistines came and occupied them.

    8 The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa.

    9 They cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and they sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news in the temple of their idols and among their people.

    And still God does nothing.

    10 They put his armor in the temple of the Ashtoreths and fastened his body to the wall of Beth Shan.

    11 When the people of Jabesh Gilead heard what the Philistines had done to Saul,

    12 all their valiant men marched through the night to Beth Shan. They took down the bodies of Saul and his sons from the wall of Beth Shan and went to Jabesh, where they burned them.

    13 Then they took their bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree at Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.

    That’s unlikely to help them in their upcoming battles to take back this land and avenge Saul.  Stupid book.

    << 1-Samuel 30 Index 1-Samuel: The Post Mortem >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 22, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 30: Being the second to commit the same crime doesn’t make you the moral one. 

    1-Samuel: Part 30 of 31
    David Destroys the Amalekites

    1 David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it,

    2 and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them, but carried them off as they went on their way.

    3 When David and his men reached Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive.

    4 So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.

    5 David’s two wives had been captured—Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel.

    6 David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.

    Why? If God cared, wouldn’t he have saved their wives and children? We all know actions speak louder than words, so this ‘god is so freaking good’ and ‘I take strength from God’ crap isn’t worth shit.  He needs to take decisive action and actually help people.  Taking credit when they achieve something and blaming them for their shortcomings when they fail is just useless.  As is God.

    7 Then David said to Abiathar the priest, the son of Ahimelek, “Bring me the ephod.” Abiathar brought it to him,

    8 and David inquired of the LORD, “Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?”

    “Pursue them,” he answered. “You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.”

    9 David and the six hundred men with him came to the Besor Valley, where some stayed behind.

    10 Two hundred of them were too exhausted to cross the valley, but David and the other four hundred continued the pursuit.

    11 They found an Egyptian in a field and brought him to David. They gave him water to drink and food to eat—

    12 part of a cake of pressed figs and two cakes of raisins. He ate and was revived, for he had not eaten any food or drunk any water for three days and three nights.

    13 David asked him, “Who do you belong to? Where do you come from?”

    He said, “I am an Egyptian, the slave of an Amalekite. My master abandoned me when I became ill three days ago.

    14 We raided the Negev of the Kerethites, some territory belonging to Judah and the Negev of Caleb. And we burned Ziklag.”

    15 David asked him, “Can you lead me down to this raiding party?”

    He answered, “Swear to me before God that you will not kill me or hand me over to my master, and I will take you down to them.”

    Why doesn’t God just show them the way?

    16 He led David down, and there they were, scattered over the countryside, eating, drinking and reveling because of the great amount of plunder they had taken from the land of the Philistines and from Judah.

    17 David fought them from dusk until the evening of the next day, and none of them got away, except four hundred young men who rode off on camels and fled.

    18 David recovered everything the Amalekites had taken, including his two wives.

    19 Nothing was missing: young or old, boy or girl, plunder or anything else they had taken. David brought everything back.

    20 He took all the flocks and herds, and his men drove them ahead of the other livestock, saying, “This is David’s plunder.”

    21 Then David came to the two hundred men who had been too exhausted to follow him and who were left behind at the Besor Valley. They came out to meet David and the men with him. As David and his men approached, he asked them how they were.

    22 But all the evil men and troublemakers among David’s followers said, “Because they did not go out with us, we will not share with them the plunder we recovered. However, each man may take his wife and children and go.”

    23 David replied, “No, my brothers, you must not do that with what the LORD has given us. He has protected us and delivered into our hands the raiding party that came against us.

    How did God do this?  What evidence have you?  Again, saying it doesn’t make it so.

    24 Who will listen to what you say? The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike.”

    25 David made this a statute and ordinance for Israel from that day to this.

    26 When David reached Ziklag, he sent some of the plunder to the elders of Judah, who were his friends, saying, “Here is a gift for you from the plunder of the LORD’s enemies.”

    27 David sent it to those who were in Bethel, Ramoth Negev and Jattir;

    28 to those in Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa

    29 and Rakal; to those in the towns of the Jerahmeelites and the Kenites;

    30 to those in Hormah, Bor Ashan, Athak

    31 and Hebron; and to those in all the other places where he and his men had roamed.

    Which makes you no better than your enemy.  They raid and take plunder; you raid and take plunder.

    << 1-Samuel 29       Index      1-Samuel 31 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 21, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 29: Don’t trust him, send him back. I like him, he stays. No, send him back. Ok. David? Bugger off! 

    1-Samuel: Part 29 of 31
    Achish Sends David Back to Ziklag

    1 The Philistines gathered all their forces at Aphek, and Israel camped by the spring in Jezreel.

    What brought about this battle?

    2 As the Philistine rulers marched with their units of hundreds and thousands, David and his men were marching at the rear with Achish.

    3 The commanders of the Philistines asked, “What about these Hebrews?”

    Achish replied, “Is this not David, who was an officer of Saul king of Israel? He has already been with me for over a year, and from the day he left Saul until now, I have found no fault in him.”

    4 But the Philistine commanders were angry with Achish and said, “Send the man back, that he may return to the place you assigned him. He must not go with us into battle, or he will turn against us during the fighting. How better could he regain his master’s favor than by taking the heads of our own men?

    You can’t blame them. If he could turn against his own, they have good reason to suspect he might turn against them.

    5 Isn’t this the David they sang about in their dances:

    “‘Saul has slain his thousands,
    and David his tens of thousands’?”

    6 So Achish called David and said to him, “As surely as the LORD lives, you have been reliable, and I would be pleased to have you serve with me in the army. From the day you came to me until today, I have found no fault in you, but the rulers don’t approve of you.

    7 Now turn back and go in peace; do nothing to displease the Philistine rulers.”

    8 “But what have I done?” asked David. “What have you found against your servant from the day I came to you until now? Why can’t I go and fight against the enemies of my lord the king?”

    9 Achish answered, “I know that you have been as pleasing in my eyes as an angel of God; nevertheless, the Philistine commanders have said, ‘He must not go up with us into battle.’

    10 Now get up early, along with your master’s servants who have come with you, and leave in the morning as soon as it is light.”

    11 So David and his men got up early in the morning to go back to the land of the Philistines, and the Philistines went up to Jezreel.

    Boring, boring, boring, but will probably lead to more senseless slaughter in the next two nights before the end of 1-Samuel.

    << 1-Samuel 28       Index      1-Samuel 30 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 20, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 28: Now be a good boy Saul and eat it all up or you won’t get dessert Saul. 

    1-Samuel: Part 28 of 31

    1 In those days the Philistines gathered their forces to fight against Israel. Achish said to David, “You must understand that you and your men will accompany me in the army.”

    Why?

    2 David said, “Then you will see for yourself what your servant can do.”

    Achish replied, “Very well, I will make you my bodyguard for life.”

    Saul and the Medium at Endor

    3 Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had mourned for him and buried him in his own town of Ramah. Saul had expelled the mediums and spiritists from the land.

    4 The Philistines assembled and came and set up camp at Shunem, while Saul gathered all Israel and set up camp at Gilboa.

    5 When Saul saw the Philistine army, he was afraid; terror filled his heart.

    6 He inquired of the LORD, but the LORD did not answer him by dreams or Urim or prophets.

    7 Saul then said to his attendants, “Find me a woman who is a medium, so I may go and inquire of her.”

    “There is one in Endor,” they said.

    8 So Saul disguised himself, putting on other clothes, and at night he and two men went to the woman. “Consult a spirit for me,” he said, “and bring up for me the one I name.”

    God allows these morons to exist?

    9 But the woman said to him, “Surely you know what Saul has done. He has cut off the mediums and spiritists from the land. Why have you set a trap for my life to bring about my death?”

    10 Saul swore to her by the LORD, “As surely as the LORD lives, you will not be punished for this.”

    11 Then the woman asked, “Whom shall I bring up for you?”

    “Bring up Samuel,” he said.

    12 When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out at the top of her voice and said to Saul, “Why have you deceived me? You are Saul!”

    Yeah, he’s pretty good at that.

    13 The king said to her, “Don’t be afraid. What do you see?”

    The woman said, “I see a ghostly figure coming up out of the earth.”

    14 “What does he look like?” he asked.

    “An old man wearing a robe is coming up,” she said.

    Just how many ghostly looking old men had died prior to this night?

    Then Saul knew it was Samuel, and he bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.

    How did he know?

    15 Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?”

    “I am in great distress,” Saul said. “The Philistines are fighting against me, and God has departed from me. He no longer answers me, either by prophets or by dreams. So I have called on you to tell me what to do.”

    16 Samuel said, “Why do you consult me, now that the LORD has departed from you and become your enemy?

    17 The LORD has done what he predicted through me. The LORD has torn the kingdom out of your hands and given it to one of your neighbors—to David.

    18 Because you did not obey the LORD or carry out his fierce wrath against the Amalekites, the LORD has done this to you today.

    Fierce wrath?  But he’s supposed to be a kind, loving and merciful god?

    19 The LORD will deliver both Israel and you into the hands of the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your sons will be with me. The LORD will also give the army of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.”

    20 Immediately Saul fell full length on the ground, filled with fear because of Samuel’s words. His strength was gone, for he had eaten nothing all that day and all that night.

    21 When the woman came to Saul and saw that he was greatly shaken, she said, “Look, your servant has obeyed you. I took my life in my hands and did what you told me to do.

    22 Now please listen to your servant and let me give you some food so you may eat and have the strength to go on your way.”

    23 He refused and said, “I will not eat.”

    But his men joined the woman in urging him, and he listened to them. He got up from the ground and sat on the couch.

    24 The woman had a fattened calf at the house, which she butchered at once. She took some flour, kneaded it and baked bread without yeast.

    25 Then she set it before Saul and his men, and they ate. That same night they got up and left.

    Did they offer to help clean up before they left like good guests should? What has this got to do with anything?

    << 1-Samuel 27       Index      1-Samuel 29 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 19, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 27: How many mass murderers can you fit in one book? 

    1-Samuel: Part 27 of 31
    David Among the Philistines

    1 But David thought to himself, “One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will give up searching for me anywhere in Israel, and I will slip out of his hand.”

    So David not only didn’t trust Saul, but he didn’t trust God to keep him safe either.

    2 So David and the six hundred men with him left and went over to Achish son of Maok king of Gath.

    3 David and his men settled in Gath with Achish. Each man had his family with him, and David had his two wives: Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail of Carmel, the widow of Nabal.

    4 When Saul was told that David had fled to Gath, he no longer searched for him.

    5 Then David said to Achish, “If I have found favor in your eyes, let a place be assigned to me in one of the country towns, that I may live there. Why should your servant live in the royal city with you?”

    6 So on that day Achish gave him Ziklag, and it has belonged to the kings of Judah ever since.

    7 David lived in Philistine territory a year and four months.

    8 Now David and his men went up and raided the Geshurites, the Girzites and the Amalekites. (From ancient times these peoples had lived in the land extending to Shur and Egypt.)

    Why raid them?  What did they do wrong to deserve to be treated like that?

    9 Whenever David attacked an area, he did not leave a man or woman alive, but took sheep and cattle, donkeys and camels, and clothes. Then he returned to Achish.

    That’s not very nice.

    10 When Achish asked, “Where did you go raiding today?” David would say, “Against the Negev of Judah” or “Against the Negev of Jerahmeel” or “Against the Negev of the Kenites.”

    So he lied to the King.

    11 He did not leave a man or woman alive to be brought to Gath, for he thought, “They might inform on us and say, ‘This is what David did.’” And such was his practice as long as he lived in Philistine territory.

    So when it’s all said and done, David was no more than a cruel, heartless mass murderer like so many others in this bloodsoaked book.

    12 Achish trusted David and said to himself, “He has become so obnoxious to his people, the Israelites, that he will be my servant for life.”

    Dream on.

    << 1-Samuel 26       Index      1-Samuel 28 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 18, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Samuel, , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Samuel 26: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Super David!!! 

    1-Samuel: Part 26 of 31
    David Again Spares Saul’s Life

    1 The Ziphites went to Saul at Gibeah and said, “Is not David hiding on the hill of Hakilah, which faces Jeshimon?”

    I don’t see why he’d be hiding.  Saul and David made peace did they not?

    2 So Saul went down to the Desert of Ziph, with his three thousand select Israelite troops, to search there for David.

    Ok, what caused this turn of events?

    3 Saul made his camp beside the road on the hill of Hakilah facing Jeshimon, but David stayed in the wilderness. When he saw that Saul had followed him there,

    4 he sent out scouts and learned that Saul had definitely arrived.

    David ‘saw’ Saul but sent troops to find out if he had definitely arrived?  Retarded book with a retarded story about retarded people! Ok, I refuse to allow this idiotic book to dumb me down.  I will NOT fall for this crap.  But, it does show how freaking much people must give up their own ability to think for themselves if they can read this rubbish and just say ‘yes, I understand, this is the truth and the way’!

    5 Then David set out and went to the place where Saul had camped. He saw where Saul and Abner son of Ner, the commander of the army, had lain down. Saul was lying inside the camp, with the army encamped around him.

    Laying down in the middle of three thousand troops and David can still see him in the middle of the night?  Oh sorry, he had God helping him with supervision I suppose.

    6 David then asked Ahimelek the Hittite and Abishai son of Zeruiah, Joab’s brother, “Who will go down into the camp with me to Saul?”

    Down into the camp?  So they weren’t even close and they could see that well?

    “I’ll go with you,” said Abishai.

    7 So David and Abishai went to the army by night, and there was Saul, lying asleep inside the camp with his spear stuck in the ground near his head. Abner and the soldiers were lying around him.

    If they could see as well as this book is making out, how could they get past the sentries?  No, don’t tell me.  God helped by giving David supersneaky powers.

    8 Abishai said to David, “Today God has delivered your enemy into your hands. Now let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of the spear; I won’t strike him twice.”

    How come they are enemies?  Go back to 1-Samuel 25 and have a read.  They made up.

    9 But David said to Abishai, “Don’t destroy him! Who can lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed and be guiltless?

    How about the Lord himself?  He’s a freaking hypocrite and would not mind doing it.

    10 As surely as the LORD lives,” he said, “the LORD himself will strike him, or his time will come and he will die, or he will go into battle and perish.

    11 But the LORD forbid that I should lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed. Now get the spear and water jug that are near his head, and let’s go.”

    They are talking when they are in the middle of three thousand handpicked soldiers and right next to Saul?  And they weren’t heard?  Nobody woke up? Oh yeah, that’s right.  God must have given them supersilent voices that they could still hear.  Onya God.

    12 So David took the spear and water jug near Saul’s head, and they left. No one saw or knew about it, nor did anyone wake up. They were all sleeping, because the LORD had put them into a deep sleep.

    It looks like he has superstupidity as well.  He just told Abishai to get the Spear and Jug, but picked them up himself straight away.  Aha, it was God.  He spiked their Kool-Aid!! But how did David know that?  I suppose you just have to take it as implied.  So much of this idiot book is ‘implied’!

    13 Then David crossed over to the other side and stood on top of the hill some distance away; there was a wide space between them.

    14 He called out to the army and to Abner son of Ner, “Aren’t you going to answer me, Abner?”

    Abner replied, “Who are you who calls to the king?”

    Hey, God put them into a deep sleep.  How did Abner hear that?  Make up your minds.

    15 David said, “You’re a man, aren’t you? And who is like you in Israel? Why didn’t you guard your lord the king? Someone came to destroy your lord the king.

    16 What you have done is not good. As surely as the LORD lives, you and your men must die, because you did not guard your master, the LORD’s anointed. Look around you. Where are the king’s spear and water jug that were near his head?”

    17 Saul recognized David’s voice and said, “Is that your voice, David my son?”

    David replied, “Yes it is, my lord the king.”

    18 And he added, “Why is my lord pursuing his servant? What have I done, and what wrong am I guilty of?

    That’s easy.  You made Saul look like a big pansy.

    19 Now let my lord the king listen to his servant’s words. If the LORD has incited you against me, then may he accept an offering. If, however, people have done it, may they be cursed before the LORD! They have driven me today from my share in the LORD’s inheritance and have said, ‘Go, serve other gods.’

    20 Now do not let my blood fall to the ground far from the presence of the LORD. The king of Israel has come out to look for a flea—as one hunts a partridge in the mountains.”

    21 Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Come back, David my son. Because you considered my life precious today, I will not try to harm you again. Surely I have acted like a fool and have been terribly wrong.”

    Isn’t this no different from the previous section where David spared his life and yet here we are going through it all again?  How could you trust Saul?

    22 “Here is the king’s spear,” David answered. “Let one of your young men come over and get it.

    23 The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness. The LORD delivered you into my hands today, but I would not lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed.

    24 As surely as I valued your life today, so may the LORD value my life and deliver me from all trouble.”

    25 Then Saul said to David, “May you be blessed, David my son; you will do great things and surely triumph.”

    So David went on his way, and Saul returned home.

    For how long I wonder?

    << 1-Samuel 25       Index      1-Samuel 27 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 17, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Samuel, , bigamy, , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Samuel 25: Send me my wife! No, not that one. Not than one either. The other one. 

    1-Samuel: Part 25 of 31
    David, Nabal and Abigail

    1 Now Samuel died, and all Israel assembled and mourned for him; and they buried him at his home in Ramah. Then David moved down into the Desert of Paran.

    2 A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel.

    3 His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings—he was a Calebite.

    4 While David was in the wilderness, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep.

    5 So he sent ten young men and said to them, “Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name.

    6 Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours!

    7 “‘Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing.

    8 Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’”

    9 When David’s men arrived, they gave Nabal this message in David’s name. Then they waited.

    10 Nabal answered David’s servants, “Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days.

    11 Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?”

    12 David’s men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word.

    13 David said to his men, “Each of you strap on your sword!” So they did, and David strapped his on as well. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies.

    14 One of the servants told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, “David sent messengers from the wilderness to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them.

    15 Yet these men were very good to us. They did not mistreat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing.

    16 Night and day they were a wall around us the whole time we were herding our sheep near them.

    17 Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.”

    18 Abigail acted quickly. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys.

    19 Then she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.” But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

    Isn’t there some rule about honouring thy husband?

    20 As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them.

    21 David had just said, “It’s been useless—all my watching over this fellow’s property in the wilderness so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good.

    22 May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!”

    Oh, that’s nice.  One guy has a bad attitude and you want to kill every male in sight.  Moron.

    23 When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground.

    24 She fell at his feet and said: “Pardon your servant, my lord, and let me speak to you; hear what your servant has to say.

    25 Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent.

    26 And now, my lord, as surely as the LORD your God lives and as you live, since the LORD has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming my lord be like Nabal.

    27 And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my lord, be given to the men who follow you.

    Bribe is what you call it.  Not that I blame you.

    28 “Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The LORD your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the LORD’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.

    If God could be so wrong about Saul, how can these mortals think they know so much?

    29 Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the LORD your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling.

    30 When the LORD has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel,

    31 my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the LORD your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.”

    32 David said to Abigail, “Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me.

    33 May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands.

    If you are as good as this stupid book makes out, you wouldn’t need anyone to tell you how to act.

    34 Otherwise, as surely as the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.”

    35 Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, “Go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request.”

    36 When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing at all until daybreak.

    37 Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone.

    38 About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died.

    Why was this necessary?

    39 When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, “Praise be to the LORD, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal’s wrongdoing down on his own head.”

    Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife.

    Now we see why it was necessary.

    40 His servants went to Carmel and said to Abigail, “David has sent us to you to take you to become his wife.”

    41 She bowed down with her face to the ground and said, “I am your servant and am ready to serve you and wash the feet of my lord’s servants.”

    42 Abigail quickly got on a donkey and, attended by her five female servants, went with David’s messengers and became his wife.

    43 David had also married Ahinoam of Jezreel, and they both were his wives.

    So bigamy isn’t against the rules as far as the bible is concerned huh?  Doesn’t surprise me.

    44 But Saul had given his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to Paltiel son of Laish, who was from Gallim.

    So David had three wives? Abigail, Ahinoam and Michal?  Saul had given David’s wife to another man?  This book just get’s worse by the day.

    << 1-Samuel 24       Index       1-Samuel 26 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 16, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Samuel, , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Samuel 24: Can we order some more facepalms? I just ran out! 

    1-Samuel: Part 24 of 31
    David Spares Saul’s Life

    1 After Saul returned from pursuing the Philistines, he was told, “David is in the Desert of En Gedi.”

    2 So Saul took three thousand able young men from all Israel and set out to look for David and his men near the Crags of the Wild Goats.

    3 He came to the sheep pens along the way; a cave was there, and Saul went in to relieve himself. David and his men were far back in the cave.

    4 The men said, “This is the day the LORD spoke of when he said to you, ‘I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.’” Then David crept up unnoticed and cut off a corner of Saul’s robe.

    5 Afterward, David was conscience-stricken for having cut off a corner of his robe.

    They’ll kill untold thousands of men, women and children, but have a conscience attack over this?

    Facepalm

    6 He said to his men, “The LORD forbid that I should do such a thing to my master, the LORD’s anointed, or lay my hand on him; for he is the anointed of the LORD.”

    7 With these words David sharply rebuked his men and did not allow them to attack Saul. And Saul left the cave and went his way.

    8 Then David went out of the cave and called out to Saul, “My lord the king!” When Saul looked behind him, David bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.

    9 He said to Saul, “Why do you listen when men say, ‘David is bent on harming you’?

    10 This day you have seen with your own eyes how the LORD delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, ‘I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the LORD’s anointed.’

    11 See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. See that there is nothing in my hand to indicate that I am guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life.

    12 May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.

    God is the last person you want judging you.  He is so volatile you never know which way he’ll swing.

    13 As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you.

    That doesn’t give you pause over your own actions?

    14 “Against whom has the king of Israel come out? Who are you pursuing? A dead dog? A flea?

    Wow, that’s a good way to piss off the guy who is trying to kill you.  Insult the guy again why don’t you?

    15 May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand.”

    That would be more likely to annoy Saul to the point of running you through instead of sparing your life.

    16 When David finished saying this, Saul asked, “Is that your voice, David my son?” And he wept aloud.

    17 “You are more righteous than I,” he said. “You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly.

    Oh, give me strength.  Saul WANTS David dead. David ANNOYS Saul. Saul forgives him?

    Facepalm

    18 You have just now told me about the good you did to me; the LORD delivered me into your hands, but you did not kill me.

    19 When a man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the LORD reward you well for the way you treated me today.

    20 I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands.

    21 Now swear to me by the LORD that you will not kill off my descendants or wipe out my name from my father’s family.”

    22 So David gave his oath to Saul. Then Saul returned home, but David and his men went up to the stronghold.

    They probably had a good drink and laughed themselves silly at how ridiculous Saul was to let them all go.

    << 1-Samuel 23       Index      1-Samuel 25 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 15, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: 1-Samuel, , , , , , , , , ,   

    1-Samuel 23: Saul and David play ‘Hide and Seek’. 

    1-Samuel: Part 23 of 31
    David Saves Keilah

    1 When David was told, “Look, the Philistines are fighting against Keilah and are looting the threshing floors,”

    If they were fighting them, then people would have been dying.

    2 he inquired of the LORD, saying, “Shall I go and attack these Philistines?”

    The LORD answered him, “Go, attack the Philistines and save Keilah.”

    Which wouldn’t have been necessary if people hadn’t have been dying.

    3 But David’s men said to him, “Here in Judah we are afraid. How much more, then, if we go to Keilah against the Philistine forces!”

    4 Once again David inquired of the LORD, and the LORD answered him, “Go down to Keilah, for I am going to give the Philistines into your hand.”

    5 So David and his men went to Keilah, fought the Philistines and carried off their livestock. He inflicted heavy losses on the Philistines and saved the people of Keilah.

    No, he saved ‘some’ of the people of Keilah.

    6 (Now Abiathar son of Ahimelek had brought the ephod down with him when he fled to David at Keilah.)

    Saul Pursues David

    7 Saul was told that David had gone to Keilah, and he said, “God has delivered him into my hands, for David has imprisoned himself by entering a town with gates and bars.”

    8 And Saul called up all his forces for battle, to go down to Keilah to besiege David and his men.

    9 When David learned that Saul was plotting against him, he said to Abiathar the priest, “Bring the ephod.”

    10 David said, “LORD, God of Israel, your servant has heard definitely that Saul plans to come to Keilah and destroy the town on account of me.

    11 Will the citizens of Keilah surrender me to him? Will Saul come down, as your servant has heard? LORD, God of Israel, tell your servant.”

    And the LORD said, “He will.”

    So why doesn’t God stop Saul?

    12 Again David asked, “Will the citizens of Keilah surrender me and my men to Saul?”

    And the LORD said, “They will.”

    Again, why doesn’t God do something?

    13 So David and his men, about six hundred in number, left Keilah and kept moving from place to place. When Saul was told that David had escaped from Keilah, he did not go there.

    14 David stayed in the wilderness strongholds and in the hills of the Desert of Ziph. Day after day Saul searched for him, but God did not give David into his hands.

    15 While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life.

    16 And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.

    With David already talking directly to God as you read above, what need is there for Jonathan to be ‘helping’?

    17 “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.”

    18 The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh.

    19 The Ziphites went up to Saul at Gibeah and said, “Is not David hiding among us in the strongholds at Horesh, on the hill of Hakilah, south of Jeshimon?

    They ‘ask’ the question?  Freaking dumb book!!

    20 Now, Your Majesty, come down whenever it pleases you to do so, and we will be responsible for giving him into your hands.”

    21 Saul replied, “The LORD bless you for your concern for me.

    22 Go and get more information. Find out where David usually goes and who has seen him there. They tell me he is very crafty.

    Who is ‘they’?

    23 Find out about all the hiding places he uses and come back to me with definite information. Then I will go with you; if he is in the area, I will track him down among all the clans of Judah.”

    24 So they set out and went to Ziph ahead of Saul. Now David and his men were in the Desert of Maon, in the Arabah south of Jeshimon.

    25 Saul and his men began the search, and when David was told about it, he went down to the rock and stayed in the Desert of Maon. When Saul heard this, he went into the Desert of Maon in pursuit of David.

    As you do.

    26 Saul was going along one side of the mountain, and David and his men were on the other side, hurrying to get away from Saul. As Saul and his forces were closing in on David and his men to capture them,

    27 a messenger came to Saul, saying, “Come quickly! The Philistines are raiding the land.”

    28 Then Saul broke off his pursuit of David and went to meet the Philistines. That is why they call this place Sela Hammahlekoth.

    They should have called it ‘Saul is a dumb bastard’!

    29 And David went up from there and lived in the strongholds of En Gedi.

    I hate these ‘to be continued’ sections.  :(

    << 1-Samuel 22       Index      1-Samuel 24 >>

     

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