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  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 25, 2011 Permalink
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    2 Samuel 1: The next time a King asks you to kill him, pretend you’re deaf and walk away. 

    2-Samuel: Part 1 of 24
    David Hears of Saul’s Death

    1 After the death of Saul, David returned from striking down the Amalekites and stayed in Ziklag two days.

    As you do when you’re tired from so much bloodthirsty activity.  It does take it’s toll you know.

    2 On the third day a man arrived from Saul’s camp with his clothes torn and dust on his head. When he came to David, he fell to the ground to pay him honor.

    It says they stayed in Ziklag two days and this guy arrives on the third day.  There would be nobody there to talk to.  Stupid book.

    3 “Where have you come from?” David asked him.

    He answered, “I have escaped from the Israelite camp.”

    Or, “I ran away from the battle”.

    4 “What happened?” David asked. “Tell me.”

    “The men fled from the battle,” he replied. “Many of them fell and died. And Saul and his son Jonathan are dead.”

    5 Then David said to the young man who brought him the report, “How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan are dead?”

    6 “I happened to be on Mount Gilboa,” the young man said, “and there was Saul, leaning on his spear, with the chariots and their drivers in hot pursuit.

    Pursuit to me means movement by both pursued and pursuer.  If Saul was leaning on his spear, then they weren’t in ‘hot pursuit’.  Someone is taking a little too much literary licence here.  :)

    7 When he turned around and saw me, he called out to me, and I said, ‘What can I do?’

    8 “He asked me, ‘Who are you?’

    “‘An Amalekite,’ I answered.

    An Amalekite; one of the people David has been slaughtering all this time.

    9 “Then he said to me, ‘Stand here by me and kill me! I’m in the throes of death, but I’m still alive.’

    10 “So I stood beside him and killed him, because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord.”

    11 Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them.

    Picture this.  Think about what it would look like for six hundred battle hardened warriors to be acting in this fashion.

    12 They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and for the nation of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.

    Add crying into the picture and think about what that would look like.  Is there really any belief that this happened?  Really?

    13 David said to the young man who brought him the report, “Where are you from?”

    “I am the son of a foreigner, an Amalekite,” he answered.

    14 David asked him, “Why weren’t you afraid to lift your hand to destroy the LORD’s anointed?”

    Maybe because it was the Lord’s anointed that ordered him to do the deed?

    15 Then David called one of his men and said, “Go, strike him down!” So he struck him down, and he died.

    Well, there’s appreciation for you.  The guy did what he was asked to do by the King and then gets assassinated for his trouble.

    16 For David had said to him, “Your blood be on your own head. Your own mouth testified against you when you said, ‘I killed the LORD’s anointed.’”

    It also testified for him when he told you Saul asked him to perform the deed.  Morons.

    David’s Lament for Saul and Jonathan

    17 David took up this lament concerning Saul and his son Jonathan,

    18 and he ordered that the people of Judah be taught this lament of the bow (it is written in the Book of Jashar):

    19 “A gazelle lies slain on your heights, Israel.
    How the mighty have fallen!

    20 “Tell it not in Gath,
    proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon,
    lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad,
    lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.

    Oh yeah, that’s a lovely line anyone would be proud to have in a song about them.

    21 “Mountains of Gilboa,
    may you have neither dew nor rain,
    may no showers fall on your terraced fields.
    For there the shield of the mighty was despised,
    the shield of Saul—no longer rubbed with oil.

    Well, how about laying blame where it should be?  God caused it.  It was all by his bidding.

    22 “From the blood of the slain,
    from the flesh of the mighty,
    the bow of Jonathan did not turn back,
    the sword of Saul did not return unsatisfied.

    23 Saul and Jonathan—
    in life they were loved and admired,
    and in death they were not parted.
    They were swifter than eagles,
    they were stronger than lions.

    Saul my have been loved, but not by everyone.  Certainly not God.

    24 “Daughters of Israel,
    weep for Saul,
    who clothed you in scarlet and finery,
    who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold.

    25 “How the mighty have fallen in battle!
    Jonathan lies slain on your heights.

    26 I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
    you were very dear to me.
    Your love for me was wonderful,
    more wonderful than that of women.

    If that last line can’t be taken for the bible being in favour of homosexuality,  then there is nothing in the bible that can be taken literally.  At all.

    27 “How the mighty have fallen!
    The weapons of war have perished!”

    If only all weapons of war had perished, we’d be in a far better position today.

    Index       2-Samuel 2 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 24, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel: The Post Mortem 

    1-Samuel: What was it all about?

    Well, that was a slightly more interesting story than Ruth. With this we had Samuel through to Saul through to David.  Saul and David being the main players.  Why God would tell Samuel to make Saul the King when he would have known that he was the wrong choice is beyond me.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m not all knowing and don’t pretend to be as opposed to this petulant freak we call God.  How this book can continue to say God is all knowing, all wise, all powerful while at the same time proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is nothing of the kind leaves me bewildered.  People read this tome daily.  They preach from it daily.  They teach it to our children daily.  And yet, while reading it they must somehow turn off that portion of the brain that leads the rest of us to think for ourselves and see how dangerous this book really is to a civilised and modern society.

    How can we ever expect to move forward into the future with a positive outlook while at the same time keeping ourselves chained like slaves to, among other things, a superstitious, lawless, genocidal, bigoted past?

    When you read section after section that Saul is tormented daily by God’s tormentors, pushed into slavishly pursuing David for no other reason than God’s amusement, to then be persuaded to give up the chase and change his mind again the following day, it just becomes a joke.  Think about it for a second.  If you were pissed off at someone and you chased them around the desert until you finally caught up with them and they were unarmed, you had a sword or spear and they kept insulting you, would you let them go?  No?  Of course not.  But this book expects us to believe that Saul would do just that in the face of David’s insults.  Do you want to believe it is because that is what God wanted him to do?  Ok, believe that, but explain it to me.  What is the payoff to anyone to have them behave in this manner?  Where is the moral teaching behind it?  The only story here is to stay the hell away from religion before it sends you around the twist and has you locked up in a rubber room somewhere.

    In one section it tells you David had three wives and in another it tells you he only had two.  One person, Jonathan, who backed David right from the beginning and was ultimately the cause of David’s life being saved was then killed without anything being done by God to save him.  What good did it do Jonathan to be a believer?

    To finish off I’d like to ask yet again, what good it does anyone, even God, to have so many people being killed day after day, week after week, year after year?  Even the Israelites aren’t being allowed to live in peace.  The millions they’ve killed certainly haven’t benefited.  The slaves they’ve captured haven’t thrown any parties and thanked anyone for being held captive and worked to death day after day.  The women/girls they capture and rape aren’t sending out messages of appreciation.  It’s no better from the other side of the equation either.  The Philistines are just as bad.  It’s just one big bloodbath that only seems to be for the amusement of God.  And what god would that be?  They don’t all believe in the same god.  Is there a whole plethora of the bastards up there in the sky playing some kind of wargame with us as the game pieces?  Millions dying in wars, earthquakes, plagues, fires, floods, famines and just for their amusement?

    Get over yourselves people.  It’s a book.  A badly written book with nothing to back it up.  Put the stupid thing down, back away from it and never pick it up again.  You and the rest of the world will be better of for it.

    << 1-Samuel 31      Index      2-Samuel 1 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 23, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 31: God goes on a holiday. 

    1-Samuel: Part 31 of 31
    Saul Takes His Life

    1 Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell dead on Mount Gilboa.

    Where was God?  He allowed this?

    2 The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua.

    Jonathan was the one who protected David, which should have pleased God.  Why wasn’t he saved?

    3 The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically.

    4 Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.”

    But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it.

    Suicide is ok?

    5 When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him.

    6 So Saul and his three sons and his armor-bearer and all his men died together that same day.

    And verily, God didn’t giveth a crap.

    7 When the Israelites along the valley and those across the Jordan saw that the Israelite army had fled and that Saul and his sons had died, they abandoned their towns and fled. And the Philistines came and occupied them.

    8 The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa.

    9 They cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and they sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news in the temple of their idols and among their people.

    And still God does nothing.

    10 They put his armor in the temple of the Ashtoreths and fastened his body to the wall of Beth Shan.

    11 When the people of Jabesh Gilead heard what the Philistines had done to Saul,

    12 all their valiant men marched through the night to Beth Shan. They took down the bodies of Saul and his sons from the wall of Beth Shan and went to Jabesh, where they burned them.

    13 Then they took their bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree at Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.

    That’s unlikely to help them in their upcoming battles to take back this land and avenge Saul.  Stupid book.

    << 1-Samuel 30 Index 1-Samuel: The Post Mortem >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 19, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 27: How many mass murderers can you fit in one book? 

    1-Samuel: Part 27 of 31
    David Among the Philistines

    1 But David thought to himself, “One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will give up searching for me anywhere in Israel, and I will slip out of his hand.”

    So David not only didn’t trust Saul, but he didn’t trust God to keep him safe either.

    2 So David and the six hundred men with him left and went over to Achish son of Maok king of Gath.

    3 David and his men settled in Gath with Achish. Each man had his family with him, and David had his two wives: Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail of Carmel, the widow of Nabal.

    4 When Saul was told that David had fled to Gath, he no longer searched for him.

    5 Then David said to Achish, “If I have found favor in your eyes, let a place be assigned to me in one of the country towns, that I may live there. Why should your servant live in the royal city with you?”

    6 So on that day Achish gave him Ziklag, and it has belonged to the kings of Judah ever since.

    7 David lived in Philistine territory a year and four months.

    8 Now David and his men went up and raided the Geshurites, the Girzites and the Amalekites. (From ancient times these peoples had lived in the land extending to Shur and Egypt.)

    Why raid them?  What did they do wrong to deserve to be treated like that?

    9 Whenever David attacked an area, he did not leave a man or woman alive, but took sheep and cattle, donkeys and camels, and clothes. Then he returned to Achish.

    That’s not very nice.

    10 When Achish asked, “Where did you go raiding today?” David would say, “Against the Negev of Judah” or “Against the Negev of Jerahmeel” or “Against the Negev of the Kenites.”

    So he lied to the King.

    11 He did not leave a man or woman alive to be brought to Gath, for he thought, “They might inform on us and say, ‘This is what David did.’” And such was his practice as long as he lived in Philistine territory.

    So when it’s all said and done, David was no more than a cruel, heartless mass murderer like so many others in this bloodsoaked book.

    12 Achish trusted David and said to himself, “He has become so obnoxious to his people, the Israelites, that he will be my servant for life.”

    Dream on.

    << 1-Samuel 26       Index      1-Samuel 28 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 18, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 26: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Super David!!! 

    1-Samuel: Part 26 of 31
    David Again Spares Saul’s Life

    1 The Ziphites went to Saul at Gibeah and said, “Is not David hiding on the hill of Hakilah, which faces Jeshimon?”

    I don’t see why he’d be hiding.  Saul and David made peace did they not?

    2 So Saul went down to the Desert of Ziph, with his three thousand select Israelite troops, to search there for David.

    Ok, what caused this turn of events?

    3 Saul made his camp beside the road on the hill of Hakilah facing Jeshimon, but David stayed in the wilderness. When he saw that Saul had followed him there,

    4 he sent out scouts and learned that Saul had definitely arrived.

    David ‘saw’ Saul but sent troops to find out if he had definitely arrived?  Retarded book with a retarded story about retarded people! Ok, I refuse to allow this idiotic book to dumb me down.  I will NOT fall for this crap.  But, it does show how freaking much people must give up their own ability to think for themselves if they can read this rubbish and just say ‘yes, I understand, this is the truth and the way’!

    5 Then David set out and went to the place where Saul had camped. He saw where Saul and Abner son of Ner, the commander of the army, had lain down. Saul was lying inside the camp, with the army encamped around him.

    Laying down in the middle of three thousand troops and David can still see him in the middle of the night?  Oh sorry, he had God helping him with supervision I suppose.

    6 David then asked Ahimelek the Hittite and Abishai son of Zeruiah, Joab’s brother, “Who will go down into the camp with me to Saul?”

    Down into the camp?  So they weren’t even close and they could see that well?

    “I’ll go with you,” said Abishai.

    7 So David and Abishai went to the army by night, and there was Saul, lying asleep inside the camp with his spear stuck in the ground near his head. Abner and the soldiers were lying around him.

    If they could see as well as this book is making out, how could they get past the sentries?  No, don’t tell me.  God helped by giving David supersneaky powers.

    8 Abishai said to David, “Today God has delivered your enemy into your hands. Now let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of the spear; I won’t strike him twice.”

    How come they are enemies?  Go back to 1-Samuel 25 and have a read.  They made up.

    9 But David said to Abishai, “Don’t destroy him! Who can lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed and be guiltless?

    How about the Lord himself?  He’s a freaking hypocrite and would not mind doing it.

    10 As surely as the LORD lives,” he said, “the LORD himself will strike him, or his time will come and he will die, or he will go into battle and perish.

    11 But the LORD forbid that I should lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed. Now get the spear and water jug that are near his head, and let’s go.”

    They are talking when they are in the middle of three thousand handpicked soldiers and right next to Saul?  And they weren’t heard?  Nobody woke up? Oh yeah, that’s right.  God must have given them supersilent voices that they could still hear.  Onya God.

    12 So David took the spear and water jug near Saul’s head, and they left. No one saw or knew about it, nor did anyone wake up. They were all sleeping, because the LORD had put them into a deep sleep.

    It looks like he has superstupidity as well.  He just told Abishai to get the Spear and Jug, but picked them up himself straight away.  Aha, it was God.  He spiked their Kool-Aid!! But how did David know that?  I suppose you just have to take it as implied.  So much of this idiot book is ‘implied’!

    13 Then David crossed over to the other side and stood on top of the hill some distance away; there was a wide space between them.

    14 He called out to the army and to Abner son of Ner, “Aren’t you going to answer me, Abner?”

    Abner replied, “Who are you who calls to the king?”

    Hey, God put them into a deep sleep.  How did Abner hear that?  Make up your minds.

    15 David said, “You’re a man, aren’t you? And who is like you in Israel? Why didn’t you guard your lord the king? Someone came to destroy your lord the king.

    16 What you have done is not good. As surely as the LORD lives, you and your men must die, because you did not guard your master, the LORD’s anointed. Look around you. Where are the king’s spear and water jug that were near his head?”

    17 Saul recognized David’s voice and said, “Is that your voice, David my son?”

    David replied, “Yes it is, my lord the king.”

    18 And he added, “Why is my lord pursuing his servant? What have I done, and what wrong am I guilty of?

    That’s easy.  You made Saul look like a big pansy.

    19 Now let my lord the king listen to his servant’s words. If the LORD has incited you against me, then may he accept an offering. If, however, people have done it, may they be cursed before the LORD! They have driven me today from my share in the LORD’s inheritance and have said, ‘Go, serve other gods.’

    20 Now do not let my blood fall to the ground far from the presence of the LORD. The king of Israel has come out to look for a flea—as one hunts a partridge in the mountains.”

    21 Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Come back, David my son. Because you considered my life precious today, I will not try to harm you again. Surely I have acted like a fool and have been terribly wrong.”

    Isn’t this no different from the previous section where David spared his life and yet here we are going through it all again?  How could you trust Saul?

    22 “Here is the king’s spear,” David answered. “Let one of your young men come over and get it.

    23 The LORD rewards everyone for their righteousness and faithfulness. The LORD delivered you into my hands today, but I would not lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed.

    24 As surely as I valued your life today, so may the LORD value my life and deliver me from all trouble.”

    25 Then Saul said to David, “May you be blessed, David my son; you will do great things and surely triumph.”

    So David went on his way, and Saul returned home.

    For how long I wonder?

    << 1-Samuel 25       Index      1-Samuel 27 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 15, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 23: Saul and David play ‘Hide and Seek’. 

    1-Samuel: Part 23 of 31
    David Saves Keilah

    1 When David was told, “Look, the Philistines are fighting against Keilah and are looting the threshing floors,”

    If they were fighting them, then people would have been dying.

    2 he inquired of the LORD, saying, “Shall I go and attack these Philistines?”

    The LORD answered him, “Go, attack the Philistines and save Keilah.”

    Which wouldn’t have been necessary if people hadn’t have been dying.

    3 But David’s men said to him, “Here in Judah we are afraid. How much more, then, if we go to Keilah against the Philistine forces!”

    4 Once again David inquired of the LORD, and the LORD answered him, “Go down to Keilah, for I am going to give the Philistines into your hand.”

    5 So David and his men went to Keilah, fought the Philistines and carried off their livestock. He inflicted heavy losses on the Philistines and saved the people of Keilah.

    No, he saved ‘some’ of the people of Keilah.

    6 (Now Abiathar son of Ahimelek had brought the ephod down with him when he fled to David at Keilah.)

    Saul Pursues David

    7 Saul was told that David had gone to Keilah, and he said, “God has delivered him into my hands, for David has imprisoned himself by entering a town with gates and bars.”

    8 And Saul called up all his forces for battle, to go down to Keilah to besiege David and his men.

    9 When David learned that Saul was plotting against him, he said to Abiathar the priest, “Bring the ephod.”

    10 David said, “LORD, God of Israel, your servant has heard definitely that Saul plans to come to Keilah and destroy the town on account of me.

    11 Will the citizens of Keilah surrender me to him? Will Saul come down, as your servant has heard? LORD, God of Israel, tell your servant.”

    And the LORD said, “He will.”

    So why doesn’t God stop Saul?

    12 Again David asked, “Will the citizens of Keilah surrender me and my men to Saul?”

    And the LORD said, “They will.”

    Again, why doesn’t God do something?

    13 So David and his men, about six hundred in number, left Keilah and kept moving from place to place. When Saul was told that David had escaped from Keilah, he did not go there.

    14 David stayed in the wilderness strongholds and in the hills of the Desert of Ziph. Day after day Saul searched for him, but God did not give David into his hands.

    15 While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life.

    16 And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.

    With David already talking directly to God as you read above, what need is there for Jonathan to be ‘helping’?

    17 “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.”

    18 The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh.

    19 The Ziphites went up to Saul at Gibeah and said, “Is not David hiding among us in the strongholds at Horesh, on the hill of Hakilah, south of Jeshimon?

    They ‘ask’ the question?  Freaking dumb book!!

    20 Now, Your Majesty, come down whenever it pleases you to do so, and we will be responsible for giving him into your hands.”

    21 Saul replied, “The LORD bless you for your concern for me.

    22 Go and get more information. Find out where David usually goes and who has seen him there. They tell me he is very crafty.

    Who is ‘they’?

    23 Find out about all the hiding places he uses and come back to me with definite information. Then I will go with you; if he is in the area, I will track him down among all the clans of Judah.”

    24 So they set out and went to Ziph ahead of Saul. Now David and his men were in the Desert of Maon, in the Arabah south of Jeshimon.

    25 Saul and his men began the search, and when David was told about it, he went down to the rock and stayed in the Desert of Maon. When Saul heard this, he went into the Desert of Maon in pursuit of David.

    As you do.

    26 Saul was going along one side of the mountain, and David and his men were on the other side, hurrying to get away from Saul. As Saul and his forces were closing in on David and his men to capture them,

    27 a messenger came to Saul, saying, “Come quickly! The Philistines are raiding the land.”

    28 Then Saul broke off his pursuit of David and went to meet the Philistines. That is why they call this place Sela Hammahlekoth.

    They should have called it ‘Saul is a dumb bastard’!

    29 And David went up from there and lived in the strongholds of En Gedi.

    I hate these ‘to be continued’ sections.  :(

    << 1-Samuel 22       Index      1-Samuel 24 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 14, 2011 Permalink
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    1-Samuel 22: Yes, we knew they were all going to die! So? – David and God. 

    1-Samuel: Part 22 of 31
    David at Adullam and Mizpah

    1 David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. When his brothers and his father’s household heard about it, they went down to him there.

    They heard about it, but the King couldn’t find him?

    2 All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their commander. About four hundred men were with him.

    3 From there David went to Mizpah in Moab and said to the king of Moab, “Would you let my father and mother come and stay with you until I learn what God will do for me?”

    4 So he left them with the king of Moab, and they stayed with him as long as David was in the stronghold.

    5 But the prophet Gad said to David, “Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah.” So David left and went to the forest of Hereth.

    No reason given.  That really doesn’t help understand the story.

    Saul Kills the Priests of Nob

    6 Now Saul heard that David and his men had been discovered. And Saul was seated, spear in hand, under the tamarisk tree on the hill at Gibeah, with all his officials standing at his side.

    7 He said to them, “Listen, men of Benjamin! Will the son of Jesse give all of you fields and vineyards? Will he make all of you commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds?

    8 Is that why you have all conspired against me? No one tells me when my son makes a covenant with the son of Jesse. None of you is concerned about me or tells me that my son has incited my servant to lie in wait for me, as he does today.”

    How did Saul find out all these things?

    9 But Doeg the Edomite, who was standing with Saul’s officials, said, “I saw the son of Jesse come to Ahimelek son of Ahitub at Nob.

    Big mouth!

    10 Ahimelek inquired of the LORD for him; he also gave him provisions and the sword of Goliath the Philistine.”

    11 Then the king sent for the priest Ahimelek son of Ahitub and all the men of his family, who were the priests at Nob, and they all came to the king.

    12 Saul said, “Listen now, son of Ahitub.”

    “Yes, my lord,” he answered.

    13 Saul said to him, “Why have you conspired against me, you and the son of Jesse, giving him bread and a sword and inquiring of God for him, so that he has rebelled against me and lies in wait for me, as he does today?”

    14 Ahimelek answered the king, “Who of all your servants is as loyal as David, the king’s son-in-law, captain of your bodyguard and highly respected in your household?

    15 Was that day the first time I inquired of God for him? Of course not! Let not the king accuse your servant or any of his father’s family, for your servant knows nothing at all about this whole affair.”

    16 But the king said, “You will surely die, Ahimelek, you and your whole family.”

    17 Then the king ordered the guards at his side: “Turn and kill the priests of the LORD, because they too have sided with David. They knew he was fleeing, yet they did not tell me.”

    But the king’s officials were unwilling to raise a hand to strike the priests of the LORD.

    18 The king then ordered Doeg, “You turn and strike down the priests.” So Doeg the Edomite turned and struck them down. That day he killed eighty-five men who wore the linen ephod.

    While the kings officials stood by and did nothing?  Eighty five men stood there and let one man kill them all?  Idiotic book!

    19 He also put to the sword Nob, the town of the priests, with its men and women, its children and infants, and its cattle, donkeys and sheep.

    So, explain to me how God, Mr All Knowing, didn’t foresee this atrocity and stop it?

    20 But one son of Ahimelek son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped and fled to join David.

    This book seems to be good at finding just one who gets away and tells all.

    21 He told David that Saul had killed the priests of the LORD.

    22 Then David said to Abiathar, “That day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, I knew he would be sure to tell Saul. I am responsible for the death of your whole family.

    Yeah, so if he knew, why didn’t he do something about it?

    23 Stay with me; don’t be afraid. The man who wants to kill you is trying to kill me too. You will be safe with me.”

    Of course, you’re real good and keeping people safe.  How many was it?  85? This dude is as bad as God himself. They know these terrible things are going to happen, but do nothing to stop them. Moronic book.

    << 1-Samuel 21       Index      1-Samuel 23 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 10, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Saul,   

    1-Samuel 18: Break out the big Wok, we’re going chop chop today. 

    1-Samuel: Part 18 of 31
    Saul’s Growing Fear of David

    1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.

    I’m not sure whether to use the word masturbatory or homosexual here, but either way, the bible frowns upon this sort of activity so I’ve read.

    2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family.

    3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

    Kinky.

    4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

    What did he put on?

    5 Whatever mission Saul sent him on, David was so successful that Saul gave him a high rank in the army. This pleased all the troops, and Saul’s officers as well.

    6 When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres.

    7 As they danced, they sang:

    “Saul has slain his thousands,
    and David his tens of thousands.”

    8 Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?”

    9 And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David.

    Ain’t jealousy a wonderful thing?

    10 The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand

    11 and he hurled it, saying to himself, “I’ll pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice.

    Or in other words, God is causing Saul to do these horrible things.

    12 Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with David but had departed from Saul.

    13 So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David led the troops in their campaigns.

    14 In everything he did he had great success, because the LORD was with him.

    15 When Saul saw how successful he was, he was afraid of him.

    Why even give David the chance to become more popular?  He should have put him in charge of cleaning latrines.

    16 But all Israel and Judah loved David, because he led them in their campaigns.

    17 Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the LORD.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”

    18 But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?”

    19 So when the time came for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.

    20 Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased.

    21 “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”

    22 Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king likes you, and his attendants all love you; now become his son-in-law.’”

    23 They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”

    24 When Saul’s servants told him what David had said,

    25 Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

    Ah, memories.  Chop chop!!

    26 When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed,

    27 David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.

    Now I don’t like David either.  Kill two hundred people, taking their lives as if they mean nothing just to get yourself a wife?  There’s the good old biblical morals we’ve come to know and love.

    28 When Saul realized that the LORD was with David and that his daughter Michal loved David,

    29 Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.

    30 The Philistine commanders continued to go out to battle, and as often as they did, David met with more success than the rest of Saul’s officers, and his name became well known.

    Why would they continue to go out to battle knowing they were always going to lose?  This  makes no sense whatsoever.

    << 1-Samuel 17       Index       1-Samuel 19 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 5, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Saul,   

    1-Samuel 13: Where is God? 

    1-Samuel: Part 13 of 31
    Samuel Rebukes Saul

    1 Saul was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned over Israel forty- two years.

    Cool, but irrelevant nonetheless.

    2 Saul chose three thousand men from Israel; two thousand were with him at Mikmash and in the hill country of Bethel, and a thousand were with Jonathan at Gibeah in Benjamin. The rest of the men he sent back to their homes.

    Chose them for what?  Or needn’t I ask given the Israelites penchant for war?

    3 Jonathan attacked the Philistine outpost at Geba, and the Philistines heard about it. Then Saul had the trumpet blown throughout the land and said, “Let the Hebrews hear!”

    4 So all Israel heard the news: “Saul has attacked the Philistine outpost, and now Israel has become obnoxious to the Philistines.” And the people were summoned to join Saul at Gilgal.

    5 The Philistines assembled to fight Israel, with three thousand chariots, six thousand charioteers, and soldiers as numerous as the sand on the seashore. They went up and camped at Mikmash, east of Beth Aven.

    6 When the Israelites saw that their situation was critical and that their army was hard pressed, they hid in caves and thickets, among the rocks, and in pits and cisterns.

    Where is God?

    7 Some Hebrews even crossed the Jordan to the land of Gad and Gilead. Saul remained at Gilgal, and all the troops with him were quaking with fear.

    Where is God?

    8 He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul’s men began to scatter.

    ?Where is God?

    9 So he said, “Bring me the burnt offering and the fellowship offerings.” And Saul offered up the burnt offering.

    10 Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him.

    11 “What have you done?” asked Samuel.

    Saul replied, “When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Mikmash,

    Set time?  They’d agreed on this and Samuel didn’t keep his side of the agreement?

    12 I thought, ‘Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD’s favor.’ So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering.”

    13 “You have done a foolish thing,” Samuel said. “You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time.

    14 But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him ruler of his people, because you have not kept the LORD’s command.”

    15 Then Samuel left Gilgal and went up to Gibeah in Benjamin, and Saul counted the men who were with him. They numbered about six hundred.

    Where is God?

    Israel Without Weapons

    16 Saul and his son Jonathan and the men with them were staying in Gibeah in Benjamin, while the Philistines camped at Mikmash.

    17 Raiding parties went out from the Philistine camp in three detachments. One turned toward Ophrah in the vicinity of Shual,

    18 another toward Beth Horon, and the third toward the borderland overlooking the Valley of Zeboyim facing the wilderness.

    19 Not a blacksmith could be found in the whole land of Israel, because the Philistines had said, “Otherwise the Hebrews will make swords or spears!”

    20 So all Israel went down to the Philistines to have their plow points, mattocks, axes and sickles sharpened.

    21 The price was two-thirds of a shekel for sharpening plow points and mattocks, and a third of a shekel for sharpening forks and axes and for repointing goads.

    22 So on the day of the battle not a soldier with Saul and Jonathan had a sword or spear in his hand; only Saul and his son Jonathan had them.

    You expect us to believe that after being in Egypt for all that time, then wandering around in the desert for decades, that Israel didn’t have one blacksmith?  Bullshit!  How did they make all their own tools and implements during that time without one?  Again, bullshit!

    Jonathan Attacks the Philistines

    23 Now a detachment of Philistines had gone out to the pass at Mikmash.

    Where is God?

    << 1-Samuel 12       Index      1-Samuel 14 >>

     

  • DistroMan 20:00 on March 2, 2011 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , King, , , , , , Saul,   

    1-Samuel 10: Chance? Not when God’s in charge! 

    1-Samuel: Part 10 of 31

    1 Then Samuel took a flask of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head and kissed him, saying, “Has not the LORD anointed you ruler over his inheritance?

    Pouring oil over the body of a handsome young man and then kissing him?  No wonder we have trouble these days with priests.

    2 When you leave me today, you will meet two men near Rachel’s tomb, at Zelzah on the border of Benjamin. They will say to you, ‘The donkeys you set out to look for have been found. And now your father has stopped thinking about them and is worried about you. He is asking, “What shall I do about my son?”’

    3 “Then you will go on from there until you reach the great tree of Tabor. Three men going up to worship God at Bethel will meet you there. One will be carrying three young goats, another three loaves of bread, and another a skin of wine.

    4 They will greet you and offer you two loaves of bread, which you will accept from them.

    5 “After that you will go to Gibeah of God, where there is a Philistine outpost. As you approach the town, you will meet a procession of prophets coming down from the high place with lyres, timbrels, pipes and harps being played before them, and they will be prophesying.

    6 The Spirit of the LORD will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.

    7 Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you.

    8 “Go down ahead of me to Gilgal. I will surely come down to you to sacrifice burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, but you must wait seven days until I come to you and tell you what you are to do.”

    Either God told Samuel all these things or he gave Samuel the power of prophesy. Either way, it means that god knows what is about to happen and can steer events whichever way he wants.  So why does he allow all the death and torment?

    Saul Made King

    9 As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul’s heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day.

    Interfering old dickhead.  Can’t leave well enough alone.

    10 When he and his servant arrived at Gibeah, a procession of prophets met him; the Spirit of God came powerfully upon him, and he joined in their prophesying.

    Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
    When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
    He shook me up, he took me by surprise
    He had a pickup truck and the devil’s eyes.
    He stared at me and I felt a change
    Time meant nothing, never would again
    Let’s do the Time Warp again!

    11 When all those who had formerly known him saw him prophesying with the prophets, they asked each other, “What is this that has happened to the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets?”

    What is meant by ‘prophesying with the prophets’? Do they all sit around in a circle and tell the future?

    12 A man who lived there answered, “And who is their father?” So it became a saying: “Is Saul also among the prophets?”

    13 After Saul stopped prophesying, he went to the high place.

    14 Now Saul’s uncle asked him and his servant, “Where have you been?”

    “Looking for the donkeys,” he said. “But when we saw they were not to be found, we went to Samuel.”

    15 Saul’s uncle said, “Tell me what Samuel said to you.”

    Were there no other Samuels around so that his uncle immediately knew who Saul was talking about? Especially as Saul had never met Samuel previously!

    16 Saul replied, “He assured us that the donkeys had been found.” But he did not tell his uncle what Samuel had said about the kingship.

    Samuel never mentioned Kings or Kingships.  He just said ruler.  That could amount to Head Priest.

    17 Samuel summoned the people of Israel to the LORD at Mizpah

    18 and said to them, “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘I brought Israel up out of Egypt, and I delivered you from the power of Egypt and all the kingdoms that oppressed you.’

    19 But you have now rejected your God, who saves you out of all your disasters and calamities. And you have said, ‘No, appoint a king over us.’ So now present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes and clans.”

    20 When Samuel had all Israel come forward by tribes, the tribe of Benjamin was taken by lot.

    How can it be by lot when Samuel already knew who was going to be chosen?  Rigged!

    21 Then he brought forward the tribe of Benjamin, clan by clan, and Matri’s clan was taken. Finally Saul son of Kish was taken. But when they looked for him, he was not to be found.

    22 So they inquired further of the LORD, “Has the man come here yet?”

    And the LORD said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the supplies.”

    23 They ran and brought him out, and as he stood among the people he was a head taller than any of the others.

    24 Samuel said to all the people, “Do you see the man the LORD has chosen? There is no one like him among all the people.”

    Then the people shouted, “Long live the king!”

    25 Samuel explained to the people the rights and duties of kingship. He wrote them down on a scroll and deposited it before the LORD. Then Samuel dismissed the people to go to their own homes.

    26 Saul also went to his home in Gibeah, accompanied by valiant men whose hearts God had touched.

    Quite a lot of his people are touched in the head methinks.

    27 But some scoundrels said, “How can this fellow save us?” They despised him and brought him no gifts. But Saul kept silent.

    There always has to be the party poopers in every crowd.  :)

    << 1-Samuel 9       Index      1-Samuel 11 >>

     

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