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  • DistroMan 20:00 on December 16, 2010 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , injustice, , , , , , theft,   

    Deuteronomy 23: Do you want nuts with your ice cream? 

    Deuteronomy: Part 23 of 34
    Exclusion From the Assembly

    1 No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD.

    You never give reasons for these ridiculous laws.  Why would you ban these men?

    2 No one born of a forbidden marriage nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, not even in the tenth generation.

    Penalising the innocent.

    3 No Ammonite or Moabite or any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, not even in the tenth generation.

    Why? Did they kill the wrong goat or something?

    4 For they did not come to meet you with bread and water on your way when you came out of Egypt, and they hired Balaam son of Beor from Pethor in Aram Naharaim to pronounce a curse on you.

    I don’t blame them.  You are a bunch of bastards I wouldn’t give bread to you either.

    5 However, the LORD your God would not listen to Balaam but turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the LORD your God loves you.

    Because he plays favourites.

    6 Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them as long as you live.

    Yeah, why have peace when you can continue to slaughter them?

    7 Do not despise an Edomite, for the Edomites are related to you. Do not despise an Egyptian, because you resided as foreigners in their country.

    8 The third generation of children born to them may enter the assembly of the LORD.

    Why penalise the second generation? They didn’t do anything wrong.

    Uncleanness in the Camp

    9 When you are encamped against your enemies, keep away from everything impure.

    10 If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there.

    Nocturnal means ‘at night’, soooo…

    11 But as evening approaches he is to wash himself, and at sunset he may return to the camp.

    Evening approaching tells us it is daylight, soooo…  How can it be a nocturnal emission? Freaks.

    12 Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself.

    Circle jerk in the desert!

    13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement.

    Excrement is it?  I would have thought that the fluid that gives life would be thought of as holy if anything.

    14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.

    Why would he have a problem with it?  He created it.

    Miscellaneous Laws

    15 If a slave has taken refuge with you, do not hand them over to their master.

    Even if their master is an Israelite?

    16 Let them live among you wherever they like and in whatever town they choose. Do not oppress them.

    17 No Israelite man or woman is to become a shrine prostitute.

    Way to go! Limit their prospects of a job.  :)

    18 You must not bring the earnings of a female prostitute or of a male prostitute into the house of the LORD your God to pay any vow, because the LORD your God detests them both.

    19 Do not charge a fellow Israelite interest, whether on money or food or anything else that may earn interest.

    20 You may charge a foreigner interest, but not a fellow Israelite, so that the LORD your God may bless you in everything you put your hand to in the land you are entering to possess

    Well that just isn’t fair.  Try treating everyone the same and you might get somewhere.

    21 If you make a vow to the LORD your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the LORD your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin.

    Easy fixed, don’t make vows to God.

    22 But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty.

    See!  :)

    23 Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth.

    24 If you enter your neighbor’s vineyard, you may eat all the grapes you want, but do not put any in your basket.

    That not right.  You shouldn’t just be able to enter someone’s property and start eating their crops.  You have a weird sense of what is right and what is wrong.

    25 If you enter your neighbor’s grainfield, you may pick kernels with your hands, but you must not put a sickle to their standing grain.

    Try this rubbish today and see what happens to you.

    << Deuteronomy 22      Index      Deuteronomy 24 >>

     
  • DistroMan 20:00 on October 12, 2010 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , theft   

    Leviticus 23: Laws and Rituals of the Covenant 

    Leviticus: Part 23 of 27

    1 The LORD said to Moses,

    Go talk to Bob for a while.

    2 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘These are my appointed feasts, the appointed feasts of the LORD, which you are to proclaim as sacred assemblies.

    If you make a certain amount of feasts ‘law’, then you can assure yourselves of a continuous supply of food I suppose.

    The Sabbath

    3 ” ‘There are six days when you may work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, a day of sacred assembly. You are not to do any work; wherever you live, it is a Sabbath to the LORD.

    That always amused me.  He works for six days and then rested.  He’s all powerful for Dog’s sake.  He doesn’t need to rest.  So this sabbath crap is just that, crap.

    The Passover and Unleavened Bread

    4 ” ‘These are the LORD’s appointed feasts, the sacred assemblies you are to proclaim at their appointed times:

    5 The LORD’s Passover begins at twilight on the fourteenth day of the first month.

    6 On the fifteenth day of that month the LORD’s Feast of Unleavened Bread begins; for seven days you must eat bread made without yeast.

    7 On the first day hold a sacred assembly and do no regular work.

    8 For seven days present an offering made to the LORD by fire. And on the seventh day hold a sacred assembly and do no regular work.’ “

    And yet priests and ministers the world over break this rule as do the people.  I’d have expected mass smiting, but nothing.  You are such an impotent god.

    Firstfruits

    9 The LORD said to Moses,

    Are you sure it wasn’t Bob?

    10 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘When you enter the land I am going to give you and you reap its harvest, bring to the priest a sheaf of the first grain you harvest.

    Take, take, take.  Where is the give from these priests?

    11 He is to wave the sheaf before the LORD so it will be accepted on your behalf; the priest is to wave it on the day after the Sabbath.

    12 On the day you wave the sheaf, you must sacrifice as a burnt offering to the LORD a lamb a year old without defect,

    Kill.

    13 together with its grain offering of two-tenths of an ephah of fine flour mixed with oil—an offering made to the LORD by fire, a pleasing aroma—and its drink offering of a quarter of a hin of wine.

    Can you imagine how much meat, grain and wine this would add up to when you think of how many Israelites were hanging around in the desert at that time?

    14 You must not eat any bread, or roasted or new grain, until the very day you bring this offering to your God. This is to be a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live.

    This is to force them to bring it quickly so the priest get fresh groceries.  :)

    Feast of Weeks

    15 ” ‘From the day after the Sabbath, the day you brought the sheaf of the wave offering, count off seven full weeks.

    16 Count off fifty days up to the day after the seventh Sabbath, and then present an offering of new grain to the LORD.

    Is this the same ‘new grain’ as the last time, or do they have to grow ‘new grain’ for this one?  In just fifty days?  Can’t be.  You can tell I’m not a farmer.  :)

    17 From wherever you live, bring two loaves made of two-tenths of an ephah of fine flour, baked with yeast, as a wave offering of firstfruits to the LORD.

    There is no way the priests could eat all that amount of bread.  What a freaking waste.

    18 Present with this bread seven male lambs, each a year old and without defect, one young bull and two rams. They will be a burnt offering to the LORD, together with their grain offerings and drink offerings—an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the LORD.

    Kill.  Is this something each person is to do, or is it one offering for the whole community?

    19 Then sacrifice one male goat for a sin offering and two lambs, each a year old, for a fellowship offering.

    Kill.

    20 The priest is to wave the two lambs before the LORD as a wave offering, together with the bread of the firstfruits. They are a sacred offering to the LORD for the priest.

    Here God, come get it boy!  Here it is.  Quick.

    21 On that same day you are to proclaim a sacred assembly and do no regular work. This is to be a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live.

    Another public holiday.

    22 ” ‘When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.’ “

    Harvest the lot and give that small part away to the poor.  That would be a better offering than giving a large amount to the lazy arsed priests.  Make them go harvest their own.

    Feast of Trumpets

    23 The LORD said to Moses,

    No, I’m really thinking it was Bob.  I’m pretty sure.

    24 “Say to the Israelites: ‘On the first day of the seventh month you are to have a day of rest, a sacred assembly commemorated with trumpet blasts.

    If you aren’t supposed to work, then who is blasting away on the trumpets?

    25 Do no regular work, but present an offering made to the LORD by fire.’ “

    Then the priests are working.  Smite the bastards.

    Day of Atonement

    26 The LORD said to Moses,

    You’re not listening to me are you!  BOB is his name.  B O B.

    27 “The tenth day of this seventh month is the Day of Atonement. Hold a sacred assembly and deny yourselves, and present an offering made to the LORD by fire.

    28 Do no work on that day, because it is the Day of Atonement, when atonement is made for you before the LORD your God.

    Geez, you lot have a heap of public holidays.

    29 Anyone who does not deny himself on that day must be cut off from his people.

    Rule by fear.

    30 I will destroy from among his people anyone who does any work on that day.

    Even the priests?

    31 You shall do no work at all. This is to be a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live.

    And yet most of them still work whenever they want and you’ve done nothing about it.  Pussy.

    32 It is a sabbath of rest for you, and you must deny yourselves. From the evening of the ninth day of the month until the following evening you are to observe your sabbath.”

    So no working, but what about sex and food?  Yes, I do mean in that order.  Sorry darling, not on a full stomach!  :)

    Feast of Tabernacles

    33 The LORD said to Moses,

    It WAS Bob!

    34 “Say to the Israelites: ‘On the fifteenth day of the seventh month the LORD’s Feast of Tabernacles begins, and it lasts for seven days.

    35 The first day is a sacred assembly; do no regular work.

    Wooohooooo!  Bludge!

    36 For seven days present offerings made to the LORD by fire, and on the eighth day hold a sacred assembly and present an offering made to the LORD by fire. It is the closing assembly; do no regular work.

    Not much work getting done at all around this camp.  Can we do the washing on the ninth day and get the stench of burning flesh out of everything?  You are making the place stink fella.

    37 (” ‘These are the LORD’s appointed feasts, which you are to proclaim as sacred assemblies for bringing offerings made to the LORD by fire—the burnt offerings and grain offerings, sacrifices and drink offerings required for each day.

    The Lord is a pisspot!

    38 These offerings are in addition to those for the LORD’s Sabbaths and in addition to your gifts and whatever you have vowed and all the freewill offerings you give to the LORD.)

    Yeah, give till it hurts and your children die of starvation.  You can’t work enough to have all the food needed, but you have to give, give and keep giving.  Good one God.  You have this racket all worked out.

    39 ” ‘So beginning with the fifteenth day of the seventh month, after you have gathered the crops of the land, celebrate the festival to the LORD for seven days; the first day is a day of rest, and the eighth day also is a day of rest.

    The eighth is for getting over your hangover.

    40 On the first day you are to take choice fruit from the trees, and palm fronds, leafy branches and poplars, and rejoice before the LORD your God for seven days.

    Can we dance naked and get all squishy with the fruit?

    41 Celebrate this as a festival to the LORD for seven days each year. This is to be a lasting ordinance for the generations to come; celebrate it in the seventh month.

    42 Live in booths for seven days: All native-born Israelites are to live in booths

    I wonder what a booth is supposed to be.

    43 so your descendants will know that I had the Israelites live in booths when I brought them out of Egypt. I am the LORD your God.’ “

    Yay God, you are so great and wonderful for you made our ancestors live in booths.  Were they the ones with cameras? Nah, too early. Did they have an artist sit in there with them to paint the pictures?

    44 So Moses announced to the Israelites the appointed feasts of the LORD.

    I still think it was Bob.  Bob’s a nice guy.  :)

    << Leviticus 22      Index      Leviticus 24 >>

     
  • DistroMan 20:00 on July 21, 2010 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , theft   

    Genesis 31: Did anyone hear what God said? 

    Genesis: Part 31 of 50

    Jacob Flees From Laban

    1 Jacob heard that Laban’s sons were saying, “Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father.”

    It’s about time someone woke up to what was happening.

    2 And Jacob noticed that Laban’s attitude toward him was not what it had been.

    What did he expect, he was cheating them.

    3 Then the LORD said to Jacob, “Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you.”

    So sayeth the Godfather!!!  :)

    4 So Jacob sent word to Rachel and Leah to come out to the fields where his flocks were.

    5 He said to them, “I see that your father’s attitude toward me is not what it was before, but the God of my father has been with me.

    6 You know that I’ve worked for your father with all my strength,

    7 yet your father has cheated me by changing my wages ten times. However, God has not allowed him to harm me.

    8 If he said, ‘The speckled ones will be your wages,’ then all the flocks gave birth to speckled young; and if he said, ‘The streaked ones will be your wages,’ then all the flocks bore streaked young.

    9 So God has taken away your father’s livestock and has given them to me.

    No, Jacob caused that with his peeled branches.

    10 “In breeding season I once had a dream in which I looked up and saw that the male goats mating with the flock were streaked, speckled or spotted.

    11 The angel of God said to me in the dream, ‘Jacob.’ I answered, ‘Here I am.’

    12 And he said, ‘Look up and see that all the male goats mating with the flock are streaked, speckled or spotted, for I have seen all that Laban has been doing to you.

    13 I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and where you made a vow to me. Now leave this land at once and go back to your native land.’ “

    Ah, but this isn’t God speaking.  This is Jacob saying that God told him these things.  There is no proof that this is true.

    14 Then Rachel and Leah replied, “Do we still have any share in the inheritance of our father’s estate?

    Even Jacob’s wives (daughters of Laban) are only out for themselves.  Greed abounds!!!

    15 Does he not regard us as foreigners? Not only has he sold us, but he has used up what was paid for us.

    16 Surely all the wealth that God took away from our father belongs to us and our children. So do whatever God has told you.”

    Slightly mercenary.  Blood matters little to these women.  Not even the decency to ask their own father for his side of the story.

    17 Then Jacob put his children and his wives on camels,

    18 and he drove all his livestock ahead of him, along with all the goods he had accumulated in Paddan Aram, to go to his father Isaac in the land of Canaan.

    19 When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father’s household gods.

    More theft.

    20 Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away.

    As any criminal would do if he didn’t want to face justice.

    21 So he fled with all he had, and crossing the River, he headed for the hill country of Gilead.

    Laban Pursues Jacob

    22 On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled.

    23 Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead.

    24 Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.”

    25 Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too.

    26 Then Laban said to Jacob, “What have you done? You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war.

    27 Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps?

    28 You didn’t even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters good-by. You have done a foolish thing.

    29 I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.’

    He doesn’t consider this to be something he shouldn’t say?

    30 Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father’s house. But why did you steal my gods?”

    Gods?  I think there may be a typo here, but it is a straight copy/paste so I’ll leave it for the moment.

    31 Jacob answered Laban, “I was afraid, because I thought you would take your daughters away from me by force.

    32 But if you find anyone who has your gods, he shall not live. In the presence of our relatives, see for yourself whether there is anything of yours here with me; and if so, take it.” Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods.

    Well, seemingly it is gods.

    33 So Laban went into Jacob’s tent and into Leah’s tent and into the tent of the two maidservants, but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah’s tent, he entered Rachel’s tent.

    34 Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel’s saddle and was sitting on them. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing.

    35 Rachel said to her father, “Don’t be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I’m having my period.” So he searched but could not find the household gods.

    36 Jacob was angry and took Laban to task. “What is my crime?” he asked Laban. “What sin have I committed that you hunt me down?

    37 Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.

    Cool, a showdown.

    38 “I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks.

    39 I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night.

    40 This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes.

    Will he admit the magic he used to make the goats have striped offspring?

    41 It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times.

    42 If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you.”

    43 Laban answered Jacob, “The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne?

    After Jacob working for 21 years, Laban thinks it still all belongs to him?  Unbelievable.  This is why we have Unions these days.

    44 Come now, let’s make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us.”

    45 So Jacob took a stone and set it up as a pillar.

    46 He said to his relatives, “Gather some stones.” So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap.

    47 Laban called it Jegar Sahadutha, and Jacob called it Galeed.

    I call it ridiculous.

    48 Laban said, “This heap is a witness between you and me today.” That is why it was called Galeed.

    So when they have a dispute, which one will call the pile of rocks to give evidence?  :)

    49 It was also called Mizpah, because he said, “May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.

    You’d think God would have better things to do than be an umpire between these fools.

    50 If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me.”

    No, God is the Umpire, the rocks are the witness.  Get your stories straight.

    51 Laban also said to Jacob, “Here is this heap, and here is this pillar I have set up between you and me.

    52 This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me.

    53 May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us.”  So Jacob took an oath in the name of the Fear of his father Isaac.

    54 He offered a sacrifice there in the hill country and invited his relatives to a meal. After they had eaten, they spent the night there.

    Hey, look everyone, see how good I am?  I’m going to honour my word.  You can tell because I killed this innocent goat.

    55 Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home.

    Well, it seems his daughters and grandchildren weren’t what he was really worried about or he would have at least made an argument for taking them with him.  He was just pissed that Jacob had left and he couldn’t take advantage of him anymore.

    << Genesis 30      Index      Genesis 32 >>

     
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